Reaction to Levi Johnston’s ‘Today’ Show Appearance

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Male satirist, mid-40s, behind in rent, enjoys old movies, sports, and free publicity, seeks post-statutory daughter of prominent and/or polarizing politician willing to commit to relationship through next national election.  Contact: TheDesperateBlogger.com

Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Organizers Needed for ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’

Must Understand Difference Between ‘Protesting’ and ‘Tea-Bagging’

A ‘Please-Steal-This-Idea’ Call to Action from TheDesperateBlogger.com

To Anyone Tiring of FOX-News:

1. Claiming to be “Fair and Balanced”
2. Promoting events supporting their agenda instead of merely reporting on them
3. Involving themselves in the political process instead of merely reporting on it
4. Representing GOP materials as their own research (http://mediamatters.org/items/200902100019)
5. Lying to support “fair and balanced” claim (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/13/foxs-cavuto-claims-networ_n_186156.html)
6. Representing themselves as ‘patriotic’ under Republican administration, then advocating violent overthrow of Obama administration (a.k.a. ‘treason’) (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

The time has come for a response they can understand! (i.e. numbers, not words)

While ‘Tea-Bagging’ is still against the law in many places, exercising freedom of speech in a good old-fashioned protest is not. And since the ‘Un-Silent Minority’ doesn’t seem to understand what any of these terms actually means, it is incumbent upon their fellow citizens to teach them – well at least the ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘good old-fashioned protest’ parts.

I encourage anyone reading this to take it and run with it. (ADHD has rendered me a disorganized mess…)

This country is in desperate need of Anti-FOX-News/Pro-Obama Agenda ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’ with turnouts that overwhelm the attendance numbers of the Fox-promoted Tea-Bagging sideshows.

They may not understand the Constitution, but they understand numbers. It is time they be shown that blatant hypocrisy and total disregard for integrity have no place in the ‘News’ business.

Tuesday’s News in Brief

Global Warming Monitor Causes Ecological Disaster
A $278 million NASA satellite designed to monitor global carbon dioxide levels failed to reach orbit after lifting off from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California this morning, crashing into the ocean near Antarcica. The crash reportedly set adrift a large chunk of polar ice and released countless chemicals and toxins into the previously pristine local environment.

GOP Senators Bash ‘Liberal Media’
Telling reporters, “Anyone who knows what a supply and demand curve looks like can see they’re lying to us,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of the Republican caucus, challenged the veracity of what he called the “Obama worshipping media” for publishing what he called, “an economically impossible scenario”. The statement was in response to reports released this morning showing that home prices are falling at the same time homelessness is rising.

Rove Charged With Contempt of Congress
Saying, “As long as it’s still open, Guantanamo might be an appropriate place for him,” House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers today sent a ‘resolution of contempt’ to the floor of the House following former Bush Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove’s failure to answer the Committee’s subpoena to testify under oath about his role in the firing of U.S. attorneys and prosecution of the former Democratic governor of Alabama.

House Republicans to Boycott Obama Address
Citing security measures he described as “discriminatory profiling of the worst kind,” House Minority Leader John Boehner called on Congressional Republicans to boycott tonight’s joint-session Presidential address. The Secret Service reportedly will require GOP Congressmen, none of whom voted for either the House or final version of the Economic Recovery Act, to remove their shoes before entering the chamber.

AIG Requests More Bailout Assistance
The struggling financial giant, which is expected to report a quarterly loss as high as $60 billion this week, is asking for government loan guarantees to assist its launch into what company executives believe will provide a solid foundation for its recovery – expansion into the lucrative market of insuring Chinese agricultural and food exports.

GOP, Fox News Announce Merger

O’Reilly to Replace Steele as GOP Chairman

Prompted by a report from Media Matters for America suggesting that Fox News represented a release from the Senate Republican Communications Center as its own research, Fox News and GOP officials confirmed today that they have agreed to terms on a merger.  Fox’s ‘research’ in question mirrored the release posted today in the section of the GOP website with the astonishingly outdated title “The Leader Board” down to a typographical error.

