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CIA Cancels Second Covert Assassination Program

Just days after the United States and the rest of the world was left to grapple with the realization that the Bush administration actually sought to protect the country’s national security above and beyond the collective imagination by secretly having the CIA spend nearly eight years planning to possibly capture and/or assassinate al Qaeda leaders, another Langley, Virginia-based bombshell fell squarely on Capitol Hill today, sending the still-reeling public in to the same state of shock and awe usually reserved for the nation’s enemies.

In an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

“It seems clear to me, after reading the reports and examining the progress made to date, that it would be irresponsible for the Agency to continue spending millions of taxpayer dollars every year planning an action that it is increasingly obvious will be performed by God before we ever come up with a viable plan,” Panetta told the tearful committee members.

The announcement came as a shock to lawmakers, many of whom expressed outrage at the fact that they had not been briefed by any of the intelligence services who they claim had a moral, if not legal, obligation to inform them that Castro was still alive.

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault,” according to House minority leader John Boehner, “I think it’s safe to assume that having such a liberal ascend to the position of House Speaker has given Fidel a reason to hang on.”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went even farther, telling sobbing Fox News host Glenn Beck, “I think this sends the wrong message. Now is not the time for the United States to be perceived as soft on communism. I’ll bet Khrushchev is sitting in the Kremlin right now laughing his butt off at us.”

Representative Spencer Bachus (R-AL), who has already compiled a secret list of 17 socialists currently serving in the House of Representatives, called for the formation of a new ‘Un-American Activities Committee’ to investigate the infiltration of socialists into the CIA and other agencies, adding that at an early stage in his own private investigation, he already has compiled a secret list of 24 names in the CIA alone.

Reaction to Levi Johnston’s ‘Today’ Show Appearance

PERSONALS:

Male satirist, mid-40s, behind in rent, enjoys old movies, sports, and free publicity, seeks post-statutory daughter of prominent and/or polarizing politician willing to commit to relationship through next national election.  Contact: TheDesperateBlogger.com

Limbaugh Sees Dem ‘Plot’ in Heinous Crime

While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.

“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”

According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.

Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”.  The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan.  He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”

Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections.  But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.

As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey.  “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”

Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Bernie Behaving Badly?

Corrections Officials in Quandary

Federal Department of Corrections officials were left scratching their heads this morning trying to formulate a response to perhaps the most unexpected twist yet in the Bernard Madoff case.

“Was he threatening to commit more crimes, or was he merely expressing a form of appreciation in the only way he knows how? That’s what we need to figure out,” according to Corrections Department spokesperson M. Eileen O’Sullivan.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Bernie was just being Bernie. When he likes someone, he offers them help in the only way he knows how,” explained Madoff defense attorney Ira Lee Sorkin, “After this long process, he was merely acknowledging the hard work and dedication of the judge and the Justice Department as a whole.”

It all began shortly after Judge Denny Chin sentenced the poster-boy for Wall Street misanthropy to 150 years in prison. Madoff, who presumably will be 221 years old after serving his sentence and any possible parole because God has refused repeated requests to take him, asked to address the Court one final time. After permission was granted, a smiling, friendly sounding Madoff expressed his appreciation for the “fine work” done by Judge Chin and the prosecution, as well as his “profound appreciation for the years of dedicated service that have brought us all here together at this time.”

“Nobody appreciates the hard work and dedication of others more than I do,” the future license plate machinist continued, “and I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!”

Mr. Madoff was then escorted back across the street to the Metropolitan Correctional Center where officials say he will undergo further evaluation before being served green Jell-O “with fruit or something” in it.

“Personally, I don’t believe there was any intended or even implied threat in his statement,” former FBI profiler and Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey told The Desperate Blogger. “Rather it appears that due to the long term effects of the stress inherent in his personal situation, and perhaps related fatigue, his brain just kicked into auto-pilot. He simply said what is to him to be the most comfortable, natural, and familiar things he has always told people he barely knows. That being said, however, I would strongly advise any future cellmates or other prisoners incarcerated with Mr. Madoff to keep their cigarettes in their mattresses.”

In other news…

Health insurance industry executives today expressed concern over any “public option” as part of national healthcare reform, citing fears that the bureaucrats who currently come between doctors and patients will all apply to work for the government plan in order to receive better benefits.

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

PETA Launches Fly Adoption Program

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the often-controversial animal rights group, today announced the launch of “Operation Sol,” its latest worldwide effort to promote fly adoption as well as public education and awareness of ongoing threats to flies everywhere.

Still riding the wave of popularity brought about by the organization’s uncharacteristically muted reaction to President Obama’s savage killing of an innocent White House fly, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk today expressed confidence that this initiative — named for Sol Madison, the beloved late pet fly of New York Herald sportswriter Oscar Madison — “… will lead to greater understanding of, and tolerance for, annoying little shit-eaters of many species.”

Due to the vast number of homeless and endangered flies, as well as their staggering rate of reproduction, Ms. Newkirk cited ‘Op-Sol’s’ urgent need for a consistent food supply. Donations of fly food can be mailed (or shipped) to the address found by clicking the “Donate Now” link at peta.org (It is requested that ‘flymeal’ of human origin be limited to vegetarian sources only.) Contributors are also urged to give donations directly to PETA members in their community, who, as Ms. Newkirk noted, are generally easy to find.

Editor’s Note: The Desperate Blogger urges its reader(s) to support Operation Sol. Whenever you see someone throwing red paint on unsuspecting passers-by wearing fur or leather, please give them as much shit as you possibly can.

Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

TODAY’S TOP STORY: Water in Venice Streets

There was water in the streets of Venice, Italy.

In what one meteorological historian described as “the biggest climactic surprise since The Great Sahara Crop Failure,” a combination of heavy rains, high winds, and an unusually high tide put much of Venice under water yesterday. As has been historically the case when the “Queen of the Adriatic” floods, the primary culprit was the unusually high tide, which sent news services from Al Jazeera to the BBC to The New York Times scrambling to get photographers in place before the flood waters receded, having already committed to making this their lead story on an otherwise slow news day.

“Of course this has to be a lead story,” Fox News Senior Editor Tony Vita said with disdain. “Pictures are the key, and nothing makes better footage than floodwater. A good crew can make a couple of inches of water look like ‘Noah’s Ark time’. Besides, who in the world would ever have imagined something like this could happen in Venice of all places?”

“It was bedlam,” observed AP photographer Karl Toomey, who like dozens of others on his charter flight from Mumbai arrived barely in time to snap photos of tourists wading through knee-high receding waters, “but they tell me this is the biggest thing happening today.”

As gondoliers scrambled to adjust their rate signs, Toomey and others, who had been covering the skirmish in and around the Taj Mahal Hotel that has now been relegated to a position somewhere between the crossword puzzle and the ‘homes for sale’ classified ads in most newspapers, descended on St. Mark’s Square, which on a normal day would have been filled with tourists enjoying the shopping and outdoor cafes.

“This one is front page material!” Toomey declared, triumphantly displaying his photo of a lone dollop of latte cream that, while bobbing aimlessly in the water near an empty sidewalk café, narrowly avoided a disastrous collision with an empty Gucci slipper from last year’s collection. “This is what they send us here for!”

FEMA Monitoring Situation, Pledges Aid

The U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency is “watching the developments in Venice very closely,” FEMA spokesperson Erika Lozano told Washington reporters. “The Secretary is deeply concerned not only for the safety of American citizens who may be stranded, but for all those affected by this unpredictable catastrophe.” Ms. Lozano added that the agency has already set in motion plans to send 46 trailers no longer needed by victims of Hurricane Katrina to help house victims displaced by the flooding. “Providing safe shelter for those who find themselves homeless is our first priority,” she said, adding “and thanks to Hurricane Ike, we know these puppies can float.” The trailers are expected to arrive in Italy sometime in early June.

In other news:
- Brittney Spears, Driven By Son, Appears on ‘Good Morning America’
- Tensions Flare Between Nuclear Powers India and Pakistan
- Obama Unveils National Security Team
- Thai Court Dissolves Ruling Party
- Top Indian Security Officials Resign Over Failure to Prevent Terrorist Attack
- Locusts Continue to Swarm Over World Economy

NFL ANNOUNCES NEW WEAPONS POLICY

Plan Will Curtail Players Access to WMDs, Cockfighting in Stadiums

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced a major shift in league policy aimed at “limiting violence involving NFL players to the field of play and eliminating weapons from the field and locker rooms entirely.”

In the aftermath of the incident involving New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who almost shot off his own jewels with the illegal handgun he was carrying to “protect his jewelry” and the reinstatement of Dallas Cowboys defensive back Adam ‘Don’t Call Me Pacman Or I’ll F@!# You Up’ Jones from his suspension for attacking the security guard hired to ensure he stayed out of trouble, Goodell determined it was time for the League “to assume tighter control of players and their arsenals.”

The plan includes several controversial measures, most of which insiders expect will be challenged by the NFL Players’ Association. Among the key measures proposed are:

- Anyone entering an NFL locker room at any time will be subjected to ‘airport style security’ such as metal detectors, baggage x-ray, random searches, etc. “It’ll be better security than the airports,” according to an anonymous league source, “because we’re willing to pay better.”

- Just as at an airport, absolutely no weapons will be permitted to pass through the security checkpoint. Players will also only be permitted to bring liquids in 3 ounce or smaller containers into the stadium or locker room. “Our lawyers advised us to do that for everyone,” said the league source. “Originally the liquids part was just going to be for the guys with Muslim-sounding names, but it was determined that would appear like we were profiling.”

