CIA Cancels Second Covert Assassination Program

Just days after the United States and the rest of the world was left to grapple with the realization that the Bush administration actually sought to protect the country’s national security above and beyond the collective imagination by secretly having the CIA spend nearly eight years planning to possibly capture and/or assassinate al Qaeda leaders, another Langley, Virginia-based bombshell fell squarely on Capitol Hill today, sending the still-reeling public in to the same state of shock and awe usually reserved for the nation’s enemies.

In an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

“It seems clear to me, after reading the reports and examining the progress made to date, that it would be irresponsible for the Agency to continue spending millions of taxpayer dollars every year planning an action that it is increasingly obvious will be performed by God before we ever come up with a viable plan,” Panetta told the tearful committee members.

The announcement came as a shock to lawmakers, many of whom expressed outrage at the fact that they had not been briefed by any of the intelligence services who they claim had a moral, if not legal, obligation to inform them that Castro was still alive.

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault,” according to House minority leader John Boehner, “I think it’s safe to assume that having such a liberal ascend to the position of House Speaker has given Fidel a reason to hang on.”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went even farther, telling sobbing Fox News host Glenn Beck, “I think this sends the wrong message. Now is not the time for the United States to be perceived as soft on communism. I’ll bet Khrushchev is sitting in the Kremlin right now laughing his butt off at us.”

Representative Spencer Bachus (R-AL), who has already compiled a secret list of 17 socialists currently serving in the House of Representatives, called for the formation of a new ‘Un-American Activities Committee’ to investigate the infiltration of socialists into the CIA and other agencies, adding that at an early stage in his own private investigation, he already has compiled a secret list of 24 names in the CIA alone.

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

Obama Blamed for Swine Flu Outbreak

GOP Accuses President of ‘Twisted Health Care Stunt’

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his health care plan. While most stopped short of accusing him of intentionally contracting the potentially fatal illness, they nonetheless lambasted the President, characterizing the Administration’s swift, authoritative, and comprehensive response to the potential crisis as “a twisted political stunt”.

Rush Limbaugh, the ironically porcine and heavily medicated conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon, instructed his radio audience as well as the rest of the GOP, “Don’t let him get away with it! If everybody within the sound of my voice covered their mouths and noses with a white cloth – no, better yet, protect yourselves – dress entirely in white sheets, that’s it – white sheets, and take to the streets in a massive grass roots demonstration to let these infected D.C. liberals know that your children will only die socialist over your dead, influenza-ravaged corpse. Vaccines and flu shots belong to the majority of Americans with health insurance — after all, this is a democracy.   And don’t forget to bring tea. My mom always said with honey and lemon — it’ll suppress the cough enough to let those commie fascists hear your righteous outrage!”

Elsewhere, reaction from the ‘loyal opposition’ was more muted, if not less severe.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, relaxing during a brief respite from his ‘Spread a Little Sunshine’ interview tour, said he doesn’t believe the President would intentionally infect the American population with a potentially deadly virus, “… a fact which only makes us appear weak in the eyes of our enemies and threatens the safety of every American,” the Cree-P VP told reporters, adding, “and if he had allowed waterboarding to continue, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would probably have already confessed to masterminding an al Qaeda flu-plot and this whole situation may have been averted.”

Alabama Congressman Spencer Bachus blasted what he called a socialist plot to force universal health coverage down the already sore throats of frightened, flu-ridden voters, adding that he has compiled a list of seventeen members of the House of Representatives who have secretly received flu-shots since the President’s meeting with Mexican President Calderon.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) who under the tutelage of Karl Rove led the GOP’s successful fight to remove $870 million for ‘pandemic prevention’ from the Economic Stimulus Bill defended her position, saying only, “If I’d known ‘Typhoid Barry’ was going to travel to so many potentially infected areas outside of Washington, maybe I’d have done things differently, but nobody could have foreseen a major flu outbreak.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner issued only a brief statement through his office, which read: “It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

In other news:

White House military office director Louis Caldera apologized to New York City residents who were understandably disturbed when one of the 747s used by the President flew alarmingly low over the Statue of Liberty and the lower Manhattan area devastated by the 9/11 attacks for approximately 30 minutes this morning, in what was apparently nothing more than an Air Force photo-op.

“I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused,” he said, adding, “Normally we’d just use computer simulation, but our video game guy was off today.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who initially expressed outrage over the flight, accepted the White House apology, telling reporters, “There’s a lot more political mileage in this flu-scare thing.”

Alberto Gonzales Named Attorney General of Sudan

Other Bush Officials May Follow AG ‘From Cartoon to Khartoum’

President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan announced that Alberto Gonzales has accepted his offer to become Sudan’s next Attorney General as well as a Presidential Special Counsel.

