Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem with everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

A Desperate Blogger Superstore Exclusive

Manny Ramirez is ‘Octomom’ Surrogate

Embattled baseball superstar Manny Ramirez stunned a Los Angeles press conference today when he “came clean” about the presence in his system of human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced by embryos during pregnancy.

“I’m carrying my friend Nadia’s next litter,” he told a visibly shaken group of reporters clearly unaccustomed to hearing such personal confessions from all-star left fielders, “We’re going to be mamas.”

Ramirez and Ms. Suleman, though a most unlikely pair, nonetheless quickly developed a strong friendship after meeting in early February during a taping of the popular TV reality series ‘LA’s Most Unstable”. While both share strong passions for both children and baseball, Ramirez insists their relationship is purely platonic. “Manny Ramirez is not a cheater – not in baseball, and not in marriage,” he insisted. “Nadia’s my sister… my BFF. And after these kids come, God willing, between the two of us, we’ll have just about enough to fill a roster. Besides, Nadia’s proven to me what I’ve always believed, and that I’m feeling now in ways I never imagined possible – becoming a mother is the most fulfilling experience a man can have.”

Ramirez went on to apologize again to team and fans alike for what he called the “unfortunate timing” of his suspension, reiterating that he was unaware that any problems might ensue. He further added, “I’d planned to play the rest of the season if at all possible, but I guess it’s probably better I stay off my feet for a while.”

He also defended his Octomom BFF from some of her harshest critics, saying “… people can stop complaining about taxpayers footing the bill for her. Even with the suspension, I can afford to take care of everyone — and our second team too.”

Reaction from the baseball community was mixed. Most of Ramirez’ current Los Angeles Dodger teammates simply shrugged their shoulders saying, “That’s just Manny being Manny”. His former Boston Red Sox teammates shared a much broader scope of viewpoints, however, ranging from, “deep down, he’s always been a ‘mother’,” to “the hormones of a pregnant woman explains a lot”.

Admit it...

CDC Update: ‘Elephant Flu’ Remains Potential Threat

Atlanta, GA –

The Centers for Disease Control have issued a public advisory regarding the human strain of the proboscidea influenza virus, more commonly known as ‘elephant flu’ or ‘GOP Virus’.

While considered ‘contained’ as of last November, the virus, which officials emphasize is non-life-threatening, remains, at the very least, a major public nuisance. While cases continue to be widespread throughout the country, the most affected areas continue to be in the South and upper Midwest, as indicated on the map shown below.

Since there are generally no outward physical signs that the victim is suffering from the illness, the CDC recommends that the public remain vigilant in recognizing its symptoms, which include:

• High fervor
• Delirium – many patients have shown difficulty in distinguishing schools, courthouses and government buildings from churches
• Increased anxiety and feelings of frustration
• Paranoia – generally manifested in fears reminiscent of historical ‘red-scares’
• Confusion – recent reports indicate victims purchasing tea bags even though they don’t drink tea

While there is no known cure for the disease, a good dose of common sense has shown to be an effective treatment. Unfortunately, it must often be administered forcibly, as those most seriously afflicted tend to be unable or unwilling to get over it.

Experts emphasize that there is no cause at present for alarm, pointing out that the number of registered cases continues to decline. But they warn that the public should remain vigilant, noting that the emergence of a more virulent strain could endanger civil liberties, the economy, and the overall progress and general well being of the country as a whole.

'Elephant Flu' (last updated November 2008) highly afflicted areas indicated in red