“We were hoping to withhold announcing the deal until after we’ve cleared a couple of regulatory hurdles,” said a red-faced Fox News CEO and Chairman Roger Ailes. “With the liberal elite now controlling Washington almost to the extent they control the rest of the media, we didn’t want the whole thing to be sabotaged by a bunch of overblown, cry-baby socialist ‘equal-time’ and ‘fair and unbiased’ sorts of questions before we even had a chance to state our case behind closed doors. Thanks to the communist supported ‘ethics in journalism police’ I guess we can kiss that goodbye now.” He then added that he believes government regulators will eventually approve the deal because, “the relevant agencies still have enough holdovers from the Rove/Cheney/Bush administration”.

“This is a deal that makes sense,” according to New York based political media analyst Tony Vita. “While we shouldn’t expect to see any perceptible change in Fox’s coverage of social, religious, or political issues, both sides have a lot to gain by officially joining forces. The Republican Party will acquire a significant number of shares in Fox News parent company, giving them much needed financial clout going into a new election cycle. And by becoming a full-fledged partner, Fox News now not only puts to rest accusations that they only exist to ‘carry the GOP’s water’, but also acquire a vested interest in a significant number of elected offices nationwide.”

Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News The O’Reilly Factor, refused to comment about rumors that as part of the deal he will replace the recently elected Michael Steele as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. O’Reilly, who media analysts have dubbed ‘the Norm Coleman of talk radio’ due to the fact that his afternoon ‘call-in’ time slot will be taken over by entertainment personality and forcibly retired politician Fred Thompson, sought refuge in a studio lavatory. His strategy apparently backfired, however, when he inadvertently revealed that besides the fact that all news research as well as some writing are now provided by the Party, other elements of the merger have apparently already been put into place. Shortly after yelling, “I have a right to privacy, you f*****g paparazzi,” he threw several men’s room items at reporters, striking one with what was later discovered to be official GOP-issued ‘Constitution’ toilet paper.

Conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh could hardly contain his enthusiasm when learning that O’Reilly would be taking over Steele’s post. In a moment reminiscent of his thoughtful and sensitive commentary regarding Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, the hefty pill-popper showed his disdain for the former Maryland Lieutenant Governor’s election by screaming as if in the throes of withdrawal, “it was entirely about race!”

NORM COLEMAN TO CHALLENGE STEPHEN COLBERT

Seeks to ‘Cement Place in History’

The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) announced today that Norm Coleman, the former Democratic Mayor of St. Paul, former Republican Senator from Minnesota, and current Brooklyn-born Jewish private citizen will host a music and variety special scheduled to air on CBN during the May ‘Sweeps’ week. It is widely believed that Mr. Coleman will be the network’s first-ever featured performer to hail from New York City.

‘Music From the Malls with Norm Coleman’ will feature a variety of performances, both live and pre-recorded, from the Mall in Washington D.C., Coleman’s most recent home, and the Mall of America in his resident home state of Minnesota. The common thread of the performers to be featured will be that, like Coleman, all were also once considered prominent.

“This is a great opportunity for Norm to cement his place in history,” said Cullen Sheehan, Coleman’s campaign manager. “This show represents the perfect vehicle to showcase his broad range of talents and earn him an Emmy nomination. While losing a gubernatorial election to a pro wrestler and an incumbent Senate seat to a comedian are solid losing credentials, being the first to lose the Emmy to Stephen Colbert would, we feel, establish Norm Coleman as the United States’ pre-eminent loser.”

According to New York based political strategist Tony Vita, Coleman already holds a unique place as a losing public figure. “It takes an extraordinarily rare individual to accomplish what he has already,” Mr. Vita explained, “To consistently be nominated to high office and almost as consistently lose, particularly to weak and/or inexperienced opposition, is the political equivalent of being superficially likable enough to regularly be a member of wedding parties, yet personally disagreeable enough to never sustain a close personal relationship.” Mr. Vita is also confident that the former Senator’s current goal is attainable. “When you look at the reality of ‘superficial’ gets you nominated but ‘substance’ gets you elected, the fields of politics and entertainment suddenly have a lot more in common than most people realize. I expect his campaign people to hit the ground running, and with Conservative Evangelical Christian money and media behind him, recent trends suggest that he should both get nominated and lose.”

