Reaction to Levi Johnston’s ‘Today’ Show Appearance

PERSONALS:

Male satirist, mid-40s, behind in rent, enjoys old movies, sports, and free publicity, seeks post-statutory daughter of prominent and/or polarizing politician willing to commit to relationship through next national election.  Contact: TheDesperateBlogger.com

Limbaugh Sees Dem ‘Plot’ in Heinous Crime

While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.

“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”

According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.

Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”.  The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan.  He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”

Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections.  But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.

As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey.  “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”

Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem with everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

A Desperate Blogger Superstore Exclusive

CDC Update: ‘Elephant Flu’ Remains Potential Threat

Atlanta, GA –

The Centers for Disease Control have issued a public advisory regarding the human strain of the proboscidea influenza virus, more commonly known as ‘elephant flu’ or ‘GOP Virus’.

While considered ‘contained’ as of last November, the virus, which officials emphasize is non-life-threatening, remains, at the very least, a major public nuisance. While cases continue to be widespread throughout the country, the most affected areas continue to be in the South and upper Midwest, as indicated on the map shown below.

Since there are generally no outward physical signs that the victim is suffering from the illness, the CDC recommends that the public remain vigilant in recognizing its symptoms, which include:

• High fervor
• Delirium – many patients have shown difficulty in distinguishing schools, courthouses and government buildings from churches
• Increased anxiety and feelings of frustration
• Paranoia – generally manifested in fears reminiscent of historical ‘red-scares’
• Confusion – recent reports indicate victims purchasing tea bags even though they don’t drink tea

While there is no known cure for the disease, a good dose of common sense has shown to be an effective treatment. Unfortunately, it must often be administered forcibly, as those most seriously afflicted tend to be unable or unwilling to get over it.

Experts emphasize that there is no cause at present for alarm, pointing out that the number of registered cases continues to decline. But they warn that the public should remain vigilant, noting that the emergence of a more virulent strain could endanger civil liberties, the economy, and the overall progress and general well being of the country as a whole.

'Elephant Flu' (last updated November 2008) highly afflicted areas indicated in red

Obama Blamed for Swine Flu Outbreak

GOP Accuses President of ‘Twisted Health Care Stunt’

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his health care plan. While most stopped short of accusing him of intentionally contracting the potentially fatal illness, they nonetheless lambasted the President, characterizing the Administration’s swift, authoritative, and comprehensive response to the potential crisis as “a twisted political stunt”.

Rush Limbaugh, the ironically porcine and heavily medicated conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon, instructed his radio audience as well as the rest of the GOP, “Don’t let him get away with it! If everybody within the sound of my voice covered their mouths and noses with a white cloth – no, better yet, protect yourselves – dress entirely in white sheets, that’s it – white sheets, and take to the streets in a massive grass roots demonstration to let these infected D.C. liberals know that your children will only die socialist over your dead, influenza-ravaged corpse. Vaccines and flu shots belong to the majority of Americans with health insurance — after all, this is a democracy.   And don’t forget to bring tea. My mom always said with honey and lemon — it’ll suppress the cough enough to let those commie fascists hear your righteous outrage!”

Elsewhere, reaction from the ‘loyal opposition’ was more muted, if not less severe.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, relaxing during a brief respite from his ‘Spread a Little Sunshine’ interview tour, said he doesn’t believe the President would intentionally infect the American population with a potentially deadly virus, “… a fact which only makes us appear weak in the eyes of our enemies and threatens the safety of every American,” the Cree-P VP told reporters, adding, “and if he had allowed waterboarding to continue, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would probably have already confessed to masterminding an al Qaeda flu-plot and this whole situation may have been averted.”

Alabama Congressman Spencer Bachus blasted what he called a socialist plot to force universal health coverage down the already sore throats of frightened, flu-ridden voters, adding that he has compiled a list of seventeen members of the House of Representatives who have secretly received flu-shots since the President’s meeting with Mexican President Calderon.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) who under the tutelage of Karl Rove led the GOP’s successful fight to remove $870 million for ‘pandemic prevention’ from the Economic Stimulus Bill defended her position, saying only, “If I’d known ‘Typhoid Barry’ was going to travel to so many potentially infected areas outside of Washington, maybe I’d have done things differently, but nobody could have foreseen a major flu outbreak.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner issued only a brief statement through his office, which read: “It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

In other news:

White House military office director Louis Caldera apologized to New York City residents who were understandably disturbed when one of the 747s used by the President flew alarmingly low over the Statue of Liberty and the lower Manhattan area devastated by the 9/11 attacks for approximately 30 minutes this morning, in what was apparently nothing more than an Air Force photo-op.

“I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused,” he said, adding, “Normally we’d just use computer simulation, but our video game guy was off today.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who initially expressed outrage over the flight, accepted the White House apology, telling reporters, “There’s a lot more political mileage in this flu-scare thing.”

Cheney Calls for Probe of McCain, POWs

Former Vice President Dick Cheney stunned even some of his most ardent supporters this morning when he called for an investigation of Senator John McCain and other former prisoners of war.

In an interview on Fox News’ ‘Happening Now’, Cheney, appearing via satellite from his wartime residence known to the public as ‘An Undisclosed Location’, cited what he referred to as “the now-confirmed effectiveness” of harsh interrogation techniques “in obtaining reliable, actionable intelligence”.

“Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war,” the man affectionately called ‘Friendly-Fire’ by his hunting buddies told a visibly stunned Jon Scott, “And since putting all the cards on the table seems to be the flavor of the day, I say let’s get them in, put them under oath, and find out what they told our enemies, even if we have to break out the thumbscrews to do it.”

When asked why he chose to single out Senator McCain, a staunch ally of his administration and someone regarded as a national hero by Democrats and Republicans alike, the former Vice President, whose greatest disappointment ironically came when his fifth military deferment left him without sufficient time to serve in the Viet Nam War, responded with a terse, “Because Wainright is dead,” a reference to Medal of Honor recipient Gen. Jonathan Wainright, who survived more than three years in Japanese POW camps during World War II. “Look, we have no way of knowing how much damage has been done, and for all we know is still being done,”  the ‘Cree-P VP’ continued, “Haven’t you ever heard of MK-Ultra or seen The Manchurian Candidate?”

In what is believed to be an historic first, conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh quoted, albeit with only a minimal degree of accuracy, an article from the New York Times in his vociferous defense of McCain and other American POWs. “Torture methods used by Communists in the Korean War… wrung false confessions from Americans,” the porcine pill-popper bellowed in a critical tone normally reserved for legislation designed to help the poor, “So you see, it’s right there in black and white. These methods do not work on Americans.”

While response from Capitol Hill lawmakers on both sides of the aisle generally ranged from, “He must have been drinking” to “Somebody’s still putting that guy on the air?” — some suggested that Cheney’s concerns might bear closer scrutiny.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters, “While Senator McCain has my full support and confidence, I have suggested to his office that he might want to stay away from Intelligence Committee meetings until this thing blows over.”

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-AL) refused to either confirm or deny that McCain’s name appears on his secret list of socialists on Capitol Hill, saying only, “I’m confident that in due course we will rid our government of the Red Menace once and for all.”

Finally, House Minority Leader John Boehner’s (R-OH) office released the following statement:  “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

Now Available