The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. While Department policy prohibits disclosure regarding details of pending investigations, Paul Katz, an anonymous source familiar with the case confirmed that ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. The three choices given are military coup, armed rebellion, and war for secession. (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)
“It wouldn’t be looked upon so seriously if at least one of the options listed was something like ‘social’ or ‘political’, or as foreign as it may be to the suspect, ‘sexual’,” according to Katz, “But since the only options provided to people who, by virtue of the fact that they follow this guy, I would remind you might charitably be described as ‘unstable’, we must take very seriously that, at best, he may be inciting violence, and at worst, he’s seeking the violent overthrow of the same government with which he had such an obvious infatuation until January 20th.”
“You must always be very careful dealing with someone experiencing feelings of rejection,” said Dr. Newton M. Toomey, a professor of criminology and adolescent psychology at Pueblo State University, “Rejection is the emotion most likely to lead to violent behavior. When dealing with individuals like Mr. Hannity and his disciples you have to take into consideration that not only was the personification of their ideals, and by transference them, so roundly and thoroughly rejected worldwide, but their idol’s replacement is perceived by many as being universally worshiped. They speak of revolution the same way a jilted lover speaks of murder or murder-suicide. This sort of cry for help should never be taken lightly, as these situations so often end tragically.”
No indication has been given as to how long Mr. Hannity will be detained or if any charges have been or are expected to be filed.
In other news:
Colorado State Troopers Nail Rogue Jaywalker
The Colorado State Patrol finally managed to track down 58-year-old fugitive Denver bus driver Jim Moffett. And when they finally got close enough to his bed in the St. Anthony Medical Center where he is being treated for bleeding in the brain, broken bones in his face, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and possible ruptured spleen and liver suffered when he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck just after pushing three people (including two elderly women) out of its path, the Troopers dispensed justice, ticketing the ‘wolf in good Samaritan’s clothing’ for jaywalking. State Senator and noted gay basher and religious fanatic Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) applauded the troopers for their courage and swift action, saying, “Jaywalking is a sin and an abomination and offense to God. This man got what he deserved. The summons is just icing on the cake.”
Hedge Fund Managers Fear Worst is Imminent
Hedge fund managers are bracing for the worst, as reports indicate the Obama Administration is expected to seek the closure of a tax loophole that would result in all of their income actually being taxed as income.
According to Thomas B. Edsall of The Huffington Post:
“The most common arrangement provides that fund managers get a) a fee of 2 percent of the value of the fund, whether it goes up or down – a fee on which they pay ordinary income tax rates of up to 35 percent; and b) 20 percent of the annual profits, on which they pay only a 15-percent capital-gains tax rate.”
With the loophole closed, based on the flimsy logic that because the managers are not risking their own money, their ‘commissions’ should be considered income as opposed to capital gains, a fund manager who increases the value of his investors’ portfolio by $500 million dollars would only get to keep $65 million of that portion of his compensation instead of $85 million.
“I’m afraid people might start jumping out of windows,” said market analyst Ima Dippe-Schitte, “It’s a lot harder to live on $65 million than 85.”
Jindal Top Choice to Deliver 2012 ‘Keynote Address’
DNC officials confirmed this afternoon that they have asked Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal to deliver the keynote address at the 2012 Democratic National Convention. Jindal, a Republican, became an overnight sensation among Democrats after his televised speech Tuesday evening. Originally billed as the ‘GOP response’ to President Obama’s national address, the speech is regarded by political experts to have more closely resembled a Sesame Street audition tape.
“Not since Barry Goldwater in 1964 has anyone made such a strong case to vote Democrat,” according to DNC Chairman Tim Kaine. “Unless he turns out to be their Presidential nominee, I can’t imagine a better way to jump-start our 2012 national campaign than to have a Republican leader like Bobby Jindal deliver our Keynote address.”
Iran Tests First Nuclear Power Plant
Using simulated fuel rods containing lead instead of uranium, Iran today conducted the first tests on its 1000-megawatt, Russian-built nuclear power plant. Western countries have long feared the plant is being used as a cover for Iranian pursuit of nuclear weapons.
“The Americans are long on suspicion and short on memory,” Iran’s President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters, “First of all, how do people expect us to provide power for our citizens in the long term? Second, anyone who can remember as far back as 1986 surely knows that the only serious threat posed by a Russian-built nuclear facility is to the population of the local and surrounding areas.”
