Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

News in Brief: March 3, 2009

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery
After American doctors refused to perform what they consider ‘unnecessary elective surgery’, conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh traveled to Canada today, where physicians report he is resting comfortably after a 54-minute operation. During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Mr. Limbaugh’s insurance company declined coverage after two medical opinions both concluded that with 44 months remaining until the next Presidential election, performing the surgery now would provide only temporary relief at best.

Fatah, Hamas Reach Accord on ‘Two State’ Solution
In a stunning development, officials representing rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah took only twelve minutes to hammer out an agreement on a ‘two state’ solution for disputed lands. Under their agreement, Fatah would control what are now defined as the ‘occupied territories’ on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. In return, Fatah would recognize Hamas as the legitimate government of all the territory currently referred to as ‘Israel’. Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was muted in her response, saying that while she has “serious reservations about the plausibility of this scenario,” she nonetheless appreciates, “this historic moment when two of the three major players finally agreed on something.”

Surprise Ruling in C.I.A. Interrogation Tapes Lawsuit
The federal judge presiding over the ACLU’s Freedom of Information Act suit today ordered C.I.A. interrogators to “re-enact to the best of their recollection, and based on their expertise and experience – and on each other, not detainees,” the interrogations of terror suspects that appeared on the 92 video tapes destroyed by the agency in 2005. C.I.A. attorneys are expected to appeal the ruling.

Commerce Department Overhauls Terminology
After the three largest automakers all reported February sales at least 40% below the same period one year ago, the Commerce Department announced changes to its reporting terminology that it claims will “better represent the reality of current economic times as well as produce numbers more likely to build consumer confidence.” Beginning next month, used car sales will be eliminated from the automotive sector report, and instead be incorporated into the statistics for ‘sales of existing homes’.

Only Available at The Desperate Blogger Superstore

Wednesday’s News In Brief

Jindal Top Choice to Deliver 2012 ‘Keynote Address’

DNC officials confirmed this afternoon that they have asked Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal to deliver the keynote address at the 2012 Democratic National Convention. Jindal, a Republican, became an overnight sensation among Democrats after his televised speech Tuesday evening. Originally billed as the ‘GOP response’ to President Obama’s national address, the speech is regarded by political experts to have more closely resembled a Sesame Street audition tape.

“Not since Barry Goldwater in 1964 has anyone made such a strong case to vote Democrat,” according to DNC Chairman Tim Kaine. “Unless he turns out to be their Presidential nominee, I can’t imagine a better way to jump-start our 2012 national campaign than to have a Republican leader like Bobby Jindal deliver our Keynote address.”

Iran Tests First Nuclear Power Plant

Using simulated fuel rods containing lead instead of uranium, Iran today conducted the first tests on its 1000-megawatt, Russian-built nuclear power plant. Western countries have long feared the plant is being used as a cover for Iranian pursuit of nuclear weapons.

“The Americans are long on suspicion and short on memory,” Iran’s President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters, “First of all, how do people expect us to provide power for our citizens in the long term? Second, anyone who can remember as far back as 1986 surely knows that the only serious threat posed by a Russian-built nuclear facility is to the population of the local and surrounding areas.”

GOP Reprimands Colorado State Senator

Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) was reprimanded by party officials today for comments he made on the floor of the State Senate regarding adultery. After ProgressNowColorado.org posted a video of Renfroe’s remarks during a floor debate over legislation that would grant same-sex spouses of state employees access to benefits, Party reaction was swift and severe. According to a Party spokesman, “While we of course support Senator Renfroe’s views equating homosexuals with murderers, he crossed the line when he said that we don’t have laws making adultery legal. We want to make it clear that our party has always supported adultery and long-championed many prominent adulterers. Senator Renfroe’s comments regarding adultery are inexcusable and will not be tolerated. We apologize to any heterosexual adulterers whom he may have offended.”

House Passes Resolution With Bipartisan Support

In what House Minority Leader John Boehner describes as “proof that the Democrats are falsely accusing us of playing partisan politics when it comes to the important issues facing our country,” the House overwhelmingly passed, by voice vote, ‘H.Res.18′, introduced on January 6 by the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. The resolution, “Honors the life and accomplishments of Paul Newman for his many contributions to American film, theater, and philanthropy.”

HAMAS, ISRAEL AGREE TO U.S.-BROKERED ACCORD

Israel to Cede All Land to Palestinians

Hamas Declares War on Egypt

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”

The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”

“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”

The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”

From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.

“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”