President Unveils ‘Create-Your-Own’ Tax Cut Plan

House Republicans Propose Putting Obama’s Picture on $100 Bill

President Obama, long at odds with GOP lawmakers over the type and extent of tax cuts to be included in the $800+ billion economic stimulus package, today unveiled a plan which would allow corporations and individual taxpayers to ‘create their own’ individualized tax cut.

Here’s how the plan would work. Wages, salaries, etc. would still be reported as they are now, and W-2 and 1099 form requirements will remain unchanged. “But there are a lot of other lines there,” said the President, “and there are parts of items that we currently require the taxpayer to self report. Under this plan, everyone can choose one item to eliminate. For example, employers will still report wages and salaries, but other income, such as tips, cash bonuses, gifts, etc. can be left off. Or, depending on your situation, you may choose to leave out capital gains, or interest and dividend income, or whatever item best suits you – as I said, there are a lot of lines there. Just indicate above where you sign your form what you’ve cut. So long as the rest is in order, you’ve got one ‘gimme’ compliments of Uncle Sam.”

“This is not a new idea,” the President continued, “And we know it can work. It’s worked for members of my Cabinet as it has for I’m sure many other individuals and business all across the country. What I’m proposing now is that this plan be instituted as policy and available to all.”

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ), who has not only been one of the harshest critics of the proposed stimulus package, but has also questioned the President’s commitment to bipartisanship on Capitol Hill, was among the first to praise the plan.

“I can’t tell you how delighted I am that the President, in this time national crisis, is crossing party lines to help all Americans the same way we in Washington have always helped ourselves,” the smiling Kyl told reporters, “This is change I can believe in.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner not only announced his enthusiastic support for the plan, but also his intention to introduce a bill which would replace the image of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill with that of Barack Obama. “I know Ben Franklin was a great American and had numerous great accomplishments. But this guy’s a f*****g genius,” he said in an interview with Tiger Beat magazine, “I wish I could tell you that many of us in Washington came up with the idea before the President did, but speaking for myself, I cannot say that – at least not until the statute of limitations expires.”

In a related story, an anonymous source at the Internal Revenue Service confirmed reports that an audit is currently underway to determine whether Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner properly reported income that he received when he was moonlighting as Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Tom Daschle’s driver.

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Duncan Ousted as RNC Elects New Chairman

Eleventh Hour Entrant Wins Post

He didn’t even throw his hat into the ring until yesterday. Today, after 4 ballots and a great deal of maneuvering to build a coalition, he is the new chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Events quickly began to unfold on Thursday. After former Tennessee state chairman Chip Saltsman, better known since his holiday season gift gaffe as ‘Chip the Magic Redneck’, withdrew from the race, a once prominent party member suddenly appeared on the scene in a manner almost as mysterious as when he vanished from it years ago. Once seen as too conservative by party moderates and too liberal by conservative hardliners, today, Lex Luthor has been tabbed to bring the GOP back from the abyss as it tries to rebuild after being swept out of power in the 2006 and 2008 general elections.

“What we have is a liberal in the White House who people seem to think is Superman,” a grinning former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters, “Who better to have lead the fight on our behalf than Lex Luthor?”

“Lex Luthor embodies all the principles and values the Republican party has long held so dear,” according to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “I would think there must be a few people on the other side of the aisle, those who believe merely giving lip service to bipartisanship will fly, who would rather eat Kryptonite than try and put that over on Lex come election time.”

“Lex Luthor may be evil, but he’s not stupid. He has a long history of accomplishment,” President Obama told the newest member of the Washington press corps, Fox News White House correspondent Samuel ‘Joe the White House Correspondent’ Wurzelbacher. Apparently reading from an outdated note card, the President continued, “I hope we can work together not as Democrat and Republican, but as Americans to do the country’s work. I anticipate some lively debate when the time comes. But for now, there is only one president at a time.”

