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Limbaugh Sees Dem ‘Plot’ in Heinous Crime

While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.

“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”

According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.

Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”.  The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan.  He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”

Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections.  But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.

As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey.  “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”

Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Bernie Behaving Badly?

Corrections Officials in Quandary

Federal Department of Corrections officials were left scratching their heads this morning trying to formulate a response to perhaps the most unexpected twist yet in the Bernard Madoff case.

“Was he threatening to commit more crimes, or was he merely expressing a form of appreciation in the only way he knows how? That’s what we need to figure out,” according to Corrections Department spokesperson M. Eileen O’Sullivan.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Bernie was just being Bernie. When he likes someone, he offers them help in the only way he knows how,” explained Madoff defense attorney Ira Lee Sorkin, “After this long process, he was merely acknowledging the hard work and dedication of the judge and the Justice Department as a whole.”

It all began shortly after Judge Denny Chin sentenced the poster-boy for Wall Street misanthropy to 150 years in prison. Madoff, who presumably will be 221 years old after serving his sentence and any possible parole because God has refused repeated requests to take him, asked to address the Court one final time. After permission was granted, a smiling, friendly sounding Madoff expressed his appreciation for the “fine work” done by Judge Chin and the prosecution, as well as his “profound appreciation for the years of dedicated service that have brought us all here together at this time.”

“Nobody appreciates the hard work and dedication of others more than I do,” the future license plate machinist continued, “and I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!”

Mr. Madoff was then escorted back across the street to the Metropolitan Correctional Center where officials say he will undergo further evaluation before being served green Jell-O “with fruit or something” in it.

“Personally, I don’t believe there was any intended or even implied threat in his statement,” former FBI profiler and Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey told The Desperate Blogger. “Rather it appears that due to the long term effects of the stress inherent in his personal situation, and perhaps related fatigue, his brain just kicked into auto-pilot. He simply said what is to him to be the most comfortable, natural, and familiar things he has always told people he barely knows. That being said, however, I would strongly advise any future cellmates or other prisoners incarcerated with Mr. Madoff to keep their cigarettes in their mattresses.”

In other news…

Health insurance industry executives today expressed concern over any “public option” as part of national healthcare reform, citing fears that the bureaucrats who currently come between doctors and patients will all apply to work for the government plan in order to receive better benefits.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem with everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

A Desperate Blogger Superstore Exclusive

Manny Ramirez is ‘Octomom’ Surrogate

Embattled baseball superstar Manny Ramirez stunned a Los Angeles press conference today when he “came clean” about the presence in his system of human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced by embryos during pregnancy.

“I’m carrying my friend Nadia’s next litter,” he told a visibly shaken group of reporters clearly unaccustomed to hearing such personal confessions from all-star left fielders, “We’re going to be mamas.”

Ramirez and Ms. Suleman, though a most unlikely pair, nonetheless quickly developed a strong friendship after meeting in early February during a taping of the popular TV reality series ‘LA’s Most Unstable”. While both share strong passions for both children and baseball, Ramirez insists their relationship is purely platonic. “Manny Ramirez is not a cheater – not in baseball, and not in marriage,” he insisted. “Nadia’s my sister… my BFF. And after these kids come, God willing, between the two of us, we’ll have just about enough to fill a roster. Besides, Nadia’s proven to me what I’ve always believed, and that I’m feeling now in ways I never imagined possible – becoming a mother is the most fulfilling experience a man can have.”

Ramirez went on to apologize again to team and fans alike for what he called the “unfortunate timing” of his suspension, reiterating that he was unaware that any problems might ensue. He further added, “I’d planned to play the rest of the season if at all possible, but I guess it’s probably better I stay off my feet for a while.”

He also defended his Octomom BFF from some of her harshest critics, saying “… people can stop complaining about taxpayers footing the bill for her. Even with the suspension, I can afford to take care of everyone — and our second team too.”

Reaction from the baseball community was mixed. Most of Ramirez’ current Los Angeles Dodger teammates simply shrugged their shoulders saying, “That’s just Manny being Manny”. His former Boston Red Sox teammates shared a much broader scope of viewpoints, however, ranging from, “deep down, he’s always been a ‘mother’,” to “the hormones of a pregnant woman explains a lot”.

Admit it...

CDC Update: ‘Elephant Flu’ Remains Potential Threat

Atlanta, GA –

The Centers for Disease Control have issued a public advisory regarding the human strain of the proboscidea influenza virus, more commonly known as ‘elephant flu’ or ‘GOP Virus’.

