Bernie Behaving Badly?

Corrections Officials in Quandary

Federal Department of Corrections officials were left scratching their heads this morning trying to formulate a response to perhaps the most unexpected twist yet in the Bernard Madoff case.

“Was he threatening to commit more crimes, or was he merely expressing a form of appreciation in the only way he knows how? That’s what we need to figure out,” according to Corrections Department spokesperson M. Eileen O’Sullivan.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Bernie was just being Bernie. When he likes someone, he offers them help in the only way he knows how,” explained Madoff defense attorney Ira Lee Sorkin, “After this long process, he was merely acknowledging the hard work and dedication of the judge and the Justice Department as a whole.”

It all began shortly after Judge Denny Chin sentenced the poster-boy for Wall Street misanthropy to 150 years in prison. Madoff, who presumably will be 221 years old after serving his sentence and any possible parole because God has refused repeated requests to take him, asked to address the Court one final time. After permission was granted, a smiling, friendly sounding Madoff expressed his appreciation for the “fine work” done by Judge Chin and the prosecution, as well as his “profound appreciation for the years of dedicated service that have brought us all here together at this time.”

“Nobody appreciates the hard work and dedication of others more than I do,” the future license plate machinist continued, “and I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!”

Mr. Madoff was then escorted back across the street to the Metropolitan Correctional Center where officials say he will undergo further evaluation before being served green Jell-O “with fruit or something” in it.

“Personally, I don’t believe there was any intended or even implied threat in his statement,” former FBI profiler and Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey told The Desperate Blogger. “Rather it appears that due to the long term effects of the stress inherent in his personal situation, and perhaps related fatigue, his brain just kicked into auto-pilot. He simply said what is to him to be the most comfortable, natural, and familiar things he has always told people he barely knows. That being said, however, I would strongly advise any future cellmates or other prisoners incarcerated with Mr. Madoff to keep their cigarettes in their mattresses.”

In other news…

Health insurance industry executives today expressed concern over any “public option” as part of national healthcare reform, citing fears that the bureaucrats who currently come between doctors and patients will all apply to work for the government plan in order to receive better benefits.

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

News in Brief: March 3, 2009

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery
After American doctors refused to perform what they consider ‘unnecessary elective surgery’, conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh traveled to Canada today, where physicians report he is resting comfortably after a 54-minute operation. During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Mr. Limbaugh’s insurance company declined coverage after two medical opinions both concluded that with 44 months remaining until the next Presidential election, performing the surgery now would provide only temporary relief at best.

Fatah, Hamas Reach Accord on ‘Two State’ Solution
In a stunning development, officials representing rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah took only twelve minutes to hammer out an agreement on a ‘two state’ solution for disputed lands. Under their agreement, Fatah would control what are now defined as the ‘occupied territories’ on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. In return, Fatah would recognize Hamas as the legitimate government of all the territory currently referred to as ‘Israel’. Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was muted in her response, saying that while she has “serious reservations about the plausibility of this scenario,” she nonetheless appreciates, “this historic moment when two of the three major players finally agreed on something.”

Surprise Ruling in C.I.A. Interrogation Tapes Lawsuit
The federal judge presiding over the ACLU’s Freedom of Information Act suit today ordered C.I.A. interrogators to “re-enact to the best of their recollection, and based on their expertise and experience – and on each other, not detainees,” the interrogations of terror suspects that appeared on the 92 video tapes destroyed by the agency in 2005. C.I.A. attorneys are expected to appeal the ruling.

Commerce Department Overhauls Terminology
After the three largest automakers all reported February sales at least 40% below the same period one year ago, the Commerce Department announced changes to its reporting terminology that it claims will “better represent the reality of current economic times as well as produce numbers more likely to build consumer confidence.” Beginning next month, used car sales will be eliminated from the automotive sector report, and instead be incorporated into the statistics for ‘sales of existing homes’.

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Sean Hannity Detained By Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. While Department policy prohibits disclosure regarding details of pending investigations, Paul Katz, an anonymous source familiar with the case confirmed that ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. The three choices given are military coup, armed rebellion, and war for secession. (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

“It wouldn’t be looked upon so seriously if at least one of the options listed was something like ‘social’ or ‘political’, or as foreign as it may be to the suspect, ‘sexual’,” according to Katz, “But since the only options provided to people who, by virtue of the fact that they follow this guy, I would remind you might charitably be described as ‘unstable’, we must take very seriously that, at best, he may be inciting violence, and at worst, he’s seeking the violent overthrow of the same government with which he had such an obvious infatuation until January 20th.”

