HAMAS, ISRAEL AGREE TO U.S.-BROKERED ACCORD

Israel to Cede All Land to Palestinians

Hamas Declares War on Egypt

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”

The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”

“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”

The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”

From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.

“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”

BUSH PARDONS BLAGOJEVICH

Buys Senate Seat for First-Lady

In a development that blindsided all but their closest mutual friends, President Bush issued a “full complete, and absolute” Christmas Day pardon to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. True to the spirit of holiday season ‘pay to play’ tradition, Blagojevich later announced that he and the President had “reached an agreement in principle” and would announce his appointment of First-Lady Laura Bush to fill the Senate seat vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama, “as soon as the funds clear.”

“Governor Blagojevich is one of the rare Democrats who seems to truly understand why folks like us aspire to the highest levels of public service. I am honored to call him my acquaintance,” the Santa-suit clad President told the lone White House correspondent not otherwise assigned to present a Yuletide expose on the collapsing gingerbread house market or the ‘Great Chinese-Made Turkey Baster Scandal’ to the national media’s holiday audience.

“I did not come by this decision lightly,” the lame duck ‘St. Nick’ impersonator continued, “But there appears to me to be such a conduit [sic] of factors that all flow in the same direction – that it is in the best interest of all concerned parties that this unfortunate episode not continue any further. First, with the important decisions facing our nation, particularly in states like Illinois that have been totally screwed over under my Administration, we cannot afford even short-term paralysis of the state legislature. Second, Laura is a great wife and mother, but she’s really hard to shop for. Third, I can think of no better or more appropriate way to invest some of my ‘Cabinet appointment money’, and finally, I’ve had my people look into it, and there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell they were going to convict the asshole anyway.”

With both houses of Congress in recess until January 5th, reaction from leaders of both parties was surprisingly positive. While some Democrats are concerned that a Democratic Senate seat is being turned-over to a registered Republican, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid believes those fears are baseless. “Those of us on The Hill who have been fortunate enough to get to know Mrs. Bush over the last eight years, I’m sure, are all delighted to have her join us in the Senate. She is intelligent, she has great insight, and she is at all times diplomatic. On top of that, as a mother and former teacher, her genuine concern for the welfare of others, particularly younger people, is obvious. There is absolutely nothing about her that suggests to me any predisposition to follow the policies or philosophy of her husband’s Administration or the Republican National Committee.”

“Laura will make a great Senator, as I believe most First-Ladies would,” Hillary Clinton told reporters. “She’s had eight years to get to know the game and the players. She’ll possess a unique perspective on where her husband screwed up, and most importantly for an influential Senator, she knows where a whole lot of skeletons are buried.”

“Frankly, I believe the end will justify the means,” Senator John McCain noted in an exclusive interview with CBS anchorwoman Katie Couric. “Laura Bush would have been a better choice 8 years ago, she would have been a better choice 4 years ago, and she’ll be a great choice 4 years from now. Besides, any move that bumps ‘Caribou Barbie’ from the talk-show circuit is aces in my book.”

Zero Proceeds to Benefit Rod Blagojevich.

GOP Allocates $84 Million to Investigate Clinton Finances

Starr Top Choice to Lead Probe

In the wake of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Federal Election Commission filing which revealed that she has ‘written off’ $13.1 million in loans she made to her Presidential campaign from personal funds, Republican Party Officials have announced they will spend “$84 million, maybe more if we have to” for a comprehensive investigation into the financial dealings of the both the Senator and her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

“I suppose she’s going to tell us she’s been speculating in pork bellies again,” an obviously irate Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan told reporters. “Something’s obviously wrong here. The Clintons reported income totaling $109 million since he left office 8 years ago. Liberals just don’t make that kind of money and remain liberals.”

Mr. Duncan said the investigation will be conducted privately and financed by the RNC. “No, we’re not asking for a special prosecutor this time. We’d only be at the mercy of Congress for funding, not to mention all the stifling laws and regulations — people crying about ‘due process’ and all the other crap that kept justice from being served the last time. This is too big. The whole thing stinks and we’re going to get to the bottom of it, even if it bankrupts our employee pension fund.”

