Obama Blamed for Swine Flu Outbreak

GOP Accuses President of ‘Twisted Health Care Stunt’

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his health care plan. While most stopped short of accusing him of intentionally contracting the potentially fatal illness, they nonetheless lambasted the President, characterizing the Administration’s swift, authoritative, and comprehensive response to the potential crisis as “a twisted political stunt”.

Rush Limbaugh, the ironically porcine and heavily medicated conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon, instructed his radio audience as well as the rest of the GOP, “Don’t let him get away with it! If everybody within the sound of my voice covered their mouths and noses with a white cloth – no, better yet, protect yourselves – dress entirely in white sheets, that’s it – white sheets, and take to the streets in a massive grass roots demonstration to let these infected D.C. liberals know that your children will only die socialist over your dead, influenza-ravaged corpse. Vaccines and flu shots belong to the majority of Americans with health insurance — after all, this is a democracy.   And don’t forget to bring tea. My mom always said with honey and lemon — it’ll suppress the cough enough to let those commie fascists hear your righteous outrage!”

Elsewhere, reaction from the ‘loyal opposition’ was more muted, if not less severe.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, relaxing during a brief respite from his ‘Spread a Little Sunshine’ interview tour, said he doesn’t believe the President would intentionally infect the American population with a potentially deadly virus, “… a fact which only makes us appear weak in the eyes of our enemies and threatens the safety of every American,” the Cree-P VP told reporters, adding, “and if he had allowed waterboarding to continue, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would probably have already confessed to masterminding an al Qaeda flu-plot and this whole situation may have been averted.”

Alabama Congressman Spencer Bachus blasted what he called a socialist plot to force universal health coverage down the already sore throats of frightened, flu-ridden voters, adding that he has compiled a list of seventeen members of the House of Representatives who have secretly received flu-shots since the President’s meeting with Mexican President Calderon.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) who under the tutelage of Karl Rove led the GOP’s successful fight to remove $870 million for ‘pandemic prevention’ from the Economic Stimulus Bill defended her position, saying only, “If I’d known ‘Typhoid Barry’ was going to travel to so many potentially infected areas outside of Washington, maybe I’d have done things differently, but nobody could have foreseen a major flu outbreak.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner issued only a brief statement through his office, which read: “It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

In other news:

White House military office director Louis Caldera apologized to New York City residents who were understandably disturbed when one of the 747s used by the President flew alarmingly low over the Statue of Liberty and the lower Manhattan area devastated by the 9/11 attacks for approximately 30 minutes this morning, in what was apparently nothing more than an Air Force photo-op.

“I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused,” he said, adding, “Normally we’d just use computer simulation, but our video game guy was off today.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who initially expressed outrage over the flight, accepted the White House apology, telling reporters, “There’s a lot more political mileage in this flu-scare thing.”

Cheney Calls for Probe of McCain, POWs

Former Vice President Dick Cheney stunned even some of his most ardent supporters this morning when he called for an investigation of Senator John McCain and other former prisoners of war.

In an interview on Fox News’ ‘Happening Now’, Cheney, appearing via satellite from his wartime residence known to the public as ‘An Undisclosed Location’, cited what he referred to as “the now-confirmed effectiveness” of harsh interrogation techniques “in obtaining reliable, actionable intelligence”.

“Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war,” the man affectionately called ‘Friendly-Fire’ by his hunting buddies told a visibly stunned Jon Scott, “And since putting all the cards on the table seems to be the flavor of the day, I say let’s get them in, put them under oath, and find out what they told our enemies, even if we have to break out the thumbscrews to do it.”

When asked why he chose to single out Senator McCain, a staunch ally of his administration and someone regarded as a national hero by Democrats and Republicans alike, the former Vice President, whose greatest disappointment ironically came when his fifth military deferment left him without sufficient time to serve in the Viet Nam War, responded with a terse, “Because Wainright is dead,” a reference to Medal of Honor recipient Gen. Jonathan Wainright, who survived more than three years in Japanese POW camps during World War II. “Look, we have no way of knowing how much damage has been done, and for all we know is still being done,”  the ‘Cree-P VP’ continued, “Haven’t you ever heard of MK-Ultra or seen The Manchurian Candidate?”