- All pit bulls and fighting cocks owned, leased, or trained by players must be kept in appropriate crates or kennels while anywhere on the premises, without exception.

- The League will provide anger management counseling to any player, coach, or victim of a player or coach who requests it.

- The League will produce and distribute to all players an instructional video on firearms safety, emphasizing proper storage and how to tell whether the ‘safety’ is on or off.

- Marijuana will be removed from the League’s ‘banned substances’ list. “I want to make it clear that the League is in no way advocating or condoning marijuana use,” said one league official. “Players will still be accountable for their actions under applicable local, state and federal laws. All this means is that we will no longer test for it or suspend players for using it.”

When asked to explain the shift in the League’s substance policy, the official told reporters, “Look, we expect a battle with the players union over this plan. We had to give them something. And even if you’re not a football fan, even if you turn off the news before the sports report, you’d have to be an idiot not to realize that a lot of these guys really just need to mellow out.”

The Commissioner says he hopes the plan can be implemented as soon as possible, but citing expected lawsuits and injunctions said, “I expect to have it in place during the Obama Administration, but that would assume he gets re-elected.”

In a related story, the Cincinnati Bengals announced today that, for logistical reasons, they will hold their off-season mini-camps at the Hamilton County Jail. “It just made sense,” according to team owner Mike Brown, “We have a bunch of guys already spending the off-season there anyway.”

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Obama Girls to Adopt Bill Clinton

In one of the more bizarre twists in recent political memory, Bill Clinton will be returning to The White House – not as ‘First Husband’ but as ‘First Pet’. At the same time, we have the answer to the most-asked question of the transition period: “What kind of dog will the Obama girls choose?”

And in a bit of historical irony, when hearing of Malia and Sasha Obama’s choice, both the President-Elect and Neo-Conservative icon Bill Kristol uttered identical sentiments, likely the only time this will ever occur, with independent responses of: “One thing’s for sure. If he’s gonna stay, he’s getting fixed.”

This is how events unfolded, as compiled by various news sources:

• Malia and Sasha Obama, at some unknown point, overheard part of a conversation where someone referred to former President Clinton as “… the most incredible hound to ever live in Washington…”

• After looking at videos of the former President, the girls agreed that his combination of white hair and dark circles under his eyes were “pretty cute for a big old hound” and Malia reportedly realized, when comparing their ages to his, that they would most likely be “all grown-up and moved-out” before they would “ever need to worry about scooping the poop”.

• The girls then called their father on his cell-phone, coincidentally this past Monday morning, as he was preparing for the news conference in which he introduced his National Security team. In attendance of course was Secretary of State Nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton who overheard enough, seized the moment, and jumped-in on the conversation.

“The poor guy didn’t have a prayer,” noted a member of the transition team, “When you have those adorable little girls in your right ear, and the former First Lady and future Secretary of State in your left, and they’re all going ‘please please please,’ what could any father do?”

“I’m delighted the girls chose him,” an effervescent Senator Clinton told reporters. “Bill loves kids and he loves the White House and the lawns… He’ll eat scraps from the great kitchen they have there, he’ll sleep on the floor at the foot of the President’s bed – for him it’s just like I had won.”

The former President seemed to be taking the unfolding developments in stride, joking with reporters and aides about “living in the dog house most of my married life” and “the vetting process” being “a major concern.”

The only person who seemed unhappy to have President Clinton returning to the White House in his obviously diminished new role was Robyn Coghlan, Chief of Protocol at the State Department. “This is a f*****g nightmare!” the nation’s Etiquette Czar told White House staff members. “It was enough of a problem that the former President was going to be the husband of the Secretary of State. Try and do a state dinner seating chart for that one. But now he’s going to be the President’s dog? Tradition calls for the Presidential pet to have no seat. Traditionally they have free reign of the floor under the table. But we can’t exactly have President Clinton roaming the floor under the table at formal functions and sniffing around – well, you know… It’s a f*****g nightmare!”

In other news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has been under fire for his remarks about being able to “smell the tourists” in the heat and humidity of the Washington summers, is shelving his $20 million proposal to install a delousing station in the newly-opened Capitol Visitors Center.

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PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES $150 BILLION G.O.P. RESCUE PLAN

Predicting that what will perhaps be his final major act as President will also be his “lasting legacy”, President George W. Bush today announced a sweeping $150 billion bailout package aimed at rescuing a struggling Republican Party that has been characterized even by long-time loyalists as “teetering on the edge of bankruptcy in every possible sense of the word”.

“The G.O.P. is facing imminent collapse,” the President told the dozen or so reporters who still find him relevant, “and my leaving office isn’t nearly enough to save it.” He went on to add, “If our cherished two-party system is doomed to history, then it is essential that the forces for deregulation and marriage being between one man and one woman be able to buy whatever government officials they need.”

The measure, which Congressional leaders have characterized as “bold,” “revolutionary,” and “like Christmas come early,” is expected to pass by acclamation as soon as it is brought up for a vote. The Washington headquarters of the Republican National Committee has had it phone lines jammed ever since the President’s announcement with calls from Democrats and Independents requesting information on switching parties.

“There’s an old saying in the oil industry,” the President continued, “If you can’t beat ‘em, buy ‘em. And if you can’t buy ‘em, send the troops in and annex them with ‘shock and awe’. If this initiative fails, I shudder to think of the dire consequences our nation might face. We cannot fail. We must be firm in our resolve. And we must spread money around like it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on because, in reality, it’s not.”

The plan, which focuses on both short and long term recruitment, divides the $150 billion equally between three distinct initiatives described as “federal, state and local, and ‘hearts and minds’.” “I cannot stress enough that this is not just a band-aid, but a long-term solution,” the President emphasized. “Throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at elected officials, judges and the like my be fine for now, but winning the hearts and minds of our young people is essential. And we have seen, through the ‘Faith Based and Community Initiatives Program’ within the Department of Homeland Security, it doesn’t take a lot to win over the hearts and minds of our young people. Thanks to the cuts in education funding enacted during this administration, you can mold most kids like Play-Doh.”

Democratic lawmakers, who under the plan would “be paid on a sliding scale, based on seniority and committee chairmanships,” as well as other factors, to switch their affiliations and loyalties to the G.O.P., have overwhelmingly shown their willingness to support the President’s plan – “in the name of unity” according to one senior official. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has reportedly already placed her San Francisco home on the market and is shopping for ‘a substantial property in Orange County’. She has reportedly also prepared papers to file in court that would legally change her surname to Reagan. Representative Barney Frank has reportedly begun describing himself as “a Log-Cabin Republican in a Democrat’s body”.

The only lawmakers not supporting the plan are Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio, who said, “It sounds like another ‘trickle-down’ scheme to me, and I can’t support anything based on the ‘trickle-down theory’,” and Representative Charles Rangel of New York, who told his remaining supporter, “I’ve already got enough tax and ethics issues as it is.”

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NY Governor Paterson to Appoint David Blaine to Fill Clinton Seat

Presumptive Senator Vows to Remain Seated for Entire Balance of Term

[Editor's Note: The Governor's Office released a prepared statement to reporters outside the State House in Albany outlining his choice of successor to the Senate seat being vacated by Hillary Rodham Clinton. The statement became exclusive to The Desperate Blogger when, as is typical with press kits that are distributed to the media working outdoors in Albany between November and March, all other copies were burned to keep hands, feet, and ‘equipment' warm.]

New York Governor David Paterson ended weeks of speculation today when he announced that celebrity magician and endurance artist David Blaine will be his appointee to become the next Junior Senator from New York, if and when the U.S. Senate confirms Hillary Rodham Clinton’s nomination to the position of Secretary of State.

The Governor explained, “In these times of economic uncertainty, when our country is at war and also facing crises involving energy, global warming, a crumbling infrastructure, healthcare – you name it — we need a Senator who is not afraid to take on challenges most would describe as ‘impossible’. David Blaine not only has a record of accepting challenges others might call ‘crazy’, but he has a solid record of accomplishing what popular consensus said couldn’t be done. The people of New York deserve nothing less. Change is coming to the United States Senate.”

Until now, Mr. Blaine has been best known for his unique brand of “street magic” and feats such as being confined underground in a plastic coffin for seven days and encased in ice (in Times Square) for over 63 hours – all of which were featured in prime-time specials on ABC-TV.

The future Senator, who’s confinement to a steamer trunk submerged in New York City’s East River rendered him unavailable for questions at the time of the Governor’s announcement, nonetheless issued a brief statement through a spokesman in the form of Morse code conveyed through his emergency cable.

“I am as honored as I am stunned by the Governor’s decision,” Mr. Blaine tugged, “When his people inquired about my availability, I just assumed it had to do with a kid’s birthday party.” In a flurry of long and short pulls, he went on to say, “But I pledge to the people of the great state of New York that they will never have to worry about their Senator’s whereabouts or if he is present for an important vote. It is my intention; from the moment my butt hits that great and honorable seat, to remain seated for the entire duration of my term. I won’t get up from it until the next Senator is there to replace me. The people deserve, and should expect, nothing less from David Blaine.”

When asked if he thought Senator Blaine could stay seated in one place for at least two years without so much as a “rest room break,” his spokesman replied, “Piece of cake. Have you seen some of the relics voters keep sending back to Congress? If the commissary isn’t selling Depends, IVs, catheters – all of that stuff – then someone’s really missing the boat.” On the subject of whether his being submerged underwater in a trunk was in preparation for a future stunt, the response was a simple, “No, just relaxing.”