According to Sheehan, the decision to go after the Emmy nomination was not made lightly by either Senator Coleman or his advisers. “See that, you just referred to him as ‘Senator’ — people remember him for the one blemish on his otherwise exemplary record of losing, but they forget that he was a shoe-in to lose until Fate intervened in the eleventh hour,” he admonished the reporters present, “Norm Coleman has reached a point in his career that every outstanding politician reaches sooner or later. He needs to consider his legacy. He needs to know he has somehow raised the bar for those who will follow him. This will be his crowning achievement. This is what future generations will read about.”

The ‘blemish’ on Coleman’s record referenced by Mr. Sheehan was, of course, Mr. Coleman’s victory in the 2002 Senatorial election. Coleman was expected to lose comfortably to incumbent Democrat Paul Wellstone, who was tragically killed in a plane crash shortly before the election. Democratic officials named former Vice President Walter Mondale as a last-minute replacement for Wellstone on the ballot, but despite what insiders refer to as ‘Herculean efforts’ on the part of Coleman, he still fell 2.1% of the vote short of becoming the first candidate to lose to Mondale since 1976.

In other news, an agreement has been reached among Republican Senate leaders seeking to bar Al Franken from being seated, Democratic Senate leaders seeking to bar Roland Burris from being seated, and representatives of Franken and Burris. According to the agreement, before the first session of the new Senate is called to order Tuesday morning, two seats will be removed from the Chamber. The National Anthem will then be played, and when the music stops, the two Senators left standing will be removed from the session.

Norm for Emmy Nomination

Fred Thompson Continues ‘Media-oric’ Rise

Radio Next for Former Senator, ‘Law & Order’ Star

Fred Dalton Thompson, the former U.S. Senator and Republican Presidential Candidate who has also starred in movies and television, is making the jump to daytime radio.

Westwood One Radio Networks President Gary Schonfeld, looking as proud as a peacock that had just swallowed a dozen Styrofoam pellets, called Thompson, “a perfect fit for radio,” adding, “His unique set of qualifications will make him a huge hit with both listeners and advertisers.”

The two-hour daily talk show, tentatively titled ‘Midday Siesta with Tio Freddie’ will air live from Noon – 2pm, Monday – Friday beginning March 2nd. It will fill the time slot being vacated by Bill O’Reilly’s wildly popular ‘They’re All a Bunch of Liberal Jerks’, which will sign-off after a successful six-year run on February 27th. According to a statement issued by Westwood One, the show will feature Thompson sharing “his views on politics, topical issues, pop culture and water cooler stories”, as well as guest interviews and listener calls.

“I know this is merely a stepping-stone for Fred, but I hope he’ll stick around for a while,” Mr. Schonfeld told the freelance journalist who was lured to the scheduled press conference by free coffee and donuts, “It’s so obvious that he’s on his way to bigger and better things, we’re just honored that he’s chosen Westwood One as a stop along the way.” The radio executive-turned-groupie continued, “The writing is on the wall. The question isn’t if greater accomplishments await, it’s how soon can we expect them.”

Pueblo, Colorado based media consultant Meegan Toomey, co-founder of Travers & Toomey LLC, concurs. “Just look at Senator Thompson’s body of work in mass media and entertainment,” she explains, “Then, look at the momentum of his career. The man’s gone from Hollywood movies to prime time television and now daytime talk-radio with the momentum of a runaway freight train going downhill. What’s going to stop him? Nothing. I predict within 4-6 years we’ll be talking about Fred Thompson as the biggest thing to hit Vaudeville since the Crash of ’29.”

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DB Editorial: Uncomfortable with ‘Gay Crush’ on Rick Warren

O.K. faithful readers and readers ‘of faith’, how about a quick show of hands: If not for the extensive coverage (during an otherwise slow news week) of the disappointment and outrage expressed by Pro-Choice and Gay Rights groups over the President-elect’s choice of Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at next month’s inauguration, how many would even be aware that there was an invocation delivered at Presidential inaugurations, let alone give it a second thought?

[Please put your hands down now - people are going to wonder who the crazy person looking at the computer with a raised arm is...]