When asked by a reporter about the choice of former Whitewater Special Prosecutor Ken Starr to head the investigation, Mr. Duncan became incensed. “Not Ken Starr, you idiot! Ken Starr spent $60 million and couldn’t indict a ham sandwich. The problem was that nobody, including myself, liked talking to the guy. A job like this calls for someone people will open up to. That’s the best way to get reliable information. So I’ve asked someone universally liked, especially by liberal, 1960s flag-burning hippie-types – you know, the kind of people who the Clintons would know and trust, Ringo Starr, if he will take this on.  I assume his touring schedule is clear, and I sincerely hope he’ll accept our invitation to serve the American people in this capacity. I realize, as far as being a legal scholar, he is not as highly regarded as our previous point man, but I’m confident he can get better results out of an investigation.”

In a prepared statement, Ken Starr responded, “I applaud the Republican Party for remaining steadfast in their resolve to maintain a certain level of hate for liberals in general and the Clintons in particular, especially in these trying times when our leadership has clearly demonstrated to the American people what a greedy, pandering bunch of unscrupulous imbeciles we really are. As for me, I am currently very busy representing wealthy homophobic clients in their defense of Proposition 8. When that case is finished, I will be joining the fight against one of the root causes of obesity in the United States: I have accepted the position of lead counsel for a group seeking to ban door-to-door sales of Girl Scout cookies. As far as the Clinton investigation is concerned, I hope Mr. Starr will accept the position he has been offered and I would be more than willing to share any knowledge or insight I may have with him. I have always liked Ringo, and I’m sure I would enjoy any conversation he wishes to have with me.”

A publicist for the former Beatle told Rolling Stone Magazine, “The only investigation Ringo is interested in right now is the one he’s conducting to locate the source of whatever it is these people are smoking.”

Thanks for the Info, Dick!

Fred Thompson Continues ‘Media-oric’ Rise

Radio Next for Former Senator, ‘Law & Order’ Star

Fred Dalton Thompson, the former U.S. Senator and Republican Presidential Candidate who has also starred in movies and television, is making the jump to daytime radio.

Westwood One Radio Networks President Gary Schonfeld, looking as proud as a peacock that had just swallowed a dozen Styrofoam pellets, called Thompson, “a perfect fit for radio,” adding, “His unique set of qualifications will make him a huge hit with both listeners and advertisers.”

The two-hour daily talk show, tentatively titled ‘Midday Siesta with Tio Freddie’ will air live from Noon – 2pm, Monday – Friday beginning March 2nd. It will fill the time slot being vacated by Bill O’Reilly’s wildly popular ‘They’re All a Bunch of Liberal Jerks’, which will sign-off after a successful six-year run on February 27th. According to a statement issued by Westwood One, the show will feature Thompson sharing “his views on politics, topical issues, pop culture and water cooler stories”, as well as guest interviews and listener calls.

“I know this is merely a stepping-stone for Fred, but I hope he’ll stick around for a while,” Mr. Schonfeld told the freelance journalist who was lured to the scheduled press conference by free coffee and donuts, “It’s so obvious that he’s on his way to bigger and better things, we’re just honored that he’s chosen Westwood One as a stop along the way.” The radio executive-turned-groupie continued, “The writing is on the wall. The question isn’t if greater accomplishments await, it’s how soon can we expect them.”

Pueblo, Colorado based media consultant Meegan Toomey, co-founder of Travers & Toomey LLC, concurs. “Just look at Senator Thompson’s body of work in mass media and entertainment,” she explains, “Then, look at the momentum of his career. The man’s gone from Hollywood movies to prime time television and now daytime talk-radio with the momentum of a runaway freight train going downhill. What’s going to stop him? Nothing. I predict within 4-6 years we’ll be talking about Fred Thompson as the biggest thing to hit Vaudeville since the Crash of ‘29.”

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GLOBAL MARKETS REBOUND AS PRESIDENT GOES AGAINST OWN INSTINCTS

Scholars Predict New Era of Unprecedented Peace & Prosperity
Nobel Committee Convenes Emergency Session

Only 7 years, 10 months and 29 days into his presidency, George W. Bush today announced that he has chosen to take a course of action that is contrary to his instincts and his belief in free markets.

While the $17.4 billion ‘bridge-loan’ rescue of GM and Chrysler grabbed domestic headlines, it was the shift in the President’s decision-making policy that dominated global media. The praise of world leaders and scholars alike was universal.

