Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

Sean Hannity Detained By Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. While Department policy prohibits disclosure regarding details of pending investigations, Paul Katz, an anonymous source familiar with the case confirmed that ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. The three choices given are military coup, armed rebellion, and war for secession. (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

“It wouldn’t be looked upon so seriously if at least one of the options listed was something like ‘social’ or ‘political’, or as foreign as it may be to the suspect, ‘sexual’,” according to Katz, “But since the only options provided to people who, by virtue of the fact that they follow this guy, I would remind you might charitably be described as ‘unstable’, we must take very seriously that, at best, he may be inciting violence, and at worst, he’s seeking the violent overthrow of the same government with which he had such an obvious infatuation until January 20th.”

“You must always be very careful dealing with someone experiencing feelings of rejection,” said Dr. Newton M. Toomey, a professor of criminology and adolescent psychology at Pueblo State University, “Rejection is the emotion most likely to lead to violent behavior. When dealing with individuals like Mr. Hannity and his disciples you have to take into consideration that not only was the personification of their ideals, and by transference them, so roundly and thoroughly rejected worldwide, but their idol’s replacement is perceived by many as being universally worshiped. They speak of revolution the same way a jilted lover speaks of murder or murder-suicide. This sort of cry for help should never be taken lightly, as these situations so often end tragically.”

No indication has been given as to how long Mr. Hannity will be detained or if any charges have been or are expected to be filed.

In other news:

Colorado State Troopers Nail Rogue Jaywalker

The Colorado State Patrol finally managed to track down 58-year-old fugitive Denver bus driver Jim Moffett. And when they finally got close enough to his bed in the St. Anthony Medical Center where he is being treated for bleeding in the brain, broken bones in his face, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and possible ruptured spleen and liver suffered when he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck just after pushing three people (including two elderly women) out of its path, the Troopers dispensed justice, ticketing the ‘wolf in good Samaritan’s clothing’ for jaywalking. State Senator and noted gay basher and religious fanatic Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) applauded the troopers for their courage and swift action, saying, “Jaywalking is a sin and an abomination and offense to God. This man got what he deserved. The summons is just icing on the cake.”

Hedge Fund Managers Fear Worst is Imminent

Hedge fund managers are bracing for the worst, as reports indicate the Obama Administration is expected to seek the closure of a tax loophole that would result in all of their income actually being taxed as income.

According to Thomas B. Edsall of The Huffington Post:

“The most common arrangement provides that fund managers get a) a fee of 2 percent of the value of the fund, whether it goes up or down – a fee on which they pay ordinary income tax rates of up to 35 percent; and b) 20 percent of the annual profits, on which they pay only a 15-percent capital-gains tax rate.”

With the loophole closed, based on the flimsy logic that because the managers are not risking their own money, their ‘commissions’ should be considered income as opposed to capital gains, a fund manager who increases the value of his investors’ portfolio by $500 million dollars would only get to keep $65 million of that portion of his compensation instead of $85 million.

“I’m afraid people might start jumping out of windows,” said market analyst Ima Dippe-Schitte, “It’s a lot harder to live on $65 million than 85.”

Today’s News in Brief

Pope Snubs Colbert
Citing “experience and qualifications,” Pope Benedict XVI today named Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, who in the last seven years has led the archdiocese of Milwaukee to two Final Four appearances, to succeed Cardinal Edward M. Egan as Archbishop of New York.  Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central’s ‘Colbert Report’, who in recent weeks had emerged as the front runner among Vatican watchers, was gracious in defeat. “Tim Dolan is fine Catholic who has a history of producing results – the guy’s a winner,” Colbert told Commonweal Magazine, “Until an appropriate opening becomes available, I’ll continue my pursuit of the Emmy for ‘Best Performance in a Variety or Music Program’ as well as a non-celibate lifestyle.”

Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain
Binyam Mohamed, who alleged he was tortured by U.S. interrogators during the 18 months he was detained in Morocco prior to being transferred to Guantanamo Bay, was finally released four months after all charges against him were dropped. “There was a lot of paperwork involved,” according to a Pentagon spokesman explaining the delay in Mohamed’s release, “We also needed time for our people to coerce his confession that he lied about having been tortured.”

Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors
A corporate spokesman denied rumors the software giant plans an expansion into the banking industry. Rumors began circulating after Microsoft sent letters to laid-off employees requesting that they return amounts “overpaid” to them in their severance packages due to “an inadvertent administrative error”. “Just because we gave too much money to unemployed people and act surprised they’re not giving it back doesn’t make us a bank,” the spokesman insisted.

‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced
Less than 24 hours after his film won eight Oscars including Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire Director Danny Boyle announced plans for a sequel, to be set in the United States. “We’re developing a script now, and expect to begin shooting in 12-18 months,” Boyle told a genuflecting Ryan Seacrest. “By then, pretty much any American city should do for a proper setting.”

Really. Proceeds go toward groceries.