In what is believed to be an historic first, conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh quoted, albeit with only a minimal degree of accuracy, an article from the New York Times in his vociferous defense of McCain and other American POWs. “Torture methods used by Communists in the Korean War… wrung false confessions from Americans,” the porcine pill-popper bellowed in a critical tone normally reserved for legislation designed to help the poor, “So you see, it’s right there in black and white. These methods do not work on Americans.”

While response from Capitol Hill lawmakers on both sides of the aisle generally ranged from, “He must have been drinking” to “Somebody’s still putting that guy on the air?” — some suggested that Cheney’s concerns might bear closer scrutiny.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters, “While Senator McCain has my full support and confidence, I have suggested to his office that he might want to stay away from Intelligence Committee meetings until this thing blows over.”

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-AL) refused to either confirm or deny that McCain’s name appears on his secret list of socialists on Capitol Hill, saying only, “I’m confident that in due course we will rid our government of the Red Menace once and for all.”

Finally, House Minority Leader John Boehner’s (R-OH) office released the following statement:  “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

Now Available

Polls Show Support for Texas Secession

Ever since Texas Governor Rick Perry sank his teeth into an otherwise routine conservative tea bagging of President Obama and his administration by suggesting that his state could possibly secede from the Union, pundits and rebel-rousers across the country have taken the balls and run with them.

And polls show the country is listening.

While 31% of Texans believe that the former republic has the right to secede, 75% polled would vote to remain in the Union. (RasmussenReports.com)

But polls in the other 49 states show overwhelming support for a new Texas Republic. Nearly two-thirds of adults nationwide who realize that the U.S. would lose roughly half of its current border with Mexico are willing to say ‘adios’ to the Lone Star State. And nearly 90% of registered democrats told pollsters that paying import tariffs on Dr. Pepper and Frito-Lay products would be a small price to pay to rid the United States of Texas residents Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. The poll also revealed that nearly half of U.S. residents nationwide, including 64% of Texans, have always considered the home of Six Flags, 7-Eleven, and eighth grade athlete red-shirting a separate country, at least in spirit if not in fact.

“Secession is the only viable option for Texas,” according to secession movement organizer Junior Toggles, III, “We have the resources, we have the firepower, and we have an education system that’s the envy of almost every country to our south. (www.amren.com)  We are proud of our heritage, and won’t stand for the Islamic socialist fascism the TV says is coming from Washington.”

Alaska first-husband and champion snow machine racer Todd Palin, himself a former member of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party, expressed his support for southern counterparts. “An independent Texas is better prepared to deal with international issues than Washington is. You can see Mexico from there you know.” Palin also added that an independent Texas would be an “obviously natural ally” for an independent Alaska, noting, “We’d practically have them surrounded.”

‘Manopausal’ Fox News personality Glenn Beck, a supporter of the secessionist movement,  is even taking time away from his paid journalism internship to take up the cause, announcing to his Friday cable audience that he is temporarily shelving plans for a Sunday morning show ‘The Sniveling Hardliner’ to dedicate more of his efforts to his new Political Action Committee ‘Patriotic Americans for Secession’. An unabashedly weeping Beck told his audience, “I’m sorry, I can’t help it. As much as l love my country, I love good barbecue and dressing up in cowboy outfits even more.”

In a related story, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, appearing on ‘This Week with George Stephanopoulos’, defended the President’s acceptance of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’ invitation to join his monthly reading club. “President Chavez is making strong, concrete overtures demonstrating that he wants better relations with the United States,” Emanuel explained, “And when you look at developing events, such as the f****rs on Capitol Hill dragging their feet on an energy program, the c**k-s****rs in Alaska talking secession, and now a bunch of mother-f*****s in Texas suddenly joining in, you have to realize that we’re going to need an ally in this hemisphere with an abundant supply of oil.”