“You must always be very careful dealing with someone experiencing feelings of rejection,” said Dr. Newton M. Toomey, a professor of criminology and adolescent psychology at Pueblo State University, “Rejection is the emotion most likely to lead to violent behavior. When dealing with individuals like Mr. Hannity and his disciples you have to take into consideration that not only was the personification of their ideals, and by transference them, so roundly and thoroughly rejected worldwide, but their idol’s replacement is perceived by many as being universally worshiped. They speak of revolution the same way a jilted lover speaks of murder or murder-suicide. This sort of cry for help should never be taken lightly, as these situations so often end tragically.”

No indication has been given as to how long Mr. Hannity will be detained or if any charges have been or are expected to be filed.

In other news:

Colorado State Troopers Nail Rogue Jaywalker

The Colorado State Patrol finally managed to track down 58-year-old fugitive Denver bus driver Jim Moffett. And when they finally got close enough to his bed in the St. Anthony Medical Center where he is being treated for bleeding in the brain, broken bones in his face, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and possible ruptured spleen and liver suffered when he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck just after pushing three people (including two elderly women) out of its path, the Troopers dispensed justice, ticketing the ‘wolf in good Samaritan’s clothing’ for jaywalking. State Senator and noted gay basher and religious fanatic Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) applauded the troopers for their courage and swift action, saying, “Jaywalking is a sin and an abomination and offense to God. This man got what he deserved. The summons is just icing on the cake.”

Hedge Fund Managers Fear Worst is Imminent

Hedge fund managers are bracing for the worst, as reports indicate the Obama Administration is expected to seek the closure of a tax loophole that would result in all of their income actually being taxed as income.

According to Thomas B. Edsall of The Huffington Post:

“The most common arrangement provides that fund managers get a) a fee of 2 percent of the value of the fund, whether it goes up or down – a fee on which they pay ordinary income tax rates of up to 35 percent; and b) 20 percent of the annual profits, on which they pay only a 15-percent capital-gains tax rate.”

With the loophole closed, based on the flimsy logic that because the managers are not risking their own money, their ‘commissions’ should be considered income as opposed to capital gains, a fund manager who increases the value of his investors’ portfolio by $500 million dollars would only get to keep $65 million of that portion of his compensation instead of $85 million.

“I’m afraid people might start jumping out of windows,” said market analyst Ima Dippe-Schitte, “It’s a lot harder to live on $65 million than 85.”

Tuesday’s News in Brief

Global Warming Monitor Causes Ecological Disaster
A $278 million NASA satellite designed to monitor global carbon dioxide levels failed to reach orbit after lifting off from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California this morning, crashing into the ocean near Antarcica. The crash reportedly set adrift a large chunk of polar ice and released countless chemicals and toxins into the previously pristine local environment.

GOP Senators Bash ‘Liberal Media’
Telling reporters, “Anyone who knows what a supply and demand curve looks like can see they’re lying to us,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of the Republican caucus, challenged the veracity of what he called the “Obama worshipping media” for publishing what he called, “an economically impossible scenario”. The statement was in response to reports released this morning showing that home prices are falling at the same time homelessness is rising.

Rove Charged With Contempt of Congress
Saying, “As long as it’s still open, Guantanamo might be an appropriate place for him,” House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers today sent a ‘resolution of contempt’ to the floor of the House following former Bush Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove’s failure to answer the Committee’s subpoena to testify under oath about his role in the firing of U.S. attorneys and prosecution of the former Democratic governor of Alabama.

House Republicans to Boycott Obama Address
Citing security measures he described as “discriminatory profiling of the worst kind,” House Minority Leader John Boehner called on Congressional Republicans to boycott tonight’s joint-session Presidential address. The Secret Service reportedly will require GOP Congressmen, none of whom voted for either the House or final version of the Economic Recovery Act, to remove their shoes before entering the chamber.

AIG Requests More Bailout Assistance
The struggling financial giant, which is expected to report a quarterly loss as high as $60 billion this week, is asking for government loan guarantees to assist its launch into what company executives believe will provide a solid foundation for its recovery – expansion into the lucrative market of insuring Chinese agricultural and food exports.