First, to get a couple of things out in the open:

1. I am a strong advocate for the separation of church and state. The Holy Roman Empire ended badly, the Church of England has caused more than a bit of a ruckus, and I don’t see a lot of people planning their next vacation in the Islamic Republic of Iran.
2. I also don’t understand why it’s so God-awful important to so many people to have “Thou shalt not kill” and the other nine Commandments, only one of which is actually law, prominently displayed over the heads of judges, particularly in courts where capital cases are heard.
3. I try to limit my adversarial discussions on the abortion issue to Pro-Lifers who have adopted at least one otherwise unwanted child simply because the mother chose not to keep it rather than out of their own desire to be a parent. I always have time and respect for people who put their money where their mouth is whether they agree with me or not.
4. My girlfriend and I are from different religious backgrounds. No church will marry us. We acknowledge and respect this as their right. But I’m still waiting to hear a reasonable, non-faith based argument as to what makes me so special that I have the civil right to marry the person of my choice while other (generally more) responsible adults do not, simply because I am a man and have chosen a woman with questionable judgment.
5. ‘Proposition 8′ is blatantly discriminatory and should, [and I believe will] be overturned by the judiciary. For those who argue that ‘we are a democracy and if the majority support a law their decision should be final’, I remind you of two things: First, the United States is not a democracy, it is a republic. If you don’t believe me, kindly refer to the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’. [Hint: It shows up shortly before ‘God'.] Second, we should be more honest with ourselves. If majority opinion were the rule of law, we probably still wouldn’t have a Black voter, never mind a Black President-elect.

Now that you have a clearer picture of where I’m coming from, let’s get back to this sordid business of the Pastor and the President-elect…

Why is anyone disappointed, shocked or outraged? I heard a leading Gay Rights activist yesterday saying, “…Barack Obama has closed the door on us…” Pro-Choice groups are up in arms because Mr. Warren is an anti-abortion rights advocate.

I hate to say this, my ‘glass-half-empty’ friends, but lighten up. We’re talking about a two-minute invocation, not a Cabinet appointment. It’s time to remind ourselves that we’re not going to be ‘the opposition’ any more. There’s really going to be a President who supports our causes. So what if he has Rick Warren, a conservative pastor, doing the invocation? He has Joseph Lowery, a liberal minister doing the benediction, and Pepper & Rosenberger, a moderate caterer, doing the refreshments. What’s the big deal?

The President-elect, during the transition, has clearly demonstrated that he intends, as promised, to govern from the ‘center out’, not from the ‘left in’. He is not closing his door on his supporters; he is demonstrating that, unlike his predecessors, it is open to his opponents. The ‘new opposition’ is going to be treated the way we always felt we should have been. Isn’t that a refreshing change?

Fair is Fair

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NY Governor Paterson to Appoint David Blaine to Fill Clinton Seat

Presumptive Senator Vows to Remain Seated for Entire Balance of Term

[Editor's Note: The Governor's Office released a prepared statement to reporters outside the State House in Albany outlining his choice of successor to the Senate seat being vacated by Hillary Rodham Clinton. The statement became exclusive to The Desperate Blogger when, as is typical with press kits that are distributed to the media working outdoors in Albany between November and March, all other copies were burned to keep hands, feet, and ‘equipment' warm.]

New York Governor David Paterson ended weeks of speculation today when he announced that celebrity magician and endurance artist David Blaine will be his appointee to become the next Junior Senator from New York, if and when the U.S. Senate confirms Hillary Rodham Clinton’s nomination to the position of Secretary of State.

The Governor explained, “In these times of economic uncertainty, when our country is at war and also facing crises involving energy, global warming, a crumbling infrastructure, healthcare – you name it — we need a Senator who is not afraid to take on challenges most would describe as ‘impossible’. David Blaine not only has a record of accepting challenges others might call ‘crazy’, but he has a solid record of accomplishing what popular consensus said couldn’t be done. The people of New York deserve nothing less. Change is coming to the United States Senate.”