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BLAGOJEVICH TO FACE REDUCED CHARGES

No Evidence Jobs, Influence Actually ‘Sold’

In a stunning reversal, prosecutors have agreed to drop some of the most serious charges facing embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich – namely charges involving “violation of the public trust”.

“By their own admission, the FBI arrested our client prior to the completion of their investigation,’ a defense team member told reporters. “Had they not acted prematurely, they would have found that Governor Blagojevich never had any intention of following through on promises he made in his efforts to extort money from other greedy bastards such as himself. Had they followed procedure, certain charges would never have been brought.”

“Don’t get me wrong,’ the attorney continued, “We have no doubt that law enforcement personnel involved in this case acted with the best of intentions, particularly with regard to the public interest. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

“That is correct,” confirmed undercover Special Agent Meldrick Purvis, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Normal procedure dictates that your first priority, always, is to cover The Bureau’s ass. Then you protect the public. But once in a while we come across individuals who are so appalling in their nature that some agents ‘throw caution to the wind’ in their exuberance to separate these slugs from society. And maybe it is better to have some charges dropped than to allow unscrupulous predators to continue roaming the halls of government. All I can say is: thank God for that alert Ebay customer service rep who brought the Governor’s activities to our attention. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

It was, in fact, Ebay who first contacted authorities after several complaints from ‘winning’ bidders. “We had several ‘negative feedback reports’ regarding Ebay member ‘illguv2003′,” said a spokesman for the Internet auction giant. “Two involved ‘shilling’ which is the use of fraudulent bids to drive prices higher. The others involved accepting payment, but never delivering the goods – in these cases state jobs and government contracts. Ebay wants it made clear that these are considered serious violations of the Ebay Community Code of Conduct, and the account of member ‘illguv2003′ has been suspended pending review.” The spokesman then added, “Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

Calls to the Governor’s campaign organization were not returned. However, later in the day “Friends of Blagojevich” released a statement, which read:

“The Directors and Executives of ‘Friends of Blagojevich’ are obviously disheartened by the events and news reports of the last few days. If the allegations regarding the Governor’s actions prove correct, it would not only fly in the face of everything we, as well as all Americans, stand for, but also make a mockery of our re-election slogan, which we have always believed depicted our candidate in his true light: “Blagojevich – You Get What You Pay For”. While this would normally be a time when we would remind the public that, under our cherished system, Governor Blagojevich is entitled to the presumption of innocence until such time as he is proven guilty, we will decline further comment. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

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BREAKING NEWS: (Jesse, Jr.) Jackson ‘5’ Scandal ‘Rocks’ Illinois

Federal authorities today confirmed what ABC News first reported, that ‘Candidate 5’ referenced in the affidavit federal prosecutors used to support their indictment of soon-to-be-former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is in fact Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Of the six potential candidates mentioned in the affidavit, ‘Candidate 5’ is regarded as the “most deeply entangled” in Blagojevich’s scheme. It should be pointed out, however, when it comes to legal terminology, that means absolutely nothing.

‘Jackson 5,’ as he is now known in law enforcement circles, said he “met with Mr. Blagojevich to discuss the job for the first time earlier this week, after not having spoken to him for more than four years,” according to a report in The New York Times. The Congressman went on to say that, naturally, he never authorized anyone to offer anything in return for the appointment.

Correction: The previous sentence should read, “The Congressman, naturally, went on to say that he never authorized anyone to offer anything in return for the appointment.” [Ed.]

According to the 70+ page complaint filed in federal court, on Oct. 31, Mr. Blagojevich told an associate (in a wiretapped conversation,) that he had been approached by an emissary [identified only as ‘Tito’] from Candidate 5: “We were approached ‘pay to play.’ That you know, he’d raise me 500 grand. An emissary came. Then the other guy would raise a million, if I made him [Candidate 5] a senator.”

In an exclusive, The Desperate Blogger (through means that will remain undisclosed at least until the children are grown) was able to obtain a partial transcript of the referenced conversation between ‘Tito’ and the Governor:

‘Scumbag’:  “I expect to be taken care of.”

‘Tito’:  “It’s easy as 1-2-3.”

‘Scumbag’:  “I said I want ‘dough-ray-me’.”

‘Tito’:  “A-B-C, 1-2-3, baby, you and me Guv.”

‘Scumbag’:  “I know I can trust you, but what about the ‘brother’? What if he tries to f**k me?”

‘Tito’:   “Just look over you’re your shoulder… [Inaudible]… I’ll be there.”

Representative Jackson maintains that prosecutors have told him he is not a target of the criminal inquiry, but that he had been asked to answer questions about Mr. Blagojevich’s selection process. He also reiterated that, until this week, he had not spoken with Governor Blagojevich for more than four years, and doesn’t expect to speak with him for “at least 5 to 7” more.

Prosecutors in the case said that they would not comment while the investigation is ongoing.

A spokesman in Detroit said that “Motown Records was most interested to learn of these recordings,” and that their “attorneys will be looking into it.”

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BAILEY A SUICIDE AFTER FED REJECTS BAILOUT FOR BUILDING & LOAN

Paulson, Bernanke Deflect Criticism

The sudden, tragic end of a banking icon sent shudders through a shocked nation yesterday as the depth of the current mortgage crisis hit home, even to millions who have so far been unaffected.

George Bailey was, for over 60 years, the ‘kind face’ of the mortgage industry. His story inspired three generations following the success of the 1946 Frank Capra movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”, the bio-pic that told the story of Bailey’s early life and his struggle, against seemingly insurmountable odds, to save his beloved Building & Loan during a much more localized lending crisis in the small town where his father had founded the bank when Bailey was a small child.

Bailey in happier times, with wife Mary and daughter Zuzu.

After receiving the news that the Building & Loan would not be allocated any emergency funding from the $700 billion set aside by the Federal government, Mr. Bailey reportedly jumped off of a local bridge into the frigid river below. His lifeless body was discovered some time later, ironically by local sheriff Bert Steward, III whose grandfather, ‘Officer Bert’ Steward (portrayed by Ward Bond in the Capra film) once helped to rescue Bailey from a similar attempt.

“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”

Even before the news of Bailey’s death became known, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson came under heavy fire from all quarters when they announced that there would be no lifeline for the struggling Building & Loan.

“George Bailey was a hero to millions,” an emotional Paulson told reporters upon hearing of the suicide, “And for me, his loss is a particularly personal one. George was also my best imaginary childhood friend. While his presence will be missed, I am comforted by the fact that our friendship will always endure. Of course at a time like this our thoughts and prayers go out to his family and all those who were close to him – especially the ones who are about to lose their homes.”

“Of course I was shocked and saddened to learn the fate of George Bailey,” Bernanke said in a prepared statement, “But it is my duty, even under these most tragic of circumstances, to defend the actions of the Fed. First, I cannot state strongly enough, it was the desire not only of myself but also of everyone involved to find some way to save the Building & Loan. Anyone who has ever met George Bailey would want to help him. That’s not just my opinion, but a fact well documented on film. But the harsh reality of the situation was that the Building & Loan operated in a manner that is no longer viable in today’s culture. As much as I always admired Mr. Bailey, his business practices – by today’s standards – were at best irresponsible, and at worst, criminal. The bank’s records, or more to the point its lack of responsible accounting records is appalling. You just can’t go around making loans based on ‘a handshake’ or ‘the word’ of your friends and neighbors and expect Uncle Sam to bail you out. We’re not anybody’s neighbor and we’re not anybody’s friend — we’re the United States Government.”

Funeral arrangements have not been announced.

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BUSH BUYS VACATION HOME IN ‘GREEN ZONE’

Plans to Establish Iraqi Shoe-Shine & Repair Franchise

Citing “the most obvious sign from God about why he put me here since 9/11,” President Bush told a jubilant White House press corps that upon leaving office he intends to spend “a significant amount” of his post-presidency in Iraq.

“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” the unusually serene, almost trance-like leader of the free world continued, “but in those moments when I have stared into the abyss, His messages to me couldn’t have been clearer if He’d had Sinead O’Connor sing them directly into my ear. In this case, every time since the November elections that I’ve asked Dick Cheney for his opinion, he’s answered with, ‘Why don’t you just grab your shine-box and go to f****n’ Baghdad?’ Now, he has just sent a messenger in the form of that courageous young journalist who showed me close-up the Iraqi people’s desperate need for an affordable source of footwear maintenance. I now know my mission, and I intend to make it my life’s work to see that all of the good people of Iraq have access to affordable heel replacements, sole repairs, and of course a shine you can see yourself in. I ask you, what better way to enjoy Western-style freedom than to have really spiffy-looking shoes?”

When asked by a reporter how she feels about the prospect of bartering with Iraqi women over the price of gel insoles, First Lady Laura Bush responded, “Well, anybody who knows my husband the way I do knows just how deeply he cares about people, about freedom, and especially about cobbling. Of course he has my unconditional love and devotion, and my full support for whatever he chooses, at least until February.”

Muntadar al-Zeidi, the journalist whose protest has now had such unforeseen consequences, could not be reached for comment. According to officials in Baghdad, he boarded a plane to an unknown destination, presumably Cairo, shortly after the incident. A source close to the case noted that, “Of course, having no shoes, he flew right through airport security.”

Upon Mr. al-Zeidi’s return and/or extradition to Iraq, a parade is planned in the Sadr City area of Baghdad.

In other news, police in Wasilla, Alaska have charged a local teen with arson in connection with the Friday night blaze at the Wasilla Bible Church, best known as Governor Sarah Palin’s house of worship. The fire caused no injuries, but damage is estimated at nearly $1 million.  Central Mat-Su police reported that the fire was set in the church entrance as a result of mistaken identity. “The kid mistook the church for a private residence that allegedly houses a ‘crystal meth lab’ whose owners had cheated him,” according to a police spokesman, ” Stuff like that happens in Wasilla all the time… No biggie.”