While considered ‘contained’ as of last November, the virus, which officials emphasize is non-life-threatening, remains, at the very least, a major public nuisance. While cases continue to be widespread throughout the country, the most affected areas continue to be in the South and upper Midwest, as indicated on the map shown below.

Since there are generally no outward physical signs that the victim is suffering from the illness, the CDC recommends that the public remain vigilant in recognizing its symptoms, which include:

• High fervor
• Delirium – many patients have shown difficulty in distinguishing schools, courthouses and government buildings from churches
• Increased anxiety and feelings of frustration
• Paranoia – generally manifested in fears reminiscent of historical ‘red-scares’
• Confusion – recent reports indicate victims purchasing tea bags even though they don’t drink tea

While there is no known cure for the disease, a good dose of common sense has shown to be an effective treatment. Unfortunately, it must often be administered forcibly, as those most seriously afflicted tend to be unable or unwilling to get over it.

Experts emphasize that there is no cause at present for alarm, pointing out that the number of registered cases continues to decline. But they warn that the public should remain vigilant, noting that the emergence of a more virulent strain could endanger civil liberties, the economy, and the overall progress and general well being of the country as a whole.

'Elephant Flu' (last updated November 2008) highly afflicted areas indicated in red

Organizers Needed for ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’

Must Understand Difference Between ‘Protesting’ and ‘Tea-Bagging’

A ‘Please-Steal-This-Idea’ Call to Action from TheDesperateBlogger.com

To Anyone Tiring of FOX-News:

1. Claiming to be “Fair and Balanced”
2. Promoting events supporting their agenda instead of merely reporting on them
3. Involving themselves in the political process instead of merely reporting on it
4. Representing GOP materials as their own research (http://mediamatters.org/items/200902100019)
5. Lying to support “fair and balanced” claim (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/13/foxs-cavuto-claims-networ_n_186156.html)
6. Representing themselves as ‘patriotic’ under Republican administration, then advocating violent overthrow of Obama administration (a.k.a. ‘treason’) (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

The time has come for a response they can understand! (i.e. numbers, not words)

While ‘Tea-Bagging’ is still against the law in many places, exercising freedom of speech in a good old-fashioned protest is not. And since the ‘Un-Silent Minority’ doesn’t seem to understand what any of these terms actually means, it is incumbent upon their fellow citizens to teach them – well at least the ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘good old-fashioned protest’ parts.

I encourage anyone reading this to take it and run with it. (ADHD has rendered me a disorganized mess…)

This country is in desperate need of Anti-FOX-News/Pro-Obama Agenda ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’ with turnouts that overwhelm the attendance numbers of the Fox-promoted Tea-Bagging sideshows.

They may not understand the Constitution, but they understand numbers. It is time they be shown that blatant hypocrisy and total disregard for integrity have no place in the ‘News’ business.

To Our Loyal Reader(s)

Believe it or not, our lone writer (yours truly) will be ‘on assignment’, as they say, until mid-April, which is really cool as it might actually lead to some fresh fruit and vegetables.

I hope to post a few items during this time, but as you may have noticed recently, they will be much more infrequent.  We’ll be back to our somewhat normal schedule after April 15th.

For your convenience, you can e-mail us at: TheDesperateBlogger@gmail.com to request a free e-mail subscription.  All personal information is kept strictly confidential.

Thanks for your patience and continued support.  And while you’re waiting, buy something dammit!

Today’s News in Brief

GOP Lawmakers Added to Endangered Species List
President Obama today signed an Executive Order adding GOP Lawmakers to the list of endangered species after last night’s vote on the Economic Recovery Plan revealed that only three Republicans remain in Washington who are actually making laws.

Search for Commerce Secretary Continues
The list of possible candidates narrowed yesterday after New York Governor David Paterson requested that Caroline Kennedy’s name be withdrawn from consideration.

National Peanut Corp. Files Chapter 7
After Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner refused to consider their request for government assistance in dealing with their toxic assets, company president Stewart ‘The Fifth’ Parnell declared that the company is now financially, as well as morally, bankrupt.

Phelps Apology Tour Continues
After Friday’s apology to the people of China, the Olympic champion today apologized to commercial marijuana growers, saying, “I made a serious error in judgment smoking ‘homegrown’ provided by the friend who photographed me smoking it. For that, I am truly sorry.”

Mascot Tests Positive for Growth Hormone
Lawyers for the San Diego Chicken are challenging the results of tests showing the presence of CGH (Chicken Growth Hormone) in his system, arguing that more than 90% of poultry in the United States is, “born that way”.