CIA Cancels Second Covert Assassination Program

Just days after the United States and the rest of the world was left to grapple with the realization that the Bush administration actually sought to protect the country’s national security above and beyond the collective imagination by secretly having the CIA spend nearly eight years planning to possibly capture and/or assassinate al Qaeda leaders, another Langley, Virginia-based bombshell fell squarely on Capitol Hill today, sending the still-reeling public in to the same state of shock and awe usually reserved for the nation’s enemies.

In an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

“It seems clear to me, after reading the reports and examining the progress made to date, that it would be irresponsible for the Agency to continue spending millions of taxpayer dollars every year planning an action that it is increasingly obvious will be performed by God before we ever come up with a viable plan,” Panetta told the tearful committee members.

The announcement came as a shock to lawmakers, many of whom expressed outrage at the fact that they had not been briefed by any of the intelligence services who they claim had a moral, if not legal, obligation to inform them that Castro was still alive.

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault,” according to House minority leader John Boehner, “I think it’s safe to assume that having such a liberal ascend to the position of House Speaker has given Fidel a reason to hang on.”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went even farther, telling sobbing Fox News host Glenn Beck, “I think this sends the wrong message. Now is not the time for the United States to be perceived as soft on communism. I’ll bet Khrushchev is sitting in the Kremlin right now laughing his butt off at us.”

Representative Spencer Bachus (R-AL), who has already compiled a secret list of 17 socialists currently serving in the House of Representatives, called for the formation of a new ‘Un-American Activities Committee’ to investigate the infiltration of socialists into the CIA and other agencies, adding that at an early stage in his own private investigation, he already has compiled a secret list of 24 names in the CIA alone.

Reaction to Levi Johnston’s ‘Today’ Show Appearance

PERSONALS:

Male satirist, mid-40s, behind in rent, enjoys old movies, sports, and free publicity, seeks post-statutory daughter of prominent and/or polarizing politician willing to commit to relationship through next national election.  Contact: TheDesperateBlogger.com

Limbaugh Sees Dem ‘Plot’ in Heinous Crime

While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.

“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”

According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.

Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”.  The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan.  He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”

Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections.  But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.

As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey.  “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Bernie Behaving Badly?

Corrections Officials in Quandary

Federal Department of Corrections officials were left scratching their heads this morning trying to formulate a response to perhaps the most unexpected twist yet in the Bernard Madoff case.

“Was he threatening to commit more crimes, or was he merely expressing a form of appreciation in the only way he knows how? That’s what we need to figure out,” according to Corrections Department spokesperson M. Eileen O’Sullivan.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Bernie was just being Bernie. When he likes someone, he offers them help in the only way he knows how,” explained Madoff defense attorney Ira Lee Sorkin, “After this long process, he was merely acknowledging the hard work and dedication of the judge and the Justice Department as a whole.”

It all began shortly after Judge Denny Chin sentenced the poster-boy for Wall Street misanthropy to 150 years in prison. Madoff, who presumably will be 221 years old after serving his sentence and any possible parole because God has refused repeated requests to take him, asked to address the Court one final time. After permission was granted, a smiling, friendly sounding Madoff expressed his appreciation for the “fine work” done by Judge Chin and the prosecution, as well as his “profound appreciation for the years of dedicated service that have brought us all here together at this time.”

“Nobody appreciates the hard work and dedication of others more than I do,” the future license plate machinist continued, “and I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!”

Mr. Madoff was then escorted back across the street to the Metropolitan Correctional Center where officials say he will undergo further evaluation before being served green Jell-O “with fruit or something” in it.

“Personally, I don’t believe there was any intended or even implied threat in his statement,” former FBI profiler and Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey told The Desperate Blogger. “Rather it appears that due to the long term effects of the stress inherent in his personal situation, and perhaps related fatigue, his brain just kicked into auto-pilot. He simply said what is to him to be the most comfortable, natural, and familiar things he has always told people he barely knows. That being said, however, I would strongly advise any future cellmates or other prisoners incarcerated with Mr. Madoff to keep their cigarettes in their mattresses.”

In other news…

Health insurance industry executives today expressed concern over any “public option” as part of national healthcare reform, citing fears that the bureaucrats who currently come between doctors and patients will all apply to work for the government plan in order to receive better benefits.

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

PETA Launches Fly Adoption Program

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the often-controversial animal rights group, today announced the launch of “Operation Sol,” its latest worldwide effort to promote fly adoption as well as public education and awareness of ongoing threats to flies everywhere.

Still riding the wave of popularity brought about by the organization’s uncharacteristically muted reaction to President Obama’s savage killing of an innocent White House fly, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk today expressed confidence that this initiative — named for Sol Madison, the beloved late pet fly of New York Herald sportswriter Oscar Madison — “… will lead to greater understanding of, and tolerance for, annoying little shit-eaters of many species.”

Due to the vast number of homeless and endangered flies, as well as their staggering rate of reproduction, Ms. Newkirk cited ‘Op-Sol’s’ urgent need for a consistent food supply. Donations of fly food can be mailed (or shipped) to the address found by clicking the “Donate Now” link at peta.org (It is requested that ‘flymeal’ of human origin be limited to vegetarian sources only.) Contributors are also urged to give donations directly to PETA members in their community, who, as Ms. Newkirk noted, are generally easy to find.

Editor’s Note: The Desperate Blogger urges its reader(s) to support Operation Sol. Whenever you see someone throwing red paint on unsuspecting passers-by wearing fur or leather, please give them as much shit as you possibly can.

Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem with everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

A Desperate Blogger Superstore Exclusive

Manny Ramirez is ‘Octomom’ Surrogate

Embattled baseball superstar Manny Ramirez stunned a Los Angeles press conference today when he “came clean” about the presence in his system of human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced by embryos during pregnancy.

“I’m carrying my friend Nadia’s next litter,” he told a visibly shaken group of reporters clearly unaccustomed to hearing such personal confessions from all-star left fielders, “We’re going to be mamas.”

Ramirez and Ms. Suleman, though a most unlikely pair, nonetheless quickly developed a strong friendship after meeting in early February during a taping of the popular TV reality series ‘LA’s Most Unstable”. While both share strong passions for both children and baseball, Ramirez insists their relationship is purely platonic. “Manny Ramirez is not a cheater – not in baseball, and not in marriage,” he insisted. “Nadia’s my sister… my BFF. And after these kids come, God willing, between the two of us, we’ll have just about enough to fill a roster. Besides, Nadia’s proven to me what I’ve always believed, and that I’m feeling now in ways I never imagined possible – becoming a mother is the most fulfilling experience a man can have.”

Ramirez went on to apologize again to team and fans alike for what he called the “unfortunate timing” of his suspension, reiterating that he was unaware that any problems might ensue. He further added, “I’d planned to play the rest of the season if at all possible, but I guess it’s probably better I stay off my feet for a while.”

He also defended his Octomom BFF from some of her harshest critics, saying “… people can stop complaining about taxpayers footing the bill for her. Even with the suspension, I can afford to take care of everyone — and our second team too.”

Reaction from the baseball community was mixed. Most of Ramirez’ current Los Angeles Dodger teammates simply shrugged their shoulders saying, “That’s just Manny being Manny”. His former Boston Red Sox teammates shared a much broader scope of viewpoints, however, ranging from, “deep down, he’s always been a ‘mother’,” to “the hormones of a pregnant woman explains a lot”.

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