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Cheney Earns $50 Million Al Qaeda Bonus

Jihadists Overwhelm Recruitment Centers After Televised Interview

Al Qaeda today announced that United States Vice President Dick Cheney has earned a $50 million bonus as the organization’s top recruiter for calendar year 2008. A spokesman, who described Cheney as “Our Prophet of Marketing” read a congratulatory greeting to the Vice President from none other than Osama bin Laden, which read:

“My dear, special Dick, it is with profound pleasure and gratitude that I present you with this year’s award as our top recruiter for jihad. With brothers as yourself causing young warriors to enlist in our blessed cause faster than even we can blow them up, I know we will one day prove victorious over all of the world’s infidel capitalist dogs. When we began this most holy crusade, pretty much all we had was balls. I am certain there is nothing that can stop us now that we also have such an incredible Dick…”

The spokesman, Baraq Hossein Ubama [no relation. Ed.], added that the Cheney-ABC News interview, in which the Vice President proudly acknowledged that torture (including ‘water-boarding’) was used during prisoner interrogations at Guantanamo Bay with Bush Administration approval, would continue to be broadcast “around the clock in fertile jihad breeding grounds” in Africa, Malaysia, East London, San Diego, and Falls Church, Virginia.

“Now it all makes sense,” proclaimed ABC News President David Westin. “Why else would he insist on doing the interview before the end of the year when we asked him to come in after the end of his term — pretty sharp on his part. It also explains why he would go out of his way to solidify Joe Biden’s claim to the title of “The Tight-Lipped Vice President.”

The subject of torture has been a divisive one even within the Administration. Proponents say it’s not only a productive means of extracting valuable information quickly, but when done correctly can be a fun and humorous way to relieve tension. Experts, on the other hand, claim that information received through torture is often unreliable; going so far as to suggest that people might actually lie to avoid having live electrical wires attached to their genitals.

One example which continues to stir-up controversy is the interrogation and subsequent confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. ‘KSM’ was discussed specifically in the interview, with Cheney saying he found water-boarding to be appropriate in his case, and claiming, “There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source… So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves.”

An anonymous NSA analyst, when reached for comment, responded only by asking, “What results? No more attacks here yet?”

Opponents of torture, however, question the veracity of KSM’s confession, the rambling 27-page document in which the alleged ‘9/11 mastermind’ boasted of his responsibility for a broad range of anti-West terrorist acts. Among the crimes to which al Qaeda’s ‘#2′ confessed were both World Trade Center attacks, the bombing of the USS Cole, the abduction and murder of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the baseball bouncing through Bill Buckner’s legs in the 1986 World Series, and urinating in the reflecting pool between the Capitol building and Washington Monument.

Human rights groups felt some degree of solace, however, when Cheney said that “at no time were detainees forced to watch any post 1985 episodes of Saturday Night Live.” The Vice President added, “We are a civilized nation. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

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DB Editorial: Uncomfortable with ‘Gay Crush’ on Rick Warren

O.K. faithful readers and readers ‘of faith’, how about a quick show of hands: If not for the extensive coverage (during an otherwise slow news week) of the disappointment and outrage expressed by Pro-Choice and Gay Rights groups over the President-elect’s choice of Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at next month’s inauguration, how many would even be aware that there was an invocation delivered at Presidential inaugurations, let alone give it a second thought?

[Please put your hands down now - people are going to wonder who the crazy person looking at the computer with a raised arm is...]

First, to get a couple of things out in the open:

1. I am a strong advocate for the separation of church and state. The Holy Roman Empire ended badly, the Church of England has caused more than a bit of a ruckus, and I don’t see a lot of people planning their next vacation in the Islamic Republic of Iran.
2. I also don’t understand why it’s so God-awful important to so many people to have “Thou shalt not kill” and the other nine Commandments, only one of which is actually law, prominently displayed over the heads of judges, particularly in courts where capital cases are heard.
3. I try to limit my adversarial discussions on the abortion issue to Pro-Lifers who have adopted at least one otherwise unwanted child simply because the mother chose not to keep it rather than out of their own desire to be a parent. I always have time and respect for people who put their money where their mouth is whether they agree with me or not.
4. My girlfriend and I are from different religious backgrounds. No church will marry us. We acknowledge and respect this as their right. But I’m still waiting to hear a reasonable, non-faith based argument as to what makes me so special that I have the civil right to marry the person of my choice while other (generally more) responsible adults do not, simply because I am a man and have chosen a woman with questionable judgment.
5. ‘Proposition 8′ is blatantly discriminatory and should, [and I believe will] be overturned by the judiciary. For those who argue that ‘we are a democracy and if the majority support a law their decision should be final’, I remind you of two things: First, the United States is not a democracy, it is a republic. If you don’t believe me, kindly refer to the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’. [Hint: It shows up shortly before ‘God'.] Second, we should be more honest with ourselves. If majority opinion were the rule of law, we probably still wouldn’t have a Black voter, never mind a Black President-elect.

Now that you have a clearer picture of where I’m coming from, let’s get back to this sordid business of the Pastor and the President-elect…

Why is anyone disappointed, shocked or outraged? I heard a leading Gay Rights activist yesterday saying, “…Barack Obama has closed the door on us…” Pro-Choice groups are up in arms because Mr. Warren is an anti-abortion rights advocate.

I hate to say this, my ‘glass-half-empty’ friends, but lighten up. We’re talking about a two-minute invocation, not a Cabinet appointment. It’s time to remind ourselves that we’re not going to be ‘the opposition’ any more. There’s really going to be a President who supports our causes. So what if he has Rick Warren, a conservative pastor, doing the invocation? He has Joseph Lowery, a liberal minister doing the benediction, and Pepper & Rosenberger, a moderate caterer, doing the refreshments. What’s the big deal?

The President-elect, during the transition, has clearly demonstrated that he intends, as promised, to govern from the ‘center out’, not from the ‘left in’. He is not closing his door on his supporters; he is demonstrating that, unlike his predecessors, it is open to his opponents. The ‘new opposition’ is going to be treated the way we always felt we should have been. Isn’t that a refreshing change?

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GLOBAL MARKETS REBOUND AS PRESIDENT GOES AGAINST OWN INSTINCTS

Scholars Predict New Era of Unprecedented Peace & Prosperity
Nobel Committee Convenes Emergency Session

Only 7 years, 10 months and 29 days into his presidency, George W. Bush today announced that he has chosen to take a course of action that is contrary to his instincts and his belief in free markets.

While the $17.4 billion ‘bridge-loan’ rescue of GM and Chrysler grabbed domestic headlines, it was the shift in the President’s decision-making policy that dominated global media. The praise of world leaders and scholars alike was universal.

“I am predicting that most of the world’s major crises will be resolved with extraordinary speed and skill,” said David Seward, Distinguished Professor of Contemporary History at Melbourne University. “Just imagine the wonderful world we might be living in today if, from the very first, President Bush had made up his mind about what he thought was best and had then done the opposite.”

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez hailed the policy shift as “The greatest thing to happen to the people, particularly the downtrodden people of the world, in my lifetime. Today, I can forgive Mr. Bush for all the times he tried to see that my lifetime wouldn’t include this historic day. God has shown him the light. There is a new, warm wind blowing on the people of Venezuela and all of South America, and when it’s blowing from our north, I don’t smell the sulphur anymore.” Mr. Chavez then added that he hopes “Mr. Bush will accept my invitation to become the next Commissioner of the LVBP.” [The top professional baseball league in Venezuela] “If he does the opposite for us of what he did for the Texas Rangers, I’m confident that Caracas will soon become known as the Baseball Capital of the World.”

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-il suggested that the Nobel Foundation, which has already awarded its prizes for 2008, create a special award to honor President Bush for his “… outstanding contribution to the philosophy of governance.” Kim, in an announcement broadcast on state-run television, also warned of “…dire consequences for Finland if the Nobel Foundation were to snub Mr. Bush.”

A government spokesman in Helsinki released a statement outlining Finland’s official position that Alfred Nobel was Swedish.

A member of the Nobel selection committee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, indicated that a special award for President Bush might be in the offing. “There is a simplicity and logic that underlies great genius,” they noted, “and when you combine the sublime logic of going against his instincts with his profound level of simplicity, well, let’s just say this is a most historic accomplishment.”

In other news, when asked what action the Administration would consider appropriate in terms of maintaining normalized relations with nuclear power North Korea in light of Condoleeza Rice’s well publicized quote, “Only an idiot would trust North Korea,” the President responded, “At this late date in our Administration, only an idiot would pay any attention to Condi.”

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Fred Thompson Continues ‘Media-oric’ Rise

Radio Next for Former Senator, ‘Law & Order’ Star

Fred Dalton Thompson, the former U.S. Senator and Republican Presidential Candidate who has also starred in movies and television, is making the jump to daytime radio.

Westwood One Radio Networks President Gary Schonfeld, looking as proud as a peacock that had just swallowed a dozen Styrofoam pellets, called Thompson, “a perfect fit for radio,” adding, “His unique set of qualifications will make him a huge hit with both listeners and advertisers.”

The two-hour daily talk show, tentatively titled ‘Midday Siesta with Tio Freddie’ will air live from Noon – 2pm, Monday – Friday beginning March 2nd. It will fill the time slot being vacated by Bill O’Reilly’s wildly popular ‘They’re All a Bunch of Liberal Jerks’, which will sign-off after a successful six-year run on February 27th. According to a statement issued by Westwood One, the show will feature Thompson sharing “his views on politics, topical issues, pop culture and water cooler stories”, as well as guest interviews and listener calls.