Colbert ‘Top Candidate’ for Next Archbishop of New York

‘Color Blindness’ Key Factor

As reported in recent days by Newsmax, Pope Benedict XVI will shortly announce his choice for the next Archbishop of New York. According to the report, an anonymous Vatican source says that, “the Pope has chosen an archbishop who is ‘dynamic, conservative and orthodox’.” That quote has led to widespread speculation among Vatican watchers centering primarily around two top contenders: Archbishop Timothy Dolan of Milwaukee and prominent television personality Stephen Colbert.

Colbert, 44, an Emmy-winning Bill O’Reilly protege and New Jersey Sunday school teacher, has, according to insiders, emerged as a strong contender on the strength of his New York ties and his self-described ‘color blindness’, a term used to describe his ability to ignore skin color in his dealings with others.

‘His Holiness believes it is important to send a clear message that the Church is moving forward and will remain in-step with the times,” according to an anonymous source close to the process, “And embracing high level leadership that goes so far as to not even acknowledge race will probably create a more positive image of the Church than embracing those who deny the Holocaust has done.”

What some consider an indication that Colbert may in fact be the Pontiff’s choice are reports that have surfaced where witnesses have described seeing the Pope “practicing his finger wag in the mirror”. Pope Benedict, long a fan of the regular ‘Colbert Report’ segment ‘Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger’ is said to have long admired Colbert’s admonishing finger wag technique.

Confronted with questions regarding the fact that Colbert has never been ordained, and is, in fact, married with three children, the source told reporters, “These are not necessarily disqualifying factors. His Holiness recognizes that positions such as this often require a fine balance between the political and the ecumenical. As a former presidential candidate, and perhaps even more so as a Sunday school teacher, Mr. Colbert will be prepared to deal with whatever Church politics he may have to face. And as a popular television personality, His Holiness must also consider his ability to ‘put the butts in the seats’ every Sunday. With the financial crisis already forcing the closure of fourteen of our schools in New York City, the diocese could benefit greatly from ‘The Colbert Bump’. As far as him having children, that could work out in his favor as well. If the Archbishop has children, conventional wisdom says it’s much less likely to be revealed later that he’s ‘had children’, if you get my drift.”

A spokesman for Comedy Central told reporters that Mr. Colbert was, “being fitted for robes and [was] unavailable for comment”. He added that the wardrobe fitting had nothing to do with the possibility of his Church appointment, but did reveal that the network is in the initial planning stages for a possible holiday season special tentatively titled “A Colbert Christmas II: Archbishop Stephen Rocks St. Patrick’s”.

In a related story, sources close to Caroline Kennedy flatly denied as untrue reports that Ms. Kennedy had contacted Vatican officials to express her interest in the vacant Archbishop post.

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NORM COLEMAN TO CHALLENGE STEPHEN COLBERT

Seeks to ‘Cement Place in History’

The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) announced today that Norm Coleman, the former Democratic Mayor of St. Paul, former Republican Senator from Minnesota, and current Brooklyn-born Jewish private citizen will host a music and variety special scheduled to air on CBN during the May ‘Sweeps’ week. It is widely believed that Mr. Coleman will be the network’s first-ever featured performer to hail from New York City.

‘Music From the Malls with Norm Coleman’ will feature a variety of performances, both live and pre-recorded, from the Mall in Washington D.C., Coleman’s most recent home, and the Mall of America in his resident home state of Minnesota. The common thread of the performers to be featured will be that, like Coleman, all were also once considered prominent.

“This is a great opportunity for Norm to cement his place in history,” said Cullen Sheehan, Coleman’s campaign manager. “This show represents the perfect vehicle to showcase his broad range of talents and earn him an Emmy nomination. While losing a gubernatorial election to a pro wrestler and an incumbent Senate seat to a comedian are solid losing credentials, being the first to lose the Emmy to Stephen Colbert would, we feel, establish Norm Coleman as the United States’ pre-eminent loser.”

According to New York based political strategist Tony Vita, Coleman already holds a unique place as a losing public figure. “It takes an extraordinarily rare individual to accomplish what he has already,” Mr. Vita explained, “To consistently be nominated to high office and almost as consistently lose, particularly to weak and/or inexperienced opposition, is the political equivalent of being superficially likable enough to regularly be a member of wedding parties, yet personally disagreeable enough to never sustain a close personal relationship.” Mr. Vita is also confident that the former Senator’s current goal is attainable. “When you look at the reality of ‘superficial’ gets you nominated but ‘substance’ gets you elected, the fields of politics and entertainment suddenly have a lot more in common than most people realize. I expect his campaign people to hit the ground running, and with Conservative Evangelical Christian money and media behind him, recent trends suggest that he should both get nominated and lose.”

