Government Should Put Onus on AIG Bonus Execs

Editorial

I doubt I’ll offend too many by comparing AIG financial services executives expecting to cash huge bonus checks at taxpayers’ expense to racketeers. While it’s probable that the law is on their side, when it comes to scruples I can’t think of a better analogy. So after hearing a week of posturing by politicians and pontificating by talking heads (and politicians) I can no longer resist the urge to put in my two cents’ (or is it billions’) worth.

The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the wolves in designer clothing closely examined the rules and then figured out the best way to exploit the game. Add to that the fact that the government, ostensibly due to legal concerns, conveniently provided the same players with a loophole large enough to drive a Brinks truck through and we find ourselves in the midst of a $165 million scandal that has consumed the public consciousness to the point that two wars, the rest of the global economic meltdown, and the wacko with eight newborns have all but faded from view.

Fine. But now how do we deal with these bastards?

The answer is actually quite simple, and ironically, it’s something that property/casualty insurance companies (though not necessarily AIG) have been doing for years to avoid paying off on losing bets. Exploit the system.

Thanks to tight regulatory controls, whole life insurance has long been and remains one of the great financial safe havens. And let’s face it, dead is dead — there’s not a lot of gray area for lawyers to argue over. Other contracts, however, usually provide room for debate. Just ask any of the Hurricane Katrina victims whose insurance carriers denied their claims arguing that damage caused by the storm surge was ‘flood damage’ (not covered) as opposed to ‘windstorm damage’ (covered) to avoid paying an unprecedented and potentially devastating number of claims. It was a calculated gamble. Any actuary (most of whom are employed by insurance companies) will tell you that only a certain percentage of claimants will have the will or the means to fight for their rights in court.

This is where the racketeer analogy can and should be exploited. There is only one thing that most racketeers value more than money, and that’s anonymity. The fact that only three names of AIG bonus recipients have been made public shows us that the racketeer mindset exists. The piranhas fear becoming pariahs. So why not tell them that their claim to the bonus money is invalid and if they want to collect, they’ll have to sue? They’ll have to emerge from the comfort of the shadows, expose themselves to light of day, and explain to a judge and jury, on the public record, why they deserve to collect. Let’s face it, anyone who’s gotten to the to the level of seven figure bonuses has probably already made quite a bit of money and has the means to sue. But how many of these anonymous shadow dwellers have the will?

And for those who do, assuming the law is on their side and it winds up costing the taxpayers just as much or maybe even a little bit more than the current $165 million, at least we’ve sent a loud and clear message that the old game is over, the rules are changing, and the culture must change with them.

At least that would be an investment, not a handout.

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Alberto Gonzales Named Attorney General of Sudan

Other Bush Officials May Follow AG ‘From Cartoon to Khartoum’

President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan announced that Alberto Gonzales has accepted his offer to become Sudan’s next Attorney General as well as a Presidential Special Counsel.

“In spite of the fact that he was employed by an infidel, imperialist regime that sought to colonize us, I am most pleased that Mr. Gonzales has accepted this most crucial position in our government,” Mr. Bashir told a captive audience of freelance journalists Friday afternoon, “He shares the values and priorities of this administration, and is an innovative thinker and noted scholar on the legal, moral, and social issues Sudan now faces.”

“I never dreamed I’d be voluntarily leaving my beloved homeland,” a choked-up Gonzales told a fidgety Career Day gathering of 5th graders at Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna Elementary School in San Antonio, “But the decision was made easier after talking to senior Sudan justice officials and learning that everyone there easily passes what I like to call ‘the Bush test’. From day one I’ll have a great, loyal crew working on the county’s business. I won’t need to fire anybody. Additionally, I have also been assured of a direct flight from the United States.”

“The direct flight, believe it or not, could have been a deal breaker,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “Sudan may be the only country where Mr. Gonzales would not have to worry about being either tried or extradited to face trial for war crimes. This is what you’d call a ‘great career move’ for him.”

“It’s also a logical move for Bashir,” human rights expert Bridget Duncan told the Los Angeles Times, “In legal circles, Alberto Gonzales is considered the modern-day father of both Civil Rights Nullification and Atrocities Justification, a rare combination which fits the needs of Sudan’s present government perfectly.”

In a related story, it is also anticipated that Bashir will soon announce the hiring of another former Bush administration official, former FEMA director Michael D. Brown. If he accepts the newly created cabinet-level position, Brown will be responsible for coordinating Darfur relief efforts in place of the 13 international aid agencies Bashir expelled from the country in retaliation for Wednesday’s war crimes indictment issued against him by International Criminal Court in The Hague.

In Other News:

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he will not accept the $438 million of additional aid pledged by the Obama Administration for Katrina reconstruction, saying, “In the first place, it’s too late. The government failed us once already, and I’m not going to give them a chance to do it again. And second, no word pisses off Louisiana Republicans more than ‘reconstruction’.”

Bring home the bacon...

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

News in Brief: March 3, 2009

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery
After American doctors refused to perform what they consider ‘unnecessary elective surgery’, conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh traveled to Canada today, where physicians report he is resting comfortably after a 54-minute operation. During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Mr. Limbaugh’s insurance company declined coverage after two medical opinions both concluded that with 44 months remaining until the next Presidential election, performing the surgery now would provide only temporary relief at best.

Fatah, Hamas Reach Accord on ‘Two State’ Solution
In a stunning development, officials representing rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah took only twelve minutes to hammer out an agreement on a ‘two state’ solution for disputed lands. Under their agreement, Fatah would control what are now defined as the ‘occupied territories’ on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. In return, Fatah would recognize Hamas as the legitimate government of all the territory currently referred to as ‘Israel’. Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was muted in her response, saying that while she has “serious reservations about the plausibility of this scenario,” she nonetheless appreciates, “this historic moment when two of the three major players finally agreed on something.”

Surprise Ruling in C.I.A. Interrogation Tapes Lawsuit
The federal judge presiding over the ACLU’s Freedom of Information Act suit today ordered C.I.A. interrogators to “re-enact to the best of their recollection, and based on their expertise and experience – and on each other, not detainees,” the interrogations of terror suspects that appeared on the 92 video tapes destroyed by the agency in 2005. C.I.A. attorneys are expected to appeal the ruling.

Commerce Department Overhauls Terminology
After the three largest automakers all reported February sales at least 40% below the same period one year ago, the Commerce Department announced changes to its reporting terminology that it claims will “better represent the reality of current economic times as well as produce numbers more likely to build consumer confidence.” Beginning next month, used car sales will be eliminated from the automotive sector report, and instead be incorporated into the statistics for ‘sales of existing homes’.

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