“I am predicting that most of the world’s major crises will be resolved with extraordinary speed and skill,” said David Seward, Distinguished Professor of Contemporary History at Melbourne University. “Just imagine the wonderful world we might be living in today if, from the very first, President Bush had made up his mind about what he thought was best and had then done the opposite.”

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez hailed the policy shift as “The greatest thing to happen to the people, particularly the downtrodden people of the world, in my lifetime. Today, I can forgive Mr. Bush for all the times he tried to see that my lifetime wouldn’t include this historic day. God has shown him the light. There is a new, warm wind blowing on the people of Venezuela and all of South America, and when it’s blowing from our north, I don’t smell the sulphur anymore.” Mr. Chavez then added that he hopes “Mr. Bush will accept my invitation to become the next Commissioner of the LVBP.” [The top professional baseball league in Venezuela] “If he does the opposite for us of what he did for the Texas Rangers, I’m confident that Caracas will soon become known as the Baseball Capital of the World.”

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-il suggested that the Nobel Foundation, which has already awarded its prizes for 2008, create a special award to honor President Bush for his “… outstanding contribution to the philosophy of governance.” Kim, in an announcement broadcast on state-run television, also warned of “…dire consequences for Finland if the Nobel Foundation were to snub Mr. Bush.”

A government spokesman in Helsinki released a statement outlining Finland’s official position that Alfred Nobel was Swedish.

A member of the Nobel selection committee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, indicated that a special award for President Bush might be in the offing. “There is a simplicity and logic that underlies great genius,” they noted, “and when you combine the sublime logic of going against his instincts with his profound level of simplicity, well, let’s just say this is a most historic accomplishment.”

In other news, when asked what action the Administration would consider appropriate in terms of maintaining normalized relations with nuclear power North Korea in light of Condoleeza Rice’s well publicized quote, “Only an idiot would trust North Korea,” the President responded, “At this late date in our Administration, only an idiot would pay any attention to Condi.”

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DB Editorial: Uncomfortable with ‘Gay Crush’ on Rick Warren

O.K. faithful readers and readers ‘of faith’, how about a quick show of hands: If not for the extensive coverage (during an otherwise slow news week) of the disappointment and outrage expressed by Pro-Choice and Gay Rights groups over the President-elect’s choice of Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at next month’s inauguration, how many would even be aware that there was an invocation delivered at Presidential inaugurations, let alone give it a second thought?

[Please put your hands down now - people are going to wonder who the crazy person looking at the computer with a raised arm is...]

First, to get a couple of things out in the open:

1. I am a strong advocate for the separation of church and state. The Holy Roman Empire ended badly, the Church of England has caused more than a bit of a ruckus, and I don’t see a lot of people planning their next vacation in the Islamic Republic of Iran.
2. I also don’t understand why it’s so God-awful important to so many people to have “Thou shalt not kill” and the other nine Commandments, only one of which is actually law, prominently displayed over the heads of judges, particularly in courts where capital cases are heard.
3. I try to limit my adversarial discussions on the abortion issue to Pro-Lifers who have adopted at least one otherwise unwanted child simply because the mother chose not to keep it rather than out of their own desire to be a parent. I always have time and respect for people who put their money where their mouth is whether they agree with me or not.
4. My girlfriend and I are from different religious backgrounds. No church will marry us. We acknowledge and respect this as their right. But I’m still waiting to hear a reasonable, non-faith based argument as to what makes me so special that I have the civil right to marry the person of my choice while other (generally more) responsible adults do not, simply because I am a man and have chosen a woman with questionable judgment.
5. ‘Proposition 8′ is blatantly discriminatory and should, [and I believe will] be overturned by the judiciary. For those who argue that ‘we are a democracy and if the majority support a law their decision should be final’, I remind you of two things: First, the United States is not a democracy, it is a republic. If you don’t believe me, kindly refer to the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’. [Hint: It shows up shortly before ‘God'.] Second, we should be more honest with ourselves. If majority opinion were the rule of law, we probably still wouldn’t have a Black voter, never mind a Black President-elect.

Now that you have a clearer picture of where I’m coming from, let’s get back to this sordid business of the Pastor and the President-elect…

Why is anyone disappointed, shocked or outraged? I heard a leading Gay Rights activist yesterday saying, “…Barack Obama has closed the door on us…” Pro-Choice groups are up in arms because Mr. Warren is an anti-abortion rights advocate.