Today’s News in Brief

Pope Snubs Colbert
Citing “experience and qualifications,” Pope Benedict XVI today named Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, who in the last seven years has led the archdiocese of Milwaukee to two Final Four appearances, to succeed Cardinal Edward M. Egan as Archbishop of New York.  Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central’s ‘Colbert Report’, who in recent weeks had emerged as the front runner among Vatican watchers, was gracious in defeat. “Tim Dolan is fine Catholic who has a history of producing results – the guy’s a winner,” Colbert told Commonweal Magazine, “Until an appropriate opening becomes available, I’ll continue my pursuit of the Emmy for ‘Best Performance in a Variety or Music Program’ as well as a non-celibate lifestyle.”

Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain
Binyam Mohamed, who alleged he was tortured by U.S. interrogators during the 18 months he was detained in Morocco prior to being transferred to Guantanamo Bay, was finally released four months after all charges against him were dropped. “There was a lot of paperwork involved,” according to a Pentagon spokesman explaining the delay in Mohamed’s release, “We also needed time for our people to coerce his confession that he lied about having been tortured.”

Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors
A corporate spokesman denied rumors the software giant plans an expansion into the banking industry. Rumors began circulating after Microsoft sent letters to laid-off employees requesting that they return amounts “overpaid” to them in their severance packages due to “an inadvertent administrative error”. “Just because we gave too much money to unemployed people and act surprised they’re not giving it back doesn’t make us a bank,” the spokesman insisted.

‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced
Less than 24 hours after his film won eight Oscars including Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire Director Danny Boyle announced plans for a sequel, to be set in the United States. “We’re developing a script now, and expect to begin shooting in 12-18 months,” Boyle told a genuflecting Ryan Seacrest. “By then, pretty much any American city should do for a proper setting.”

Really. Proceeds go toward groceries.

Surrendered UBS Records Yield Many Surprises

Hoffa, War Loot, Missing Records Among Contents of Swiss Vaults

A little known clause in the agreement reached Tuesday between Swiss banking giant UBS and U.S. prosecutors is already “yielding a treasure trove of unexpected information,” according to a Justice Department source.

The provision, which calls for UBS to provide an inventory of items from American-rented ‘orphan boxes’ – safe deposit boxes that have either been abandoned or the rightful owners of their contents cannot be located – was intended to provide possible additional revenue from assets that have long been hidden overseas to evade American taxes. Instead, it has opened a virtual Pandora’s box of scandal and intrigue.

“The days of making something ‘disappear’ by putting it in a Swiss bank are over,” said Larry D. Mapp, a senior Justice Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “From now on, criminals are going to have to go back to keeping two sets of books or dumping in the oceans, where things might one day be found.”

Mr. Mapp added that the government “will soon be in possession of property and evidence that will go a long way toward closing many old cases at the same time as opening up many new ones.”

The extensive inventory lists a broad range of items, such as:

• Many boxes purported to contain cremated human remains, including one labeled ‘J. Hoffa’
• A leather wallet containing a ticket to a Broadway play dated August 6, 1930 and identification with the name ‘Joseph F. Crater’
• The second .22 caliber revolver used in the Robert F. Kennedy assassination
• A box containing Lee Harvey Oswald’s CIA personnel file, an audio recording labeled “D. Kilgallen/J. Ruby, Nov. 1965″, and a bullet damaged almost beyond recognition.
• A jar containing a preserved human heart, labeled ‘If found, please return to Richard B. Cheney’
• Various artwork and artifacts reported missing from museums and private collections after World War II
• A home dialysis kit from a box registered to “Project for the New American Century” with a label reading: “To be picked up by O. bin Laden”
• $173,840 in American currency from a box registered in December 1971 under the name ‘Dan Cooper’
• Blood stained clothing from a box registered in 1994 as ‘In Trust For: Orenthal Simpson’

Mr. Mapp told reporters he expects that he and his staff “will be quite busy for some time to come.”

Scott Boras Expected to Get Commerce Nod

Nakagawa Never Serious Contender

Baseball super-agent Scott Boras, known in sports media circles as ‘The Great Upstager’, lived up to his reputation today, but this time it was not his own doing. While former Boras client Alex Rodriguez was conducting the most anticipated press conference in years, answering questions about his anonymous, positive test result for a banned substance six seasons ago, White House sources revealed to the remaining available reporter that Boras has emerged as the frontrunner in the Obama Administration’s search for the next Commerce Secretary. The revelation dispelled earlier rumors that newly former Japanese Finance Minister Shōichi Nakagawa would receive the nomination as soon as he sobers up.