“I know this is merely a stepping-stone for Fred, but I hope he’ll stick around for a while,” Mr. Schonfeld told the freelance journalist who was lured to the scheduled press conference by free coffee and donuts, “It’s so obvious that he’s on his way to bigger and better things, we’re just honored that he’s chosen Westwood One as a stop along the way.” The radio executive-turned-groupie continued, “The writing is on the wall. The question isn’t if greater accomplishments await, it’s how soon can we expect them.”

Pueblo, Colorado based media consultant Meegan Toomey, co-founder of Travers & Toomey LLC, concurs. “Just look at Senator Thompson’s body of work in mass media and entertainment,” she explains, “Then, look at the momentum of his career. The man’s gone from Hollywood movies to prime time television and now daytime talk-radio with the momentum of a runaway freight train going downhill. What’s going to stop him? Nothing. I predict within 4-6 years we’ll be talking about Fred Thompson as the biggest thing to hit Vaudeville since the Crash of ‘29.”

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GOP Allocates $84 Million to Investigate Clinton Finances

Starr Top Choice to Lead Probe

In the wake of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Federal Election Commission filing which revealed that she has ‘written off’ $13.1 million in loans she made to her Presidential campaign from personal funds, Republican Party Officials have announced they will spend “$84 million, maybe more if we have to” for a comprehensive investigation into the financial dealings of the both the Senator and her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

“I suppose she’s going to tell us she’s been speculating in pork bellies again,” an obviously irate Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan told reporters. “Something’s obviously wrong here. The Clintons reported income totaling $109 million since he left office 8 years ago. Liberals just don’t make that kind of money and remain liberals.”

Mr. Duncan said the investigation will be conducted privately and financed by the RNC. “No, we’re not asking for a special prosecutor this time. We’d only be at the mercy of Congress for funding, not to mention all the stifling laws and regulations — people crying about ‘due process’ and all the other crap that kept justice from being served the last time. This is too big. The whole thing stinks and we’re going to get to the bottom of it, even if it bankrupts our employee pension fund.”

When asked by a reporter about the choice of former Whitewater Special Prosecutor Ken Starr to head the investigation, Mr. Duncan became incensed. “Not Ken Starr, you idiot! Ken Starr spent $60 million and couldn’t indict a ham sandwich. The problem was that nobody, including myself, liked talking to the guy. A job like this calls for someone people will open up to. That’s the best way to get reliable information. So I’ve asked someone universally liked, especially by liberal, 1960s flag-burning hippie-types – you know, the kind of people who the Clintons would know and trust, Ringo Starr, if he will take this on.  I assume his touring schedule is clear, and I sincerely hope he’ll accept our invitation to serve the American people in this capacity. I realize, as far as being a legal scholar, he is not as highly regarded as our previous point man, but I’m confident he can get better results out of an investigation.”

In a prepared statement, Ken Starr responded, “I applaud the Republican Party for remaining steadfast in their resolve to maintain a certain level of hate for liberals in general and the Clintons in particular, especially in these trying times when our leadership has clearly demonstrated to the American people what a greedy, pandering bunch of unscrupulous imbeciles we really are. As for me, I am currently very busy representing wealthy homophobic clients in their defense of Proposition 8. When that case is finished, I will be joining the fight against one of the root causes of obesity in the United States: I have accepted the position of lead counsel for a group seeking to ban door-to-door sales of Girl Scout cookies. As far as the Clinton investigation is concerned, I hope Mr. Starr will accept the position he has been offered and I would be more than willing to share any knowledge or insight I may have with him. I have always liked Ringo, and I’m sure I would enjoy any conversation he wishes to have with me.”

A publicist for the former Beatle told Rolling Stone Magazine, “The only investigation Ringo is interested in right now is the one he’s conducting to locate the source of whatever it is these people are smoking.”

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BUSH PARDONS BLAGOJEVICH

Buys Senate Seat for First-Lady

In a development that blindsided all but their closest mutual friends, President Bush issued a “full complete, and absolute” Christmas Day pardon to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. True to the spirit of holiday season ‘pay to play’ tradition, Blagojevich later announced that he and the President had “reached an agreement in principle” and would announce his appointment of First-Lady Laura Bush to fill the Senate seat vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama, “as soon as the funds clear.”

“Governor Blagojevich is one of the rare Democrats who seems to truly understand why folks like us aspire to the highest levels of public service. I am honored to call him my acquaintance,” the Santa-suit clad President told the lone White House correspondent not otherwise assigned to present a Yuletide expose on the collapsing gingerbread house market or the ‘Great Chinese-Made Turkey Baster Scandal’ to the national media’s holiday audience.

“I did not come by this decision lightly,” the lame duck ‘St. Nick’ impersonator continued, “But there appears to me to be such a conduit [sic] of factors that all flow in the same direction – that it is in the best interest of all concerned parties that this unfortunate episode not continue any further. First, with the important decisions facing our nation, particularly in states like Illinois that have been totally screwed over under my Administration, we cannot afford even short-term paralysis of the state legislature. Second, Laura is a great wife and mother, but she’s really hard to shop for. Third, I can think of no better or more appropriate way to invest some of my ‘Cabinet appointment money’, and finally, I’ve had my people look into it, and there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell they were going to convict the asshole anyway.”

With both houses of Congress in recess until January 5th, reaction from leaders of both parties was surprisingly positive. While some Democrats are concerned that a Democratic Senate seat is being turned-over to a registered Republican, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid believes those fears are baseless. “Those of us on The Hill who have been fortunate enough to get to know Mrs. Bush over the last eight years, I’m sure, are all delighted to have her join us in the Senate. She is intelligent, she has great insight, and she is at all times diplomatic. On top of that, as a mother and former teacher, her genuine concern for the welfare of others, particularly younger people, is obvious. There is absolutely nothing about her that suggests to me any predisposition to follow the policies or philosophy of her husband’s Administration or the Republican National Committee.”

“Laura will make a great Senator, as I believe most First-Ladies would,” Hillary Clinton told reporters. “She’s had eight years to get to know the game and the players. She’ll possess a unique perspective on where her husband screwed up, and most importantly for an influential Senator, she knows where a whole lot of skeletons are buried.”

“Frankly, I believe the end will justify the means,” Senator John McCain noted in an exclusive interview with CBS anchorwoman Katie Couric. “Laura Bush would have been a better choice 8 years ago, she would have been a better choice 4 years ago, and she’ll be a great choice 4 years from now. Besides, any move that bumps ‘Caribou Barbie’ from the talk-show circuit is aces in my book.”

Zero Proceeds to Benefit Rod Blagojevich.

HAMAS, ISRAEL AGREE TO U.S.-BROKERED ACCORD

Israel to Cede All Land to Palestinians

Hamas Declares War on Egypt

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”

The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”

“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”

The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”

From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.

“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”

ALERT FLIGHT ATTENDANT PREVENTS AIR DISASTER

AirTran Crew Quarantines Flatulent Passenger, Makes Emergency Landing

For the second time in as many news cycles, the tens of dollars AirTran Airways has invested in advanced security training for its flight crews has paid a handsome dividend. Thanks to an alert flight attendant, almost certain catastrophe was averted on Flight 281 from Boston to Atlanta earlier today.

While scores of relaxed passengers, totally unaware of the peril in their midst, were innocently enjoying their complimentary meal of iceberg lettuce with tomato wedge, cucumber slice, and fat-free Ranch dressing, Rice Pilaf with lukewarm chunks resembling chicken meat, and a four-ounce container of red Jell-O with stuff in it, alert flight crew members sprang into action. Quickly, decisively, and heroically, they assaulted, kidnapped and humiliated a retiree before making an emergency landing in Charlotte, North Carolina — triggering not only flight delays up and down the Eastern seaboard, but also the mobilization of dozens of Transportation Safety Administration, FBI, and Homeland Security personnel, many of whom expressed their gratitude to taxpayers for the overtime hours.

The drama began when a flight attendant serving coffee overheard a young girl say, “Grandpa, it’s not nice to do stinky bombs on the airplane.” According to witnesses, the flight attendant, who company records indicate finished near the top of her class in the airline’s mandatory security and counter-terrorism training course, calmly yelled, “The dirty Arab’s gotta bomb!” as she emptied her pot of hot decaf onto 68 year-old Hiram Rabinowitz of Miami and his four-year-old granddaughter, Sydney. Alert cabin crew immediately descended on Mr. Rabinowitz, subduing him and removing him to the rear galley of the Boeing 737 “even faster than they disappear with the drink wagon,” according to one grateful passenger. Mr. Rabinowitz was turned over, without incident, to air marshals in Charlotte. According to an FBI investigator, the ‘stinky bombs’ produced by Mr. Rabinowitz (who “claims he is not a Muslim,” according to TSA officials) were the result of a chemical reaction between the cucumber slice from his salad course and the California White Zinfandel he ordered with his meal. “We have reason to believe there was some onion involved as well,” the investigator told reporters, “And we’re also examining the stuff they put in the Jell-O. We won’t know until the test results come back if he actually ingested any of the Jell-O, but I’ve always been curious to know what that stuff is anyway.”

“I want to make it clear that at no time were the lives of any passengers aboard AirTran flight 281 in jeopardy,” said TSA spokesman Paul Katz. “Unless the suspect somehow gained access to the cockpit, which is highly unlikely, the worst case is that he would have caused mild to extreme discomfort to the passengers around him, particularly the ones who were still eating. Thanks to the quick action taken by the flight crew, that was all but averted.”