Upon accepting the post, Luthor took many by surprise when he immediately proposed a bold departure from traditional Republican mantra. “We have to admit to ourselves that ‘trickle-down’ is a failure. We must move in a different direction. Look at the current disaster. Holding to our longstanding beliefs, we have given all the decision making power at the Federal level to the Democrats. I ask you my friends, here and now, how much of it do you see trickling down to us?”  He then received a thunderous ovation when he optimistically promised Party faithful, “But we shall overcome our defeats. We will once again rule this greatest of republics — and we’ll accomplish our goals by any means necessary!”

In other news…

Both House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Hair Club President Rod Blagojevich were released from hospitals today, and both are apparently doing fine.

Doctors in Illinois reported that all precautionary x-rays taken of Blagojevich after he was struck by approximately 14 of the more than 40 shoes thrown at him by members of the Illinois State Senate after his speech Thursday were negative.

Pelosi was released from Georgetown Medical Center after toxicology tests ordered when she reportedly hugged House Minority Leader John Boehner at a White House cocktail party Wednesday night also proved negative. Doctors report that Pelosi is in excellent health and fine spirits after undergoing what they described as a “routine delousing”.

Blagojevich, After Inking Movie Deal, Will Resign Tomorrow

A source close to embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich confirmed rumors a short time ago that the beleaguered future Hair Club spokesman will announce his resignation on Thursday when he appears before the State Senate at his impeachment trial. The confirmation dispelled the widely held notion that Blagojevich only decided to appear after he realized that cameras have been present and the proceedings are being broadcast on television.

“Rod is making the transition from the small screen to the big screen,” according to his agent, prominent Hollywood attorney C. Stephen Travers, “He has just signed a lucrative contract with Walt Disney Productions and will begin shooting his first film this spring. As he is the type of person who believes in being totally prepared for his every undertaking, he will be spending the next couple of months immersing himself in studies necessary to perform his role to the utmost of his ability. But he wanted to visit the Capitol of his beloved home state one last time to bid the legislature a final ‘f**k you’.”

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but an anonymous Disney source told reporters that the disgraced politician will play the character ‘Blago’, a sociopathic former paramour of Miss Piggy in the upcoming feature ‘The Muppets Go Postal’.

“He’s got the look, he’s got the fur, and from his past career, he’s got experience in both ends of puppetry,” said noted film critic and historian Eileen O’Sullivan, “He’s a great fit for the project. And the Muppets need the ‘edge’ that he brings to the table.”

“I believe Rod has finally found his true calling,” said lawyer-turned-movie star-turned-Senator-turned-TV star-turned-failed Presidential candidate-turned-afternoon-off-hours-can’t-get-ratings-radio call-in show host Fred Thompson, ‘and I think he’ll have the success I might have had if I’d only had hair.”

“The impeachment proceedings will proceed as planned, whether he resigns or not,” an angry John J. Cullerton, the Democratic president of the Illinois State Senate told reporters, “He wants to deny us the sublime pleasure of impeaching his crooked butt, but he’ll get away with it over my dead body. His political carcass is ours.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Senator Cullerton’s Chief of Staff, Meegan Toomey, revealed the reason behind his zeal to convict, “that miserable prick,” telling al Jazeera, “The feeling in the State House is that once he is removed from office, federal prosecutors will not try him on charges that he tried to ‘sell’ President Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. We believe that they will drop the matter entirely, try him on a lesser charge, or let him plead to a lesser charge if he is willing, since they ‘pre-empted’ the actual sale. Nobody wants to risk giving that chinchilla-looking piece of s**t the satisfaction of being acquitted and then forever comparing himself to Job, Jesus, and Jason Giambi for the way he was wrongfully persecuted. Not to mention the disruption to the White House if he were to subpoena Rahm Emmanuel and others to testify just because he can.”

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Posted in Entertainment, Politics, Satire | Tagged: Blagojevich impeachment, Fred Dalton Thompson, Hair Club, John Cullerton, muppets, Rod Blagojevich | 3 Comments »