According to Paul Katz, an Obama team member familiar with the vetting process, Nakagawa did receive some consideration until the final stage of the vetting process, when a check of Wikipedia turned up the fact that, “in April 2004, it was revealed that he had not been paying into the national pension plan for 21 years.”

“While that, of course, was a disqualifying factor, we did feel a little vindicated about the Geithner thing,” Katz explained, adding that an additional problem was the fact that women’s rights groups may have sought to block the nomination after learning that the Gekkeikan guzzling politician and Japanese cabinet member was once quoted as saying, “Women have their proper place: they should be womanly…They have their own abilities and these should be fully exercised, for example in flower arranging, sewing, or cooking. It’s not a matter of good or bad, but we need to accept reality that men and women are genetically different”.

“Broads get pissed off at comments like that,” Katz observed.

Tony Vita, a member of the vetting committee who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Nakagawa’s name was only floated publicly to resolve a wager between two staffers who, “bet on how long it would take (CNN host and radio personality) Lou Dobbs to publicly demand the construction of a wall along the border between the United States and Japan ‘in order to preserve American jobs and security’.” (Unofficially, it took 1 minute and 43 seconds.)

“Scott Boras is a great choice,” according to Professor Phyllis Thomas of the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce. “He has a reputation as a fierce negotiator, and he has a great motivation to succeed when you consider how large a percentage of the nation’s commerce he and his clients already control. Most importantly, I have it on good authority that the man has actually paid all of his taxes.”

For his part, Boras was playing it cool. “Of course it’s an honor to discover I’m even considered a candidate,’ the coy piranha told The Sporting News. “But a decision like this is not one to be made without careful deliberation. I want to take a couple of days to think about it and discuss it with my family. I’ll make my official announcement Sunday night during the Academy Awards.”

President Unveils ‘Create-Your-Own’ Tax Cut Plan

House Republicans Propose Putting Obama’s Picture on $100 Bill

President Obama, long at odds with GOP lawmakers over the type and extent of tax cuts to be included in the $800+ billion economic stimulus package, today unveiled a plan which would allow corporations and individual taxpayers to ‘create their own’ individualized tax cut.

Here’s how the plan would work. Wages, salaries, etc. would still be reported as they are now, and W-2 and 1099 form requirements will remain unchanged. “But there are a lot of other lines there,” said the President, “and there are parts of items that we currently require the taxpayer to self report. Under this plan, everyone can choose one item to eliminate. For example, employers will still report wages and salaries, but other income, such as tips, cash bonuses, gifts, etc. can be left off. Or, depending on your situation, you may choose to leave out capital gains, or interest and dividend income, or whatever item best suits you – as I said, there are a lot of lines there. Just indicate above where you sign your form what you’ve cut. So long as the rest is in order, you’ve got one ‘gimme’ compliments of Uncle Sam.”

“This is not a new idea,” the President continued, “And we know it can work. It’s worked for members of my Cabinet as it has for I’m sure many other individuals and business all across the country. What I’m proposing now is that this plan be instituted as policy and available to all.”

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ), who has not only been one of the harshest critics of the proposed stimulus package, but has also questioned the President’s commitment to bipartisanship on Capitol Hill, was among the first to praise the plan.

“I can’t tell you how delighted I am that the President, in this time national crisis, is crossing party lines to help all Americans the same way we in Washington have always helped ourselves,” the smiling Kyl told reporters, “This is change I can believe in.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner not only announced his enthusiastic support for the plan, but also his intention to introduce a bill which would replace the image of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill with that of Barack Obama. “I know Ben Franklin was a great American and had numerous great accomplishments. But this guy’s a f*****g genius,” he said in an interview with Tiger Beat magazine, “I wish I could tell you that many of us in Washington came up with the idea before the President did, but speaking for myself, I cannot say that – at least not until the statute of limitations expires.”

In a related story, an anonymous source at the Internal Revenue Service confirmed reports that an audit is currently underway to determine whether Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner properly reported income that he received when he was moonlighting as Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Tom Daschle’s driver.

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Paulson Approves Bailout for Adult Entertainment Industry

Treasury Secretary to Become ‘Talent Coordinator’ for Larry Flynt Productions

Saying he’s “dying to find out how many of the things taxpayers have been suggesting Administration officials do are actually physically possible,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today announced his approval for the bailout package requested by Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt and ‘Girls Gone Wild’ producer Joe Francis. He also added that his decision has nothing to do with what he described as “a long-standing offer” to become a ‘Talent Coordinator’ for Larry Flynt Productions’ ‘LFP Video’ movie company upon the swearing in of Timothy Geithner, his nominated successor for the top position at the Treasury Department.