GOP Reprimands Colorado State Senator
Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) was reprimanded by party officials today for comments he made on the floor of the State Senate regarding adultery. After ProgressNowColorado.org posted a video of Renfroe’s remarks during a floor debate over legislation that would grant same-sex spouses of state employees access to benefits, Party reaction was swift and severe. According to a Party spokesman, “While we of course support Senator Renfroe’s views equating homosexuals with murderers, he crossed the line when he said that we don’t have laws making adultery legal. We want to make it clear that our party has always supported adultery and long-championed many prominent adulterers. Senator Renfroe’s comments regarding adultery are inexcusable and will not be tolerated. We apologize to any heterosexual adulterers whom he may have offended.”
House Passes Resolution With Bipartisan Support
In what House Minority Leader John Boehner describes as “proof that the Democrats are falsely accusing us of playing partisan politics when it comes to the important issues facing our country,” the House overwhelmingly passed, by voice vote, ‘H.Res.18′, introduced on January 6 by the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. The resolution, “Honors the life and accomplishments of Paul Newman for his many contributions to American film, theater, and philanthropy.”
Global Warming Monitor Causes Ecological Disaster
A $278 million NASA satellite designed to monitor global carbon dioxide levels failed to reach orbit after lifting off from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California this morning, crashing into the ocean near Antarcica. The crash reportedly set adrift a large chunk of polar ice and released countless chemicals and toxins into the previously pristine local environment.
GOP Senators Bash ‘Liberal Media’
Telling reporters, “Anyone who knows what a supply and demand curve looks like can see they’re lying to us,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of the Republican caucus, challenged the veracity of what he called the “Obama worshipping media” for publishing what he called, “an economically impossible scenario”. The statement was in response to reports released this morning showing that home prices are falling at the same time homelessness is rising.
Rove Charged With Contempt of Congress
Saying, “As long as it’s still open, Guantanamo might be an appropriate place for him,” House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers today sent a ‘resolution of contempt’ to the floor of the House following former Bush Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove’s failure to answer the Committee’s subpoena to testify under oath about his role in the firing of U.S. attorneys and prosecution of the former Democratic governor of Alabama.
House Republicans to Boycott Obama Address
Citing security measures he described as “discriminatory profiling of the worst kind,” House Minority Leader John Boehner called on Congressional Republicans to boycott tonight’s joint-session Presidential address. The Secret Service reportedly will require GOP Congressmen, none of whom voted for either the House or final version of the Economic Recovery Act, to remove their shoes before entering the chamber.
AIG Requests More Bailout Assistance
The struggling financial giant, which is expected to report a quarterly loss as high as $60 billion this week, is asking for government loan guarantees to assist its launch into what company executives believe will provide a solid foundation for its recovery – expansion into the lucrative market of insuring Chinese agricultural and food exports.
Pope Snubs Colbert
Citing “experience and qualifications,” Pope Benedict XVI today named Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, who in the last seven years has led the archdiocese of Milwaukee to two Final Four appearances, to succeed Cardinal Edward M. Egan as Archbishop of New York. Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central’s ‘Colbert Report’, who in recent weeks had emerged as the front runner among Vatican watchers, was gracious in defeat. “Tim Dolan is fine Catholic who has a history of producing results – the guy’s a winner,” Colbert told Commonweal Magazine, “Until an appropriate opening becomes available, I’ll continue my pursuit of the Emmy for ‘Best Performance in a Variety or Music Program’ as well as a non-celibate lifestyle.”
Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain
Binyam Mohamed, who alleged he was tortured by U.S. interrogators during the 18 months he was detained in Morocco prior to being transferred to Guantanamo Bay, was finally released four months after all charges against him were dropped. “There was a lot of paperwork involved,” according to a Pentagon spokesman explaining the delay in Mohamed’s release, “We also needed time for our people to coerce his confession that he lied about having been tortured.”
Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors
A corporate spokesman denied rumors the software giant plans an expansion into the banking industry. Rumors began circulating after Microsoft sent letters to laid-off employees requesting that they return amounts “overpaid” to them in their severance packages due to “an inadvertent administrative error”. “Just because we gave too much money to unemployed people and act surprised they’re not giving it back doesn’t make us a bank,” the spokesman insisted.
‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced
Less than 24 hours after his film won eight Oscars including Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire Director Danny Boyle announced plans for a sequel, to be set in the United States. “We’re developing a script now, and expect to begin shooting in 12-18 months,” Boyle told a genuflecting Ryan Seacrest. “By then, pretty much any American city should do for a proper setting.”
Hoffa, War Loot, Missing Records Among Contents of Swiss Vaults
A little known clause in the agreement reached Tuesday between Swiss banking giant UBS and U.S. prosecutors is already “yielding a treasure trove of unexpected information,” according to a Justice Department source.
The provision, which calls for UBS to provide an inventory of items from American-rented ‘orphan boxes’ – safe deposit boxes that have either been abandoned or the rightful owners of their contents cannot be located – was intended to provide possible additional revenue from assets that have long been hidden overseas to evade American taxes. Instead, it has opened a virtual Pandora’s box of scandal and intrigue.
“The days of making something ‘disappear’ by putting it in a Swiss bank are over,” said Larry D. Mapp, a senior Justice Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “From now on, criminals are going to have to go back to keeping two sets of books or dumping in the oceans, where things might one day be found.”
Mr. Mapp added that the government “will soon be in possession of property and evidence that will go a long way toward closing many old cases at the same time as opening up many new ones.”
The extensive inventory lists a broad range of items, such as:
Many boxes purported to contain cremated human remains, including one labeled ‘J. Hoffa’
A leather wallet containing a ticket to a Broadway play dated August 6, 1930 and identification with the name ‘Joseph F. Crater’
The second .22 caliber revolver used in the Robert F. Kennedy assassination
A box containing Lee Harvey Oswald’s CIA personnel file, an audio recording labeled “D. Kilgallen/J. Ruby, Nov. 1965″, and a bullet damaged almost beyond recognition.
A jar containing a preserved human heart, labeled ‘If found, please return to Richard B. Cheney’
Various artwork and artifacts reported missing from museums and private collections after World War II
A home dialysis kit from a box registered to “Project for the New American Century” with a label reading: “To be picked up by O. bin Laden”
$173,840 in American currency from a box registered in December 1971 under the name ‘Dan Cooper’
Blood stained clothing from a box registered in 1994 as ‘In Trust For: Orenthal Simpson’
Mr. Mapp told reporters he expects that he and his staff “will be quite busy for some time to come.”
Baseball super-agent Scott Boras, known in sports media circles as ‘The Great Upstager’, lived up to his reputation today, but this time it was not his own doing. While former Boras client Alex Rodriguez was conducting the most anticipated press conference in years, answering questions about his anonymous, positive test result for a banned substance six seasons ago, White House sources revealed to the remaining available reporter that Boras has emerged as the frontrunner in the Obama Administration’s search for the next Commerce Secretary. The revelation dispelled earlier rumors that newly former Japanese Finance Minister Shōichi Nakagawa would receive the nomination as soon as he sobers up.
According to Paul Katz, an Obama team member familiar with the vetting process, Nakagawa did receive some consideration until the final stage of the vetting process, when a check of Wikipedia turned up the fact that, “in April 2004, it was revealed that he had not been paying into the national pension plan for 21 years.”
“While that, of course, was a disqualifying factor, we did feel a little vindicated about the Geithner thing,” Katz explained, adding that an additional problem was the fact that women’s rights groups may have sought to block the nomination after learning that the Gekkeikan guzzling politician and Japanese cabinet member was once quoted as saying, “Women have their proper place: they should be womanly…They have their own abilities and these should be fully exercised, for example in flower arranging, sewing, or cooking. It’s not a matter of good or bad, but we need to accept reality that men and women are genetically different”.
“Broads get pissed off at comments like that,” Katz observed.
Tony Vita, a member of the vetting committee who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Nakagawa’s name was only floated publicly to resolve a wager between two staffers who, “bet on how long it would take (CNN host and radio personality) Lou Dobbs to publicly demand the construction of a wall along the border between the United States and Japan ‘in order to preserve American jobs and security’.” (Unofficially, it took 1 minute and 43 seconds.)
“Scott Boras is a great choice,” according to Professor Phyllis Thomas of the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce. “He has a reputation as a fierce negotiator, and he has a great motivation to succeed when you consider how large a percentage of the nation’s commerce he and his clients already control. Most importantly, I have it on good authority that the man has actually paid all of his taxes.”