Until now, Mr. Blaine has been best known for his unique brand of “street magic” and feats such as being confined underground in a plastic coffin for seven days and encased in ice (in Times Square) for over 63 hours – all of which were featured in prime-time specials on ABC-TV.

The future Senator, who’s confinement to a steamer trunk submerged in New York City’s East River rendered him unavailable for questions at the time of the Governor’s announcement, nonetheless issued a brief statement through a spokesman in the form of Morse code conveyed through his emergency cable.

“I am as honored as I am stunned by the Governor’s decision,” Mr. Blaine tugged, “When his people inquired about my availability, I just assumed it had to do with a kid’s birthday party.” In a flurry of long and short pulls, he went on to say, “But I pledge to the people of the great state of New York that they will never have to worry about their Senator’s whereabouts or if he is present for an important vote. It is my intention; from the moment my butt hits that great and honorable seat, to remain seated for the entire duration of my term. I won’t get up from it until the next Senator is there to replace me. The people deserve, and should expect, nothing less from David Blaine.”

When asked if he thought Senator Blaine could stay seated in one place for at least two years without so much as a “rest room break,” his spokesman replied, “Piece of cake. Have you seen some of the relics voters keep sending back to Congress? If the commissary isn’t selling Depends, IVs, catheters – all of that stuff – then someone’s really missing the boat.” On the subject of whether his being submerged underwater in a trunk was in preparation for a future stunt, the response was a simple, “No, just relaxing.”

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Obama Girls to Adopt Bill Clinton

In one of the more bizarre twists in recent political memory, Bill Clinton will be returning to The White House – not as ‘First Husband’ but as ‘First Pet’. At the same time, we have the answer to the most-asked question of the transition period: “What kind of dog will the Obama girls choose?”

And in a bit of historical irony, when hearing of Malia and Sasha Obama’s choice, both the President-Elect and Neo-Conservative icon Bill Kristol uttered identical sentiments, likely the only time this will ever occur, with independent responses of: “One thing’s for sure. If he’s gonna stay, he’s getting fixed.”

This is how events unfolded, as compiled by various news sources:

• Malia and Sasha Obama, at some unknown point, overheard part of a conversation where someone referred to former President Clinton as “… the most incredible hound to ever live in Washington…”

• After looking at videos of the former President, the girls agreed that his combination of white hair and dark circles under his eyes were “pretty cute for a big old hound” and Malia reportedly realized, when comparing their ages to his, that they would most likely be “all grown-up and moved-out” before they would “ever need to worry about scooping the poop”.

• The girls then called their father on his cell-phone, coincidentally this past Monday morning, as he was preparing for the news conference in which he introduced his National Security team. In attendance of course was Secretary of State Nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton who overheard enough, seized the moment, and jumped-in on the conversation.

“The poor guy didn’t have a prayer,” noted a member of the transition team, “When you have those adorable little girls in your right ear, and the former First Lady and future Secretary of State in your left, and they’re all going ‘please please please,’ what could any father do?”

“I’m delighted the girls chose him,” an effervescent Senator Clinton told reporters. “Bill loves kids and he loves the White House and the lawns… He’ll eat scraps from the great kitchen they have there, he’ll sleep on the floor at the foot of the President’s bed – for him it’s just like I had won.”

The former President seemed to be taking the unfolding developments in stride, joking with reporters and aides about “living in the dog house most of my married life” and “the vetting process” being “a major concern.”

The only person who seemed unhappy to have President Clinton returning to the White House in his obviously diminished new role was Robyn Coghlan, Chief of Protocol at the State Department. “This is a f*****g nightmare!” the nation’s Etiquette Czar told White House staff members. “It was enough of a problem that the former President was going to be the husband of the Secretary of State. Try and do a state dinner seating chart for that one. But now he’s going to be the President’s dog? Tradition calls for the Presidential pet to have no seat. Traditionally they have free reign of the floor under the table. But we can’t exactly have President Clinton roaming the floor under the table at formal functions and sniffing around – well, you know… It’s a f*****g nightmare!”

In other news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has been under fire for his remarks about being able to “smell the tourists” in the heat and humidity of the Washington summers, is shelving his $20 million proposal to install a delousing station in the newly-opened Capitol Visitors Center.

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