According to Sheehan, the decision to go after the Emmy nomination was not made lightly by either Senator Coleman or his advisers. “See that, you just referred to him as ‘Senator’ — people remember him for the one blemish on his otherwise exemplary record of losing, but they forget that he was a shoe-in to lose until Fate intervened in the eleventh hour,” he admonished the reporters present, “Norm Coleman has reached a point in his career that every outstanding politician reaches sooner or later. He needs to consider his legacy. He needs to know he has somehow raised the bar for those who will follow him. This will be his crowning achievement. This is what future generations will read about.”

The ‘blemish’ on Coleman’s record referenced by Mr. Sheehan was, of course, Mr. Coleman’s victory in the 2002 Senatorial election. Coleman was expected to lose comfortably to incumbent Democrat Paul Wellstone, who was tragically killed in a plane crash shortly before the election. Democratic officials named former Vice President Walter Mondale as a last-minute replacement for Wellstone on the ballot, but despite what insiders refer to as ‘Herculean efforts’ on the part of Coleman, he still fell 2.1% of the vote short of becoming the first candidate to lose to Mondale since 1976.

In other news, an agreement has been reached among Republican Senate leaders seeking to bar Al Franken from being seated, Democratic Senate leaders seeking to bar Roland Burris from being seated, and representatives of Franken and Burris. According to the agreement, before the first session of the new Senate is called to order Tuesday morning, two seats will be removed from the Chamber. The National Anthem will then be played, and when the music stops, the two Senators left standing will be removed from the session.

Norm for Emmy Nomination

HAMAS, ISRAEL AGREE TO U.S.-BROKERED ACCORD

Israel to Cede All Land to Palestinians

Hamas Declares War on Egypt

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”

The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”

“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”

The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”

From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.

“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”

DB Editorial: Uncomfortable with ‘Gay Crush’ on Rick Warren

O.K. faithful readers and readers ‘of faith’, how about a quick show of hands: If not for the extensive coverage (during an otherwise slow news week) of the disappointment and outrage expressed by Pro-Choice and Gay Rights groups over the President-elect’s choice of Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at next month’s inauguration, how many would even be aware that there was an invocation delivered at Presidential inaugurations, let alone give it a second thought?

[Please put your hands down now - people are going to wonder who the crazy person looking at the computer with a raised arm is...]

First, to get a couple of things out in the open:

1. I am a strong advocate for the separation of church and state. The Holy Roman Empire ended badly, the Church of England has caused more than a bit of a ruckus, and I don’t see a lot of people planning their next vacation in the Islamic Republic of Iran.
2. I also don’t understand why it’s so God-awful important to so many people to have “Thou shalt not kill” and the other nine Commandments, only one of which is actually law, prominently displayed over the heads of judges, particularly in courts where capital cases are heard.
3. I try to limit my adversarial discussions on the abortion issue to Pro-Lifers who have adopted at least one otherwise unwanted child simply because the mother chose not to keep it rather than out of their own desire to be a parent. I always have time and respect for people who put their money where their mouth is whether they agree with me or not.
4. My girlfriend and I are from different religious backgrounds. No church will marry us. We acknowledge and respect this as their right. But I’m still waiting to hear a reasonable, non-faith based argument as to what makes me so special that I have the civil right to marry the person of my choice while other (generally more) responsible adults do not, simply because I am a man and have chosen a woman with questionable judgment.
5. ‘Proposition 8′ is blatantly discriminatory and should, [and I believe will] be overturned by the judiciary. For those who argue that ‘we are a democracy and if the majority support a law their decision should be final’, I remind you of two things: First, the United States is not a democracy, it is a republic. If you don’t believe me, kindly refer to the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’. [Hint: It shows up shortly before ‘God'.] Second, we should be more honest with ourselves. If majority opinion were the rule of law, we probably still wouldn’t have a Black voter, never mind a Black President-elect.

Now that you have a clearer picture of where I’m coming from, let’s get back to this sordid business of the Pastor and the President-elect…

Why is anyone disappointed, shocked or outraged? I heard a leading Gay Rights activist yesterday saying, “…Barack Obama has closed the door on us…” Pro-Choice groups are up in arms because Mr. Warren is an anti-abortion rights advocate.

I hate to say this, my ‘glass-half-empty’ friends, but lighten up. We’re talking about a two-minute invocation, not a Cabinet appointment. It’s time to remind ourselves that we’re not going to be ‘the opposition’ any more. There’s really going to be a President who supports our causes. So what if he has Rick Warren, a conservative pastor, doing the invocation? He has Joseph Lowery, a liberal minister doing the benediction, and Pepper & Rosenberger, a moderate caterer, doing the refreshments. What’s the big deal?

The President-elect, during the transition, has clearly demonstrated that he intends, as promised, to govern from the ‘center out’, not from the ‘left in’. He is not closing his door on his supporters; he is demonstrating that, unlike his predecessors, it is open to his opponents. The ‘new opposition’ is going to be treated the way we always felt we should have been. Isn’t that a refreshing change?

Fair is Fair

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