I hate to say this, my ‘glass-half-empty’ friends, but lighten up. We’re talking about a two-minute invocation, not a Cabinet appointment. It’s time to remind ourselves that we’re not going to be ‘the opposition’ any more. There’s really going to be a President who supports our causes. So what if he has Rick Warren, a conservative pastor, doing the invocation? He has Joseph Lowery, a liberal minister doing the benediction, and Pepper & Rosenberger, a moderate caterer, doing the refreshments. What’s the big deal?

The President-elect, during the transition, has clearly demonstrated that he intends, as promised, to govern from the ‘center out’, not from the ‘left in’. He is not closing his door on his supporters; he is demonstrating that, unlike his predecessors, it is open to his opponents. The ‘new opposition’ is going to be treated the way we always felt we should have been. Isn’t that a refreshing change?

Fair is Fair

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Cheney Earns $50 Million Al Qaeda Bonus

Jihadists Overwhelm Recruitment Centers After Televised Interview

Al Qaeda today announced that United States Vice President Dick Cheney has earned a $50 million bonus as the organization’s top recruiter for calendar year 2008. A spokesman, who described Cheney as “Our Prophet of Marketing” read a congratulatory greeting to the Vice President from none other than Osama bin Laden, which read:

“My dear, special Dick, it is with profound pleasure and gratitude that I present you with this year’s award as our top recruiter for jihad. With brothers as yourself causing young warriors to enlist in our blessed cause faster than even we can blow them up, I know we will one day prove victorious over all of the world’s infidel capitalist dogs. When we began this most holy crusade, pretty much all we had was balls. I am certain there is nothing that can stop us now that we also have such an incredible Dick…”

The spokesman, Baraq Hossein Ubama [no relation. Ed.], added that the Cheney-ABC News interview, in which the Vice President proudly acknowledged that torture (including ‘water-boarding’) was used during prisoner interrogations at Guantanamo Bay with Bush Administration approval, would continue to be broadcast “around the clock in fertile jihad breeding grounds” in Africa, Malaysia, East London, San Diego, and Falls Church, Virginia.

“Now it all makes sense,” proclaimed ABC News President David Westin. “Why else would he insist on doing the interview before the end of the year when we asked him to come in after the end of his term — pretty sharp on his part. It also explains why he would go out of his way to solidify Joe Biden’s claim to the title of “The Tight-Lipped Vice President.”

The subject of torture has been a divisive one even within the Administration. Proponents say it’s not only a productive means of extracting valuable information quickly, but when done correctly can be a fun and humorous way to relieve tension. Experts, on the other hand, claim that information received through torture is often unreliable; going so far as to suggest that people might actually lie to avoid having live electrical wires attached to their genitals.

One example which continues to stir-up controversy is the interrogation and subsequent confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. ‘KSM’ was discussed specifically in the interview, with Cheney saying he found water-boarding to be appropriate in his case, and claiming, “There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source… So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves.”

An anonymous NSA analyst, when reached for comment, responded only by asking, “What results? No more attacks here yet?”

Opponents of torture, however, question the veracity of KSM’s confession, the rambling 27-page document in which the alleged ‘9/11 mastermind’ boasted of his responsibility for a broad range of anti-West terrorist acts. Among the crimes to which al Qaeda’s ‘#2′ confessed were both World Trade Center attacks, the bombing of the USS Cole, the abduction and murder of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the baseball bouncing through Bill Buckner’s legs in the 1986 World Series, and urinating in the reflecting pool between the Capitol building and Washington Monument.

Human rights groups felt some degree of solace, however, when Cheney said that “at no time were detainees forced to watch any post 1985 episodes of Saturday Night Live.” The Vice President added, “We are a civilized nation. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

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BUSH BUYS VACATION HOME IN ‘GREEN ZONE’

Plans to Establish Iraqi Shoe-Shine & Repair Franchise

Citing “the most obvious sign from God about why he put me here since 9/11,” President Bush told a jubilant White House press corps that upon leaving office he intends to spend “a significant amount” of his post-presidency in Iraq.