The quick-thinking flight attendant, who asked to remain anonymous, issued a statement saying. “I’m not looking for any credit, I just did my job the same way any AirTran crewmember would. I’m just glad everybody’s alive and, thanks to the scheduled five-hour layover in Atlanta, still made their connection to Miami. And of course I hope little Sydney’s disfigurement isn’t permanent.”

Shure to be a Collecter's Itum

NORM COLEMAN TO CHALLENGE STEPHEN COLBERT

Seeks to ‘Cement Place in History’

The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) announced today that Norm Coleman, the former Democratic Mayor of St. Paul, former Republican Senator from Minnesota, and current Brooklyn-born Jewish private citizen will host a music and variety special scheduled to air on CBN during the May ‘Sweeps’ week. It is widely believed that Mr. Coleman will be the network’s first-ever featured performer to hail from New York City.

‘Music From the Malls with Norm Coleman’ will feature a variety of performances, both live and pre-recorded, from the Mall in Washington D.C., Coleman’s most recent home, and the Mall of America in his resident home state of Minnesota. The common thread of the performers to be featured will be that, like Coleman, all were also once considered prominent.

“This is a great opportunity for Norm to cement his place in history,” said Cullen Sheehan, Coleman’s campaign manager. “This show represents the perfect vehicle to showcase his broad range of talents and earn him an Emmy nomination. While losing a gubernatorial election to a pro wrestler and an incumbent Senate seat to a comedian are solid losing credentials, being the first to lose the Emmy to Stephen Colbert would, we feel, establish Norm Coleman as the United States’ pre-eminent loser.”

According to New York based political strategist Tony Vita, Coleman already holds a unique place as a losing public figure. “It takes an extraordinarily rare individual to accomplish what he has already,” Mr. Vita explained, “To consistently be nominated to high office and almost as consistently lose, particularly to weak and/or inexperienced opposition, is the political equivalent of being superficially likable enough to regularly be a member of wedding parties, yet personally disagreeable enough to never sustain a close personal relationship.” Mr. Vita is also confident that the former Senator’s current goal is attainable. “When you look at the reality of ‘superficial’ gets you nominated but ‘substance’ gets you elected, the fields of politics and entertainment suddenly have a lot more in common than most people realize. I expect his campaign people to hit the ground running, and with Conservative Evangelical Christian money and media behind him, recent trends suggest that he should both get nominated and lose.”

According to Sheehan, the decision to go after the Emmy nomination was not made lightly by either Senator Coleman or his advisers. “See that, you just referred to him as ‘Senator’ — people remember him for the one blemish on his otherwise exemplary record of losing, but they forget that he was a shoe-in to lose until Fate intervened in the eleventh hour,” he admonished the reporters present, “Norm Coleman has reached a point in his career that every outstanding politician reaches sooner or later. He needs to consider his legacy. He needs to know he has somehow raised the bar for those who will follow him. This will be his crowning achievement. This is what future generations will read about.”

The ‘blemish’ on Coleman’s record referenced by Mr. Sheehan was, of course, Mr. Coleman’s victory in the 2002 Senatorial election. Coleman was expected to lose comfortably to incumbent Democrat Paul Wellstone, who was tragically killed in a plane crash shortly before the election. Democratic officials named former Vice President Walter Mondale as a last-minute replacement for Wellstone on the ballot, but despite what insiders refer to as ‘Herculean efforts’ on the part of Coleman, he still fell 2.1% of the vote short of becoming the first candidate to lose to Mondale since 1976.

In other news, an agreement has been reached among Republican Senate leaders seeking to bar Al Franken from being seated, Democratic Senate leaders seeking to bar Roland Burris from being seated, and representatives of Franken and Burris. According to the agreement, before the first session of the new Senate is called to order Tuesday morning, two seats will be removed from the Chamber. The National Anthem will then be played, and when the music stops, the two Senators left standing will be removed from the session.

Norm for Emmy Nomination

REID: ECONOMY, PEACE “WILL HAVE TO WAIT”

Ego Issue Top Priority for Senate

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced today that the Senate’s, “top, and only priority, will be to resolve the Burris and Franken matters before proceeding to any of those other minor issues people seem to be so pre-occupied with.” According to Senator Reid, “The United States Senate is considered perhaps the most exclusive club in the world, and we’ve got some serious membership issues here. The ‘little people’ are just going to have to wait.”

First up: The Membership Committee will meet Thursday with Roland Burris, embattled-but-still Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s legitimate appointee to fill the seat vacated by President-Elect Obama. Mr. Burris, “has graciously agreed to answer any and all questions put to him by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers,” Reid revealed at a morning press conference, “so that should kill at least a couple of days.” He then continued, “But we want to make it clear from the outset, as Mr. Burris himself told us right up front that he also understands, race is absolutely not an issue here – not with Mr. Burris, who I’ve just spoken with and is obviously a credit to his people — and not with the two Jews from Minnesota either.”

In fact, according to an anonymous Membership Committee official, the fact that Mr. Burris is African-American may actually work to his advantage. “We all understand the importance of diversity in our society and within the Senate itself. For example, if we don’t have at least one Black member, the PGA, by rule, cannot sanction any of our golf outings. As far as the Franken-Coleman situation, I can assure you that the Republican leadership just wants to wait until all legal avenues are exhausted before seating another Democrat. The fact that Mr. Franken is Jewish is not a factor – so is Senator Coleman, and trust me, the fact that nobody around here ever liked him has nothing to do with his faith. As far as Mr. Franken’s ‘show business thing’, I understand why that part of his background might make some members a little nervous. After all, we all know what those people are like.”

Senator Reid said that he hopes the Senate can work out its internal disputes in time to get to matters “such as the worsening economy, the two wars the country is fighting, the Middle East, health care, and maybe even education” before breaking for their summer recess, adding, “I hate to think about how much worse all the visitors to the Capitol will smell if they’ve been out of work for awhile.”

In other news:

Tensions flared between Hamas and France today when a spokesman for Hamas leaders threatened that they would consider declaring war on France if “that infidel with the hot wife doesn’t butt out,” adding, “And I doubt there’s anybody out there who doesn’t believe we can and would kick France’s ass if it ever came to that.” When reached for comment, French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded only by saying, “They don’t scare me. As long as I’m not a civilian, they’ll never target me.”

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Paulson Approves Bailout for Adult Entertainment Industry

Treasury Secretary to Become ‘Talent Coordinator’ for Larry Flynt Productions

Saying he’s “dying to find out how many of the things taxpayers have been suggesting Administration officials do are actually physically possible,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today announced his approval for the bailout package requested by Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt and ‘Girls Gone Wild’ producer Joe Francis. He also added that his decision has nothing to do with what he described as “a long-standing offer” to become a ‘Talent Coordinator’ for Larry Flynt Productions’ ‘LFP Video’ movie company upon the swearing in of Timothy Geithner, his nominated successor for the top position at the Treasury Department.

The total of what industry analysts describe as ‘an unprecedented package’ has yet to be determined. The amount requested by Flynt and Francis is $5 billion, representing the decrease in the industry’s annual revenue over the past three years, but a somewhat cryptic Paulson explained, “Five is a number nobody would even mention publicly where I grew up. Generally you start with six, and work your way up from there until you get the desired results. Of course, sometimes five might be more than enough – what’s important is maximum utilization – in layman’s terms ‘how you use it’. If I had to commit to a number today, I’d have to say 6 to 6½, with the possibility that it might grow to 8 depending on such factors as performance in the near term, and the viability of sustaining growth over the long term.”

When asked by reporters if there might be a conflict of interest in light of the fact that he has accepted a position to work for a party directly involved in the bailout, a somewhat testy Secretary Paulson responded, “Look, I could have chosen to keep it under wraps until later, but I put the whole thing out on the table hoping to avoid exactly these sorts of questions. People always wonder about these sorts of things, ‘Are they real, or are they fake?’ For those who want to believe the worst, all they will ever believe from me is that this is less than half the potential conflict of interest that Goldman Sachs is. For what it’s worth, since I came to Treasury in 2006 hoping to serve my country, I’ve passed up at least $50 million I could have made in the private sector. Money is not the most important thing in my life, and believe me, I plan to enjoy my retirement.”

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-MA), who has no authority over how Paulson distributes TARP funds, when reached for comment said, “I’m optimistic something good will come from this. American taxpayers have always known they were getting screwed, but I don’t think there are many who have, or even could have, imagined the number ways they have been or soon will be screwed. Those who take the time to scrutinize this plan and its results will learn things they never believed were even possible in that regard.”

Paulson’s press conference can be heard in its entirety by calling 1-900-BIG-HANK (a $3.99/minute charge applies)

SENATE LEADERS REACH COMPROMISE ON BURRIS, FRANKEN

Newest Senators To Be Seated At ‘Kids Table’

After a whirlwind morning session on Capitol Hill, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell jointly announced that a compromise agreement had been reached which would allow for both Roland Burris (D-IL) and Al Franken (D-MN) to be seated as early as tomorrow. According to McConnell, both will be seated “without prejudice”, a legal term signifying that the matter is not necessarily closed and could still be re-visited in the future should the Senate find circumstances warrant further action.

The agreement calls for a small table to be placed in the rear corner of the Democratic side of the Senate chamber where the two Junior Senators will remain seated until it is determined that the time is appropriate for either or both of them to join the full body. “We don’t know how long these legal processes may go on,” Senator Reid explained, “So we didn’t feel it would be fair on our part to ask Illinois and Minnesota to leave them at home. We felt this was the best way to accommodate everyone with the least possible distraction to the full body of the Senate.”