For his part, Boras was playing it cool. “Of course it’s an honor to discover I’m even considered a candidate,’ the coy piranha told The Sporting News. “But a decision like this is not one to be made without careful deliberation. I want to take a couple of days to think about it and discuss it with my family. I’ll make my official announcement Sunday night during the Academy Awards.”
GOP Lawmakers Added to Endangered Species List
President Obama today signed an Executive Order adding GOP Lawmakers to the list of endangered species after last night’s vote on the Economic Recovery Plan revealed that only three Republicans remain in Washington who are actually making laws.
Search for Commerce Secretary Continues
The list of possible candidates narrowed yesterday after New York Governor David Paterson requested that Caroline Kennedy’s name be withdrawn from consideration.
National Peanut Corp. Files Chapter 7
After Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner refused to consider their request for government assistance in dealing with their toxic assets, company president Stewart ‘The Fifth’ Parnell declared that the company is now financially, as well as morally, bankrupt.
Phelps Apology Tour Continues
After Friday’s apology to the people of China, the Olympic champion today apologized to commercial marijuana growers, saying, “I made a serious error in judgment smoking ‘homegrown’ provided by the friend who photographed me smoking it. For that, I am truly sorry.”
Mascot Tests Positive for Growth Hormone
Lawyers for the San Diego Chicken are challenging the results of tests showing the presence of CGH (Chicken Growth Hormone) in his system, arguing that more than 90% of poultry in the United States is, “born that way”.
‘Farewell Address’ Indicates Possible Link to Widening Scandal
The lifeless remains of Mr. Peanut, the beloved icon and longtime face of Planters Corporation and, to many, all nuts, were found this afternoon at his Georgia estate. He was 87.
Authorities have ruled the death a suicide. A video, apparently recorded last night in his private office, was found next to the body. The Medical Examiner’s office released a statement saying that preliminary indications suggest the cause of death was ‘Peappuku’, a traditional, very painful Japanese form of ritual suicide where the nut, in essence, shells itself.
Friends and family alike, although noticing recent changes in his behavior, were shocked and saddened by the news, particularly when it was revealed that his taped message contained vague language which might indicate that he was somehow involved in the widening ‘Peanut-gate’ scandal. (A transcript of his recorded message appears below.)
“He hadn’t been himself lately,” according to his publicist, M. Eileen O’Sullivan. “He kept referring to the salmonella outbreak and muttering to himself about ‘those poor people’ and his name being ‘dragged through the mud’ and asking himself ‘what’s the right thing to do?’. Looking back, his demeanor had become increasingly salty, but I never expected something like this.”
Mr. Peanut is survived by his long-time companion, the Oscar Meyer Weiner. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. In lieu of flowers, relatives had requested that donations be made to the George Washington Carver Center.
Transcript of Mr. Peanut’s ‘Farewell Address’:
Good evening.
This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of peanuts. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the peanut industry.
In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for Planters and all peanuts. Throughout the long and difficult period of Peanutgate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which they entrusted me.
In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough base in the peanut community to justify continuing that effort… With the disappearance of that base, I now believe that there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.
I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of peanuts must always come before any personal considerations.
I have never been a quitter. To leave this world before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Mr. Peanut, I must put the interest of all peanuts first. America needs a full-time Peanut Ambassador and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad.
To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity at home.
Therefore, I shall end my life effective at noon tomorrow. Stewart Parnell of the Peanut Corp. of America will be sworn in at that hour in this office, and take the Fifth.
Prompted by a report from Media Matters for America suggesting that Fox News represented a release from the Senate Republican Communications Center as its own research, Fox News and GOP officials confirmed today that they have agreed to terms on a merger. Fox’s ‘research’ in question mirrored the release posted today in the section of the GOP website with the astonishingly outdated title “The Leader Board” down to a typographical error.
“We were hoping to withhold announcing the deal until after we’ve cleared a couple of regulatory hurdles,” said a red-faced Fox News CEO and Chairman Roger Ailes. “With the liberal elite now controlling Washington almost to the extent they control the rest of the media, we didn’t want the whole thing to be sabotaged by a bunch of overblown, cry-baby socialist ‘equal-time’ and ‘fair and unbiased’ sorts of questions before we even had a chance to state our case behind closed doors. Thanks to the communist supported ‘ethics in journalism police’ I guess we can kiss that goodbye now.” He then added that he believes government regulators will eventually approve the deal because, “the relevant agencies still have enough holdovers from the Rove/Cheney/Bush administration”.