“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” the unusually serene, almost trance-like leader of the free world continued, “but in those moments when I have stared into the abyss, His messages to me couldn’t have been clearer if He’d had Sinead O’Connor sing them directly into my ear. In this case, every time since the November elections that I’ve asked Dick Cheney for his opinion, he’s answered with, ‘Why don’t you just grab your shine-box and go to f****n’ Baghdad?’ Now, he has just sent a messenger in the form of that courageous young journalist who showed me close-up the Iraqi people’s desperate need for an affordable source of footwear maintenance. I now know my mission, and I intend to make it my life’s work to see that all of the good people of Iraq have access to affordable heel replacements, sole repairs, and of course a shine you can see yourself in. I ask you, what better way to enjoy Western-style freedom than to have really spiffy-looking shoes?”

When asked by a reporter how she feels about the prospect of bartering with Iraqi women over the price of gel insoles, First Lady Laura Bush responded, “Well, anybody who knows my husband the way I do knows just how deeply he cares about people, about freedom, and especially about cobbling. Of course he has my unconditional love and devotion, and my full support for whatever he chooses, at least until February.”

Muntadar al-Zeidi, the journalist whose protest has now had such unforeseen consequences, could not be reached for comment. According to officials in Baghdad, he boarded a plane to an unknown destination, presumably Cairo, shortly after the incident. A source close to the case noted that, “Of course, having no shoes, he flew right through airport security.”

Upon Mr. al-Zeidi’s return and/or extradition to Iraq, a parade is planned in the Sadr City area of Baghdad.

In other news, police in Wasilla, Alaska have charged a local teen with arson in connection with the Friday night blaze at the Wasilla Bible Church, best known as Governor Sarah Palin’s house of worship. The fire caused no injuries, but damage is estimated at nearly $1 million.  Central Mat-Su police reported that the fire was set in the church entrance as a result of mistaken identity. “The kid mistook the church for a private residence that allegedly houses a ‘crystal meth lab’ whose owners had cheated him,” according to a police spokesman, ” Stuff like that happens in Wasilla all the time… No biggie.”

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BAILEY A SUICIDE AFTER FED REJECTS BAILOUT FOR BUILDING & LOAN

Paulson, Bernanke Deflect Criticism

The sudden, tragic end of a banking icon sent shudders through a shocked nation yesterday as the depth of the current mortgage crisis hit home, even to millions who have so far been unaffected.

George Bailey was, for over 60 years, the ‘kind face’ of the mortgage industry. His story inspired three generations following the success of the 1946 Frank Capra movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”, the bio-pic that told the story of Bailey’s early life and his struggle, against seemingly insurmountable odds, to save his beloved Building & Loan during a much more localized lending crisis in the small town where his father had founded the bank when Bailey was a small child.

Bailey in happier times, with wife Mary and daughter Zuzu.

After receiving the news that the Building & Loan would not be allocated any emergency funding from the $700 billion set aside by the Federal government, Mr. Bailey reportedly jumped off of a local bridge into the frigid river below. His lifeless body was discovered some time later, ironically by local sheriff Bert Steward, III whose grandfather, ‘Officer Bert’ Steward (portrayed by Ward Bond in the Capra film) once helped to rescue Bailey from a similar attempt.

“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”

Even before the news of Bailey’s death became known, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson came under heavy fire from all quarters when they announced that there would be no lifeline for the struggling Building & Loan.

“George Bailey was a hero to millions,” an emotional Paulson told reporters upon hearing of the suicide, “And for me, his loss is a particularly personal one. George was also my best imaginary childhood friend. While his presence will be missed, I am comforted by the fact that our friendship will always endure. Of course at a time like this our thoughts and prayers go out to his family and all those who were close to him – especially the ones who are about to lose their homes.”

“Of course I was shocked and saddened to learn the fate of George Bailey,” Bernanke said in a prepared statement, “But it is my duty, even under these most tragic of circumstances, to defend the actions of the Fed. First, I cannot state strongly enough, it was the desire not only of myself but also of everyone involved to find some way to save the Building & Loan. Anyone who has ever met George Bailey would want to help him. That’s not just my opinion, but a fact well documented on film. But the harsh reality of the situation was that the Building & Loan operated in a manner that is no longer viable in today’s culture. As much as I always admired Mr. Bailey, his business practices – by today’s standards – were at best irresponsible, and at worst, criminal. The bank’s records, or more to the point its lack of responsible accounting records is appalling. You just can’t go around making loans based on ‘a handshake’ or ‘the word’ of your friends and neighbors and expect Uncle Sam to bail you out. We’re not anybody’s neighbor and we’re not anybody’s friend — we’re the United States Government.”

Funeral arrangements have not been announced.

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