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Organizers Needed for ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’

Must Understand Difference Between ‘Protesting’ and ‘Tea-Bagging’

A ‘Please-Steal-This-Idea’ Call to Action from TheDesperateBlogger.com

To Anyone Tiring of FOX-News:

1. Claiming to be “Fair and Balanced”
2. Promoting events supporting their agenda instead of merely reporting on them
3. Involving themselves in the political process instead of merely reporting on it
4. Representing GOP materials as their own research (http://mediamatters.org/items/200902100019)
5. Lying to support “fair and balanced” claim (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/13/foxs-cavuto-claims-networ_n_186156.html)
6. Representing themselves as ‘patriotic’ under Republican administration, then advocating violent overthrow of Obama administration (a.k.a. ‘treason’) (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

The time has come for a response they can understand! (i.e. numbers, not words)

While ‘Tea-Bagging’ is still against the law in many places, exercising freedom of speech in a good old-fashioned protest is not. And since the ‘Un-Silent Minority’ doesn’t seem to understand what any of these terms actually means, it is incumbent upon their fellow citizens to teach them – well at least the ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘good old-fashioned protest’ parts.

I encourage anyone reading this to take it and run with it. (ADHD has rendered me a disorganized mess…)

This country is in desperate need of Anti-FOX-News/Pro-Obama Agenda ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’ with turnouts that overwhelm the attendance numbers of the Fox-promoted Tea-Bagging sideshows.

They may not understand the Constitution, but they understand numbers. It is time they be shown that blatant hypocrisy and total disregard for integrity have no place in the ‘News’ business.

ASU Halts Recognition of MLK Holiday

Arizona State University President Michael M. Crow, still basking in the glory of his school’s biggest public relations coup since the Sun-Devil basketball program’s 1994 point-shaving scandal, today announced that the University will no longer officially observe Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

“This should in no way be construed as a lack of respect for Reverend King,” Crow told reporters, noting that the 1964 Nobel Peace Prize recipient, “was only 39 years old when his life was tragically cut short,” and then explaining, “Thus, in the opinion of our Board of Governors, his main body of work was still ahead of him. To bestow an honor such as closing the school for a day every year would not be appropriate.”

The announcement came only one day after the university made public its controversial decision not to bestow an honorary degree upon President Obama when he delivers their Commencement address next month, ironically defending their position using the same rationale. A decision on the school’s continued recognition of Christmas Day is not expected until shortly before the fall semester course schedule is released, but based on recent events, Crow said he would advise students and faculty to, “get their shopping done by the middle of August”.

Past speakers who did receive honorary doctorates but could not be reached for comment include Frank Borman (1969), who, at age 41, received his just six months after commanding NASA’s Apollo 8 mission and six years before becoming CEO of the now defunct Eastern Airlines, and Kim Campbell (2005), who in 1993 became the first female Prime Minister of Canada, holding that office for 132 days, which, as Mr. Crow pointed out, “is a record for female Canadian Prime Ministers that still stands to this day”.

Crow, who has been the target of a national firestorm of criticism over the university’s Presidential snub, did however receive a strong gesture of support from a group of Trustees who today unveiled a t-shirt (pictured below) expressing solidarity with their embattled leader which they are encouraging fellow supporters from the University community to wear while attending President Obama’s speech.

Available at The Desperate Blogger Superstore

In a related story, students at Notre Dame University staged a noontime rally protesting the school’s invitation to President Obama to deliver their Commencement address. The students find Obama’s appearance inappropriate for the Jesuit university because of his pro-choice stance on abortion as well as his support of embryonic stem-cell research. They do, however, support his efforts to kill suspected terrorists. University President, Rev. John I. Jenkins, downplayed the controversy, telling reporters, “Our students are a community comprised of very active, vibrant young adults. Any distraction from the abstinence thing is a welcome one.”