“This is a deal that makes sense,” according to New York based political media analyst Tony Vita. “While we shouldn’t expect to see any perceptible change in Fox’s coverage of social, religious, or political issues, both sides have a lot to gain by officially joining forces. The Republican Party will acquire a significant number of shares in Fox News parent company, giving them much needed financial clout going into a new election cycle. And by becoming a full-fledged partner, Fox News now not only puts to rest accusations that they only exist to ‘carry the GOP’s water’, but also acquire a vested interest in a significant number of elected offices nationwide.”
Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News The O’Reilly Factor, refused to comment about rumors that as part of the deal he will replace the recently elected Michael Steele as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. O’Reilly, who media analysts have dubbed ‘the Norm Coleman of talk radio’ due to the fact that his afternoon ‘call-in’ time slot will be taken over by entertainment personality and forcibly retired politician Fred Thompson, sought refuge in a studio lavatory. His strategy apparently backfired, however, when he inadvertently revealed that besides the fact that all news research as well as some writing are now provided by the Party, other elements of the merger have apparently already been put into place. Shortly after yelling, “I have a right to privacy, you f*****g paparazzi,” he threw several men’s room items at reporters, striking one with what was later discovered to be official GOP-issued ‘Constitution’ toilet paper.
Conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh could hardly contain his enthusiasm when learning that O’Reilly would be taking over Steele’s post. In a moment reminiscent of his thoughtful and sensitive commentary regarding Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, the hefty pill-popper showed his disdain for the former Maryland Lieutenant Governor’s election by screaming as if in the throes of withdrawal, “it was entirely about race!”
Conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh, responding to criticism by many of his faithful listeners that he hasn’t been harsh enough in his criticism of President Obama and the new administration, today unveiled his plan to ensure that the office of President will be truly bipartisan.
Reiterating the theme of his “54-46″ proposed spending allocation for the economic stimulus package, Limbaugh today challenged President Obama to “put up or shut up” on his pledge of bringing true bipartisanship to Washington by allocating the office of the Presidency itself according to the popular vote from the November election.
“I call on the President to make good on his pledge of changing the culture of Washington politics while at the same time enabling him to show his true socialist colors. It’s time we spread the political wealth around, so to speak, and to do it in a way that is true to the great democracy our government is,” a defiant Limbaugh told a large group of supporters gathered for a charity breakfast and cross-burning. “The solution, the only fair and truly bipartisan answer to this problem is to do the will of the people, on a percentage basis of course. I am calling on the President to yield the office to his Republican opponent even less, actually, than would be proportional to the popular vote. I challenge you here and now, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama, to allow Senator John McCain to serve as our President on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Common sense says this is the fair thing to do. The other four days are all yours. After all, you won, and to the victor go the spoils.”
Following the profanity-laced tirade which is automatically triggered every time he hears the words ‘Rush’ or Limbaugh’, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel responded to questions about the proposal by repeating the same profanity-laced tirade.
“Now I know it was Rush who I overheard saying ‘…and to the democracy for which it stands’ during the Pledge of Allegiance,” said a chuckling White House Counsel and Inaugural Ball disc jockey David Swirsky. “As far as Mr. Limbaugh’s proposal is concerned, it has always been, and I believe forever will be, the position of this administration that the United States has only one President at a time.”
In other news:
A Vatican source today confirmed that former President George W. Bush’s request for an ‘indulgence’, a recently resurgent traditional Church practice that allows for “the taking away of temporal punishment due to sin” according to brochures published by the Vatican Tourist Board, has been denied. “His Holiness regrets that President Bush has fallen short of qualifying for an indulgence in three important areas,” according to spokesperson and religious scholar Meegan Toomey, “Much to the dismay of His Holiness and countless others, he has not demonstrated that he has performed any charitable acts nor confessed and repented his sins. And besides, he’s Methodist.”
Meg Whitman announced that she has formed an exploratory committee as the first step in an anticipated run for the Governor’s office in California’s 2010 election. The former eBay CEO’s only other foray into politics ended abruptly when eBay canceled all bidding on customer “IllGuv2003’s” item #304793218776542587: “Vacant Senate Seat”.
