Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Mr. Peanut Commits Suicide

‘Farewell Address’ Indicates Possible Link to Widening Scandal

The lifeless remains of Mr. Peanut, the beloved icon and longtime face of Planters Corporation and, to many, all nuts, were found this afternoon at his Georgia estate. He was 87.

Authorities have ruled the death a suicide. A video, apparently recorded last night in his private office, was found next to the body.  The Medical Examiner’s office released a statement saying that preliminary indications suggest the cause of death was ‘Peappuku’, a traditional, very painful Japanese form of ritual suicide where the nut, in essence, shells itself.

Friends and family alike, although noticing recent changes in his behavior, were shocked and saddened by the news, particularly when it was revealed that his taped message contained vague language which might indicate that he was somehow involved in the widening ‘Peanut-gate’ scandal. (A transcript of his recorded message appears below.)

“He hadn’t been himself lately,” according to his publicist, M. Eileen O’Sullivan. “He kept referring to the salmonella outbreak and muttering to himself about ‘those poor people’ and his name being ‘dragged through the mud’ and asking himself ‘what’s the right thing to do?’.  Looking back, his demeanor had become increasingly salty, but I never expected something like this.”

Mr. Peanut is survived by his long-time companion, the Oscar Meyer Weiner. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. In lieu of flowers, relatives had requested that donations be made to the George Washington Carver Center.

Transcript of Mr. Peanut’s ‘Farewell Address’:

Good evening.

This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of peanuts. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the peanut industry.

In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for Planters and all peanuts. Throughout the long and difficult period of Peanutgate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which they entrusted me.

In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough base in the peanut community to justify continuing that effort… With the disappearance of that base, I now believe that there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of peanuts must always come before any personal considerations.

I have never been a quitter. To leave this world before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Mr. Peanut, I must put the interest of all peanuts first. America needs a full-time Peanut Ambassador and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad.

To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity at home.

Therefore, I shall end my life effective at noon tomorrow. Stewart Parnell of the Peanut Corp. of America will be sworn in at that hour in this office, and take the Fifth.

BAILEY A SUICIDE AFTER FED REJECTS BAILOUT FOR BUILDING & LOAN

Paulson, Bernanke Deflect Criticism

The sudden, tragic end of a banking icon sent shudders through a shocked nation yesterday as the depth of the current mortgage crisis hit home, even to millions who have so far been unaffected.

George Bailey was, for over 60 years, the ‘kind face’ of the mortgage industry. His story inspired three generations following the success of the 1946 Frank Capra movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”, the bio-pic that told the story of Bailey’s early life and his struggle, against seemingly insurmountable odds, to save his beloved Building & Loan during a much more localized lending crisis in the small town where his father had founded the bank when Bailey was a small child.

Bailey in happier times, with wife Mary and daughter Zuzu.

After receiving the news that the Building & Loan would not be allocated any emergency funding from the $700 billion set aside by the Federal government, Mr. Bailey reportedly jumped off of a local bridge into the frigid river below. His lifeless body was discovered some time later, ironically by local sheriff Bert Steward, III whose grandfather, ‘Officer Bert’ Steward (portrayed by Ward Bond in the Capra film) once helped to rescue Bailey from a similar attempt.

“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”

Even before the news of Bailey’s death became known, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson came under heavy fire from all quarters when they announced that there would be no lifeline for the struggling Building & Loan.

“George Bailey was a hero to millions,” an emotional Paulson told reporters upon hearing of the suicide, “And for me, his loss is a particularly personal one. George was also my best imaginary childhood friend. While his presence will be missed, I am comforted by the fact that our friendship will always endure. Of course at a time like this our thoughts and prayers go out to his family and all those who were close to him – especially the ones who are about to lose their homes.”

“Of course I was shocked and saddened to learn the fate of George Bailey,” Bernanke said in a prepared statement, “But it is my duty, even under these most tragic of circumstances, to defend the actions of the Fed. First, I cannot state strongly enough, it was the desire not only of myself but also of everyone involved to find some way to save the Building & Loan. Anyone who has ever met George Bailey would want to help him. That’s not just my opinion, but a fact well documented on film. But the harsh reality of the situation was that the Building & Loan operated in a manner that is no longer viable in today’s culture. As much as I always admired Mr. Bailey, his business practices – by today’s standards – were at best irresponsible, and at worst, criminal. The bank’s records, or more to the point its lack of responsible accounting records is appalling. You just can’t go around making loans based on ‘a handshake’ or ‘the word’ of your friends and neighbors and expect Uncle Sam to bail you out. We’re not anybody’s neighbor and we’re not anybody’s friend — we’re the United States Government.”

Funeral arrangements have not been announced.

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