The total of what industry analysts describe as ‘an unprecedented package’ has yet to be determined. The amount requested by Flynt and Francis is $5 billion, representing the decrease in the industry’s annual revenue over the past three years, but a somewhat cryptic Paulson explained, “Five is a number nobody would even mention publicly where I grew up. Generally you start with six, and work your way up from there until you get the desired results. Of course, sometimes five might be more than enough – what’s important is maximum utilization – in layman’s terms ‘how you use it’. If I had to commit to a number today, I’d have to say 6 to 6½, with the possibility that it might grow to 8 depending on such factors as performance in the near term, and the viability of sustaining growth over the long term.”

When asked by reporters if there might be a conflict of interest in light of the fact that he has accepted a position to work for a party directly involved in the bailout, a somewhat testy Secretary Paulson responded, “Look, I could have chosen to keep it under wraps until later, but I put the whole thing out on the table hoping to avoid exactly these sorts of questions. People always wonder about these sorts of things, ‘Are they real, or are they fake?’ For those who want to believe the worst, all they will ever believe from me is that this is less than half the potential conflict of interest that Goldman Sachs is. For what it’s worth, since I came to Treasury in 2006 hoping to serve my country, I’ve passed up at least $50 million I could have made in the private sector. Money is not the most important thing in my life, and believe me, I plan to enjoy my retirement.”

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-MA), who has no authority over how Paulson distributes TARP funds, when reached for comment said, “I’m optimistic something good will come from this. American taxpayers have always known they were getting screwed, but I don’t think there are many who have, or even could have, imagined the number ways they have been or soon will be screwed. Those who take the time to scrutinize this plan and its results will learn things they never believed were even possible in that regard.”

Paulson’s press conference can be heard in its entirety by calling 1-900-BIG-HANK (a $3.99/minute charge applies)

REID: ECONOMY, PEACE “WILL HAVE TO WAIT”

Ego Issue Top Priority for Senate

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced today that the Senate’s, “top, and only priority, will be to resolve the Burris and Franken matters before proceeding to any of those other minor issues people seem to be so pre-occupied with.” According to Senator Reid, “The United States Senate is considered perhaps the most exclusive club in the world, and we’ve got some serious membership issues here. The ‘little people’ are just going to have to wait.”

First up: The Membership Committee will meet Thursday with Roland Burris, embattled-but-still Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s legitimate appointee to fill the seat vacated by President-Elect Obama. Mr. Burris, “has graciously agreed to answer any and all questions put to him by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers,” Reid revealed at a morning press conference, “so that should kill at least a couple of days.” He then continued, “But we want to make it clear from the outset, as Mr. Burris himself told us right up front that he also understands, race is absolutely not an issue here – not with Mr. Burris, who I’ve just spoken with and is obviously a credit to his people — and not with the two Jews from Minnesota either.”

In fact, according to an anonymous Membership Committee official, the fact that Mr. Burris is African-American may actually work to his advantage. “We all understand the importance of diversity in our society and within the Senate itself. For example, if we don’t have at least one Black member, the PGA, by rule, cannot sanction any of our golf outings. As far as the Franken-Coleman situation, I can assure you that the Republican leadership just wants to wait until all legal avenues are exhausted before seating another Democrat. The fact that Mr. Franken is Jewish is not a factor – so is Senator Coleman, and trust me, the fact that nobody around here ever liked him has nothing to do with his faith. As far as Mr. Franken’s ‘show business thing’, I understand why that part of his background might make some members a little nervous. After all, we all know what those people are like.”

Senator Reid said that he hopes the Senate can work out its internal disputes in time to get to matters “such as the worsening economy, the two wars the country is fighting, the Middle East, health care, and maybe even education” before breaking for their summer recess, adding, “I hate to think about how much worse all the visitors to the Capitol will smell if they’ve been out of work for awhile.”

In other news:

Tensions flared between Hamas and France today when a spokesman for Hamas leaders threatened that they would consider declaring war on France if “that infidel with the hot wife doesn’t butt out,” adding, “And I doubt there’s anybody out there who doesn’t believe we can and would kick France’s ass if it ever came to that.” When reached for comment, French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded only by saying, “They don’t scare me. As long as I’m not a civilian, they’ll never target me.”

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