The Junior Senators will have, with one notable exception, the same rights and privileges as all the other Senators, including voting privileges on any matter not specifically pertaining to their being seated. “All we ask is that they not act unilaterally to address the Chamber,” according to Senator McConnell. “They may only speak to the full body when first spoken to.” The Minority Leader added, “They may, of course talk quietly among themselves so long as they are not disruptive, but we will not tolerate any roughhousing or the two of them running around like a couple of banshees. If that occurs, we will be forced to ask [Illinois Senior] Senator Durbin and/or [Minnesota Senior] Senator Klobuchar to take them home. But let me be clear, we have received assurances from all parties involved that this will not be the case.”

The agreement also allows for presumptive Senator-Elect Al Franken, in the unlikely event opponent Norm Coleman prevails in his legal battle to re-claim the Minnesota seat, to use the Chamber when the Senate is in recess to film what would be his next Hollywood feature film, ‘Stuart Saves the Senate’. “That project will only go forward if Norm Coleman were to somehow prevail,” Franken’s chief counsel Marc Elias told reporters. “In order for that to occur, he would have to beat a live opponent at least twice. For my money, I’d sooner bet on Bernie Madoff being elected Treasurer of the Palm Beach Country Club.”

In a related story, embattled-but-still Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced that a special election will be held on March 3rd in Illinois’ 1st Congressional District (on Chicago’s South Side) to determine who will take the place of nine-term House of Representatives member Bobby Rush, who’s head tragically exploded when he heard Senate Minority Leader McConnell utter the words ‘Roland Burris’ and ‘without prejudice’ in the same sentence.

Emotional Bush In ‘Mea Culpa’

Tearful President: “The Responsibility is Mine Alone”

“It’s been eight years. I have tried, and I have failed. I see now that my policies and my methods were wrong. I am ultimately responsible – all the important decisions were mine and mine alone to make. All I can say now to the American people is that I am truly, deeply sorry.”

With those words, an obviously emotional President George W. Bush stunned the media at his final press conference as the nation’s 43rd President yesterday. The apology came in response to questions about the behavior of Barney, his eight-year-old Scottish terrier who made international headlines last November when he bit Reuters news reporter Jonathan Decker. “It’s not just that I’ve spoiled him, but I even encouraged aggressive behavior ever since Vladimir Putin called him out,” the remorseful Chief Executive explained – referring to the incident where “Putin showed off his much larger dog, Koni, a black Labrador, and suggested it could dispatch Barney with little effort. ‘Bigger, tougher, stronger, faster, meaner …than Barney,’ Putin is said to have boasted.” (The Guardian, Jan. 6, 2008)

Barney addressing the media after November incident.

“I was a little concerned about his behavior when we first got him from Christie,” the now whining Commander-in-Chief continued. (Barney’s mother, Coors, belongs to former New Jersey Governor and EPA Administrator Christine Todd Whitman.) “But the only time I ever heard Christie Whitman sound more sure of herself than when she told me Barney didn’t have a mean bone in his body was when she said that the air around ground zero was safe to breathe. But again, I don’t want it to sound like I’m blaming anybody else. We’re not talking about the economy, the wars, civil liberties, torture, Hurricane Katrina – any of that other stuff. This is about Barney, and all responsibility rests squarely on my shoulders and mine alone.”

“Very few Presidents have had the courage to assume responsibility for their First Dogs,” former Deputy Chief of Staff and political strategist Karl Rove told Fox News host Bill O’Reilly. “When I left the White House in 2007, I referred to Barney as ‘a lump’ and I meant it. In person he’s far from the same dog you see in all those videos. I’m not saying he’s a bad dog – quite the contrary, Barney’s a good dog. He just came to the White House very young, and the power sometimes got to his head. But to see the President, in these final days, deflect criticism away from Barney, I think, finally gives the American people a glimpse of the caring, protective, canine approach he brings to everything he does, and I think that perhaps there’s a chance his legacy will now reflect that.”

“Boy, am I going to miss that man!” gushed political pundit and Neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh. “The courage, the pathos, that little smirk — didn’t you just want to hug him? Wow! And I’m not ashamed to say it – I’d do him right here and now for a couple of OxyContins.”

Top Intelligence Court Affirms Warrantless Wiretapping

NSA: “We Could Have Told You, But We Couldn’t Tell You”

According to a New York Times report, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court of Review today released a decision it made last August “validating the power of the president and Congress to wiretap international phone calls and intercept e-mail messages without a court order, even when Americans’ private communications may be involved…” (New York Times, 1/15/2009)

While the ruling in no way addresses the legality of the once-secret National Security Agency operation authorized by President Bush in which the NSA eavesdropped on the international communications of Americans suspected of ties to terrorists, it is nonetheless seen by the intelligence community as a vindication of their actions.

“We’ve always known that the majority of Americans support our domestic surveillance program,” said an NSA operative identified only as ‘Hacker’. “We’ve read it in their e-mails. We’ve heard it in their phone conversations. We’ve heard it in restaurants, in hotel rooms, in public restrooms, in private restrooms — you name it.” He then added, “But to have a ruling that obviously indicates we have the support of our top secret courts is a huge boost to morale. I’d venture to guess that lot of people around here are going to find it much easier to stay awake through a lot of really boring late-night phone calls.”

The decision, released to the public in unclassified, redacted form, represents only the third ruling issued by the court in its 30-year history. The court, which oversees the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA),  upheld a secret FISA ruling made last year that Congress was within its authority when it passed the controversial ‘Protect America Act’ in 2007. That measure gives the executive branch broad power to eavesdrop on international communications.

The ruling stems from a challenge by an unidentified telecommunications provider that questioned the authority of the executive branch to compel it to “capture and turn over” international communications without a court order. The company, which according to a source familiar with the case “will soon be facing a vast array of regulatory nightmares and extensive IRS audits,” refused to comply with the order and challenged it in the FISA court.

While spokesmen for the Justice Department and the FISA and appellate courts declined to comment on the ruling, transcripts of secretly recorded conversations between one of the appellate judges and his overseas mistress seem to indicate a prevailing attitude within the secret courts and the intelligence community that with a new administration taking over the reins in Washington, it was “time to stir the pot a little.”

“I think the big breakthrough, as far as getting the level of support needed for these sorts of operations to be successful, came when the President had the foresight and wisdom to listen to his top advisers and issue an executive order broadening the initial surveillance plan to include American judges, public officials, and prominent people in the media,” noted national security and intelligence analyst Paul Sokoloff told Fox News host and noted ‘Bush-bitch’ Sean Hannity, “Learning where countless skeletons are buried is a most efficient means of removing many potential roadblocks on the way to finding bin Laden.”

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BUSH ORDERS RETALIATORY AIR STRIKES AGAINST CANADA

Declares ‘War on Avian Terror’

President Bush, citing intelligence reports linking al Qaeda to a vast Canadian ‘suicide bird’ training network, today ordered air strikes against 6-8 suspected aviaries and wildlife preserves in Canada as retaliation for the apparent suicide geese attack against U.S. Airways flight 1549 this afternoon. “I know nobody was killed, thank God,” the visibly angry lame-duck told a hastily convened White House press conference, “but that was due to the heroic efforts of the pilot and crew. It’s obvious that the intention of these foul fowl was to kill Americans. Besides, do you have any idea of the impact on rush hour traffic?”

The President also had a stern warning for Canada as well as any other countries that might harbor what he referred to as “extremist terror nests”: “Our actions will be swift, and they will be severe,” he emphasized, “and your birds and larger flying insects are either with us or they are against us. But let me be perfectly clear about one thing — and you can mark my words on this — we will exterminate them over there so we won’t have to exterminate them over here.”

The President then outlined intelligence reports indicating that in recent months, suspected al Qaeda operatives had approached both government officials and black market sources in Canada, Greenland, and several Central and South American countries “in an effort to procure large numbers of dangerous birds which they would use to bring American air traffic to a standstill.” He also added, “And I think anybody who’s seen that Hitchcock movie knows their long-term agenda is probably even more sinister.”

CIA spokesman Christopher Toomey told reporters, “They fill the heads of these young birds with anti-West rhetoric, suggesting we commit such atrocities as eating their young, even their unborn. They tell them we keep their relatives locked up in cages. Then they teach them that if they die as martyrs, they will go to a place where the streets are paved with stale bread and that they will each be rewarded with 72 statues. The little pea-brains don’t stand a chance.”

A Pentagon spokesman would not confirm the number or locations of the targeted facilities, saying only that they were primarily in remote areas where “anybody around there on a Thursday afternoon won’t be missed.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who convened an emergency session of Parliament, was unavailable for comment, though an anonymous source close to the situation in Ottawa reports, “there is a general consensus, given the current global state of affairs, that Canada should immediately surrender and request foreign aid.”

Robert Gibbs, Barack Obama’s press secretary, issued a brief, prepared statement emphasizing the President-Elect’s previously stated [ad nauseam] position that “there is only one President at a time.” One transition team member, speaking on condition of anonymity, later added, “It never made sense to me that the President isn’t sworn-in earlier along with the rest of the government, but I never dreamed it would come back to bite us in the ass like this.”

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OBAMA PARDONS BUSH, CHENEY

Apologizes to Predecessors, Cites Effectiveness of ‘Enhanced Interrogation Methods’

Saying he was unaware of the day’s unfolding events until after last night’s inaugural balls, President Obama today apologized to former President Bush and former Vice President Cheney for their brief detention by federal authorities and, after telling the White House press corps, “I think many people in this room may well have done the same things they are accused of,” announced that he has pardoned both for “any related transgressions”.

Reading from a prepared statement, the President told reporters:

“…In no way should this pardon be interpreted as an endorsement of their actions. Quite the contrary – in my opinion both have violated the trust placed in them by the American people, and in thereby doing, have tarnished the offices they held and we as a nation hold so dear. The President, and the Vice President as well, are not in a position to give in to base instincts, and I want to assure everybody, not just in the United States but around the world that, under similar circumstances, they can expect better from me and from Vice President Biden. But that being said, with all of the important issues our country now faces, we need to move forward, not look back. My office has been in contact with their representatives and I have spoken with both men personally. I am satisfied that both are aware of and regret the situation they have caused and the actions that led to it, and both have assured me that they will cooperate fully with authorities and make full restitution. It is my understanding that, under interrogation, Vice President Cheney confessed to a couple of things we were unaware of, but I will withhold comment on those while investigations are ongoing. As far as matters relating to their detention and questioning yesterday, I see no benefit to be gained by their arrest and possible prosecution…”

It all began Tuesday morning shortly after moving vans containing the belongings of the still first and second families pulled away from The White House and The Naval Observatory, and alert staff began noticing several items missing.

“These are residences. They are homes, not hotels for God’s sake,” a irate Robyn Coghlan, the State Department’s Chief of Protocol told one reporter. “If you want towels, little soaps and shampoo bottles, stationery, silverware and the like with The White House logo on them you should buy them from the gift shop like everyone else. And beer? That’s just so wrong!”

The beer referred to by Ms. Coghlan, a vintage case of Carter-era ‘Billy Beer’ normally displayed in the White House pantry, is already on it’s way back to it’s rightful home. “It appears to be a case of mistaken identity,” said David Seward, a Homeland Security spokesman familiar with the former President’s interrogation. “I am told President Bush was visibly embarrassed when he explained to his interrogators that he mistook the case of beer for a similar one that he and the First Lady had received as a wedding gift.”

Regarding rumors that began circulating earlier in the day that an uncooperative former Vice President Cheney had been subjected to ‘enhanced interrogation methods’, Mr. Seward said that he could neither confirm nor deny what methods may have been used, adding only, “But as I understand it, the only materials and devices employed were ones found in his luggage and which are also believed to be property of The Naval Observatory.”

But a second, anonymous Homeland Security source claiming to have been present at the Cheney interrogation revealed that the wheelchair bound former VP was, in fact ‘water-boarded’, “by an overly enthusiastic former Abu Ghraib Prison guard.” He also confirmed that, “the prisoner then quickly confessed to ‘appropriating’ certain items of government property as well as masterminding the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center and once hijacking a Northwest Airlines plane using the alias ‘Dan Cooper’, which he claimed was mistakenly reported in the media as  ‘D.B. Cooper’.”

If true, Cheney’s confession could prove problematic for prosecutors in the case of alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who after being ‘water-boarded’ also confessed to those same crimes as well as many others.

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Obama Reveals Contents of ‘Bush Envelope’

In keeping with the tradition begun only 20 years ago when Ronald Reagan left behind a note for incoming President George H.W. Bush, outgoing 43rd President George W. Bush left a personal message for his successor, sealed in an envelope and placed in the top drawer of the Oval Office’s ‘Resolute Desk’.

President Obama reportedly opened the message, intended to be a private, personal one, while he was alone in the Oval Office preparing for his first full workday as Chief Executive.

Today, perhaps bowing to criticism that he had violated his earlier promise that this administration will be the most transparent to date by limiting media access to his totally meaningless and redundant ‘re-swearing in’ by Chief Justice Roberts, the President made public the contents of that envelope, a copy of which appears below.

In a brief ceremony which took place just after the President’s daily briefings on national security and the economy and just before his daily swearing-in, President Obama had only words of praise for former President Bush:

“His note was a friendly, personal gesture which he obviously put a great deal of his own thought and effort into. Nobody did this for him — it came from his heart. For that reason, I will treasure it always.”

He added that he has ordered the original to be affixed (by magnet) to the White House refrigerator where it will remain on display for an as yet undetermined period of time.

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Holder Confirmation ‘Doubtful’ After Indictment Threat

Holder: Judiciary Committee Republicans ‘Soiled Themselves’

After one of the most combative confirmation hearings in recent memory, political pundits and analysts from both sides of the aisle are mostly in agreement that Eric Holder, as several put it, “today blew whatever chance he may have had to be confirmed as our next Attorney General.”

The real reason for the delay in a vote by the Judiciary Committee was not made clear until last Friday afternoon when, just in time for normally high profile weekend news coverage, Committee Member Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) issued a press release on his website criticizing his Republican colleagues for the delay, saying, among other things, that “Republicans on the Judiciary Committee have asked Eric Holder to make a commitment, before he is even confirmed, that he will not prosecute any Bush Administration officials for their involvement in acts of torture during the last administration.” (To see full press release, click here.)

When asked for a response to their request, a defiant Holder told the Committee:

“I am shocked that you would suggest any law enforcement official make a prosecutorial decision without first examining the relevant facts of the case. I find your request to be as reprehensible as it is unconscionable. The only evidence I have seen thus far would compel me, whether confirmed or not, to seek indictments against those committee members who, for strictly partisan reasons, have attempted to obstruct justice even before the two hallowed ceremonies when the next Attorney General will be sworn in. You have soiled the Justice Department, you have soiled the good name of this Committee, and from the way many of you are squirming, I also believe you have soiled more than just your own reputations.”

At this point, ranking Republican Member Arlen Specter requested a recess. Shortly after the Committee retired to chambers, aides were dispatched to, “retrieve items including 2 inhalers, 4 coated aspirins, 6 Tylenol gelcaps, 8 Valium tablets, and 8 pairs of men’s boxer shorts,” according to a Committee staffer.

One dissenting voice, however, believes that, “Holder’s bold action all but ensures his swift confirmation.” New York based political analyst and saxophone player Arthur ‘Big Cat’ Davis explained, “Now that he has called their bluff, they’re in a very tough spot. There is very little chance of getting any prospective future nominee to go along with such a precondition, and I wouldn’t think they’d try. It’s my guess that they will withdraw their request, apologize to Mr. Holder, confirm him as early as Wednesday, and hope he’ll let bygones be bygones. Remember, these are United States Senators. Given a choice between helping their former leader, their friends, and their colleagues, or saving their own butts, we know what we can expect them to do.”

“The fact that such a request was even made doesn’t bode well for former President Bush and key members of his administration,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “To put it in laymen’s terms, it’s comparable to a husband’s best friend telling his wife, ‘Of course he’s been honest and faithful to you. Now promise me that you won’t follow him tomorrow…’ What do they expect people to believe?”

Blagojevich, After Inking Movie Deal, Will Resign Tomorrow

A source close to embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich confirmed rumors a short time ago that the beleaguered future Hair Club spokesman will announce his resignation on Thursday when he appears before the State Senate at his impeachment trial. The confirmation dispelled the widely held notion that Blagojevich only decided to appear after he realized that cameras have been present and the proceedings are being broadcast on television.

“Rod is making the transition from the small screen to the big screen,” according to his agent, prominent Hollywood attorney C. Stephen Travers, “He has just signed a lucrative contract with Walt Disney Productions and will begin shooting his first film this spring. As he is the type of person who believes in being totally prepared for his every undertaking, he will be spending the next couple of months immersing himself in studies necessary to perform his role to the utmost of his ability. But he wanted to visit the Capitol of his beloved home state one last time to bid the legislature a final ‘f**k you’.”

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but an anonymous Disney source told reporters that the disgraced politician will play the character ‘Blago’, a sociopathic former paramour of Miss Piggy in the upcoming feature ‘The Muppets Go Postal’.

“He’s got the look, he’s got the fur, and from his past career, he’s got experience in both ends of puppetry,” said noted film critic and historian Eileen O’Sullivan, “He’s a great fit for the project. And the Muppets need the ‘edge’ that he brings to the table.”

“I believe Rod has finally found his true calling,” said lawyer-turned-movie star-turned-Senator-turned-TV star-turned-failed Presidential candidate-turned-afternoon-off-hours-can’t-get-ratings-radio call-in show host Fred Thompson, ‘and I think he’ll have the success I might have had if I’d only had hair.”

“The impeachment proceedings will proceed as planned, whether he resigns or not,” an angry John J. Cullerton, the Democratic president of the Illinois State Senate told reporters, “He wants to deny us the sublime pleasure of impeaching his crooked butt, but he’ll get away with it over my dead body. His political carcass is ours.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Senator Cullerton’s Chief of Staff, Meegan Toomey, revealed the reason behind his zeal to convict, “that miserable prick,” telling al Jazeera, “The feeling in the State House is that once he is removed from office, federal prosecutors will not try him on charges that he tried to ‘sell’ President Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. We believe that they will drop the matter entirely, try him on a lesser charge, or let him plead to a lesser charge if he is willing, since they ‘pre-empted’ the actual sale. Nobody wants to risk giving that chinchilla-looking piece of s**t the satisfaction of being acquitted and then forever comparing himself to Job, Jesus, and Jason Giambi for the way he was wrongfully persecuted. Not to mention the disruption to the White House if he were to subpoena Rahm Emmanuel and others to testify just because he can.”

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Posted in Entertainment, Politics, Satire | Tagged: Blagojevich impeachment, Fred Dalton Thompson, Hair Club, John Cullerton, muppets, Rod Blagojevich | 1 Comment »