“In spite of the fact that he was employed by an infidel, imperialist regime that sought to colonize us, I am most pleased that Mr. Gonzales has accepted this most crucial position in our government,” Mr. Bashir told a captive audience of freelance journalists Friday afternoon, “He shares the values and priorities of this administration, and is an innovative thinker and noted scholar on the legal, moral, and social issues Sudan now faces.”

“I never dreamed I’d be voluntarily leaving my beloved homeland,” a choked-up Gonzales told a fidgety Career Day gathering of 5th graders at Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna Elementary School in San Antonio, “But the decision was made easier after talking to senior Sudan justice officials and learning that everyone there easily passes what I like to call ‘the Bush test’. From day one I’ll have a great, loyal crew working on the county’s business. I won’t need to fire anybody. Additionally, I have also been assured of a direct flight from the United States.”

“The direct flight, believe it or not, could have been a deal breaker,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “Sudan may be the only country where Mr. Gonzales would not have to worry about being either tried or extradited to face trial for war crimes. This is what you’d call a ‘great career move’ for him.”

“It’s also a logical move for Bashir,” human rights expert Bridget Duncan told the Los Angeles Times, “In legal circles, Alberto Gonzales is considered the modern-day father of both Civil Rights Nullification and Atrocities Justification, a rare combination which fits the needs of Sudan’s present government perfectly.”

In a related story, it is also anticipated that Bashir will soon announce the hiring of another former Bush administration official, former FEMA director Michael D. Brown. If he accepts the newly created cabinet-level position, Brown will be responsible for coordinating Darfur relief efforts in place of the 13 international aid agencies Bashir expelled from the country in retaliation for Wednesday’s war crimes indictment issued against him by International Criminal Court in The Hague.

In Other News:

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he will not accept the $438 million of additional aid pledged by the Obama Administration for Katrina reconstruction, saying, “In the first place, it’s too late. The government failed us once already, and I’m not going to give them a chance to do it again. And second, no word pisses off Louisiana Republicans more than ‘reconstruction’.”

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Wednesday’s News In Brief

Jindal Top Choice to Deliver 2012 ‘Keynote Address’

DNC officials confirmed this afternoon that they have asked Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal to deliver the keynote address at the 2012 Democratic National Convention. Jindal, a Republican, became an overnight sensation among Democrats after his televised speech Tuesday evening. Originally billed as the ‘GOP response’ to President Obama’s national address, the speech is regarded by political experts to have more closely resembled a Sesame Street audition tape.

“Not since Barry Goldwater in 1964 has anyone made such a strong case to vote Democrat,” according to DNC Chairman Tim Kaine. “Unless he turns out to be their Presidential nominee, I can’t imagine a better way to jump-start our 2012 national campaign than to have a Republican leader like Bobby Jindal deliver our Keynote address.”

Iran Tests First Nuclear Power Plant

Using simulated fuel rods containing lead instead of uranium, Iran today conducted the first tests on its 1000-megawatt, Russian-built nuclear power plant. Western countries have long feared the plant is being used as a cover for Iranian pursuit of nuclear weapons.

“The Americans are long on suspicion and short on memory,” Iran’s President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters, “First of all, how do people expect us to provide power for our citizens in the long term? Second, anyone who can remember as far back as 1986 surely knows that the only serious threat posed by a Russian-built nuclear facility is to the population of the local and surrounding areas.”

GOP Reprimands Colorado State Senator

Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) was reprimanded by party officials today for comments he made on the floor of the State Senate regarding adultery. After ProgressNowColorado.org posted a video of Renfroe’s remarks during a floor debate over legislation that would grant same-sex spouses of state employees access to benefits, Party reaction was swift and severe. According to a Party spokesman, “While we of course support Senator Renfroe’s views equating homosexuals with murderers, he crossed the line when he said that we don’t have laws making adultery legal. We want to make it clear that our party has always supported adultery and long-championed many prominent adulterers. Senator Renfroe’s comments regarding adultery are inexcusable and will not be tolerated. We apologize to any heterosexual adulterers whom he may have offended.”

House Passes Resolution With Bipartisan Support

In what House Minority Leader John Boehner describes as “proof that the Democrats are falsely accusing us of playing partisan politics when it comes to the important issues facing our country,” the House overwhelmingly passed, by voice vote, ‘H.Res.18′, introduced on January 6 by the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. The resolution, “Honors the life and accomplishments of Paul Newman for his many contributions to American film, theater, and philanthropy.”

U.S., Al Qaeda Near Major Trade Agreement

Report: Cheney Headed to ‘Tribal Region’

In what both sides are claiming as a major step toward victory in the War on Terror, sources confirmed today that a deal is in the works in which the United States would send former Vice President Dick Cheney to al Qaeda in exchange for Osama bin Laden and ‘future considerations’, reported to be two lower-level terrorists, the stature of which will be contingent upon bin Laden’s determined value to the U.S. after the next election season. According to a source close to the negotiations, the deal is considered “all but done” after both sides agreed to eliminate a standard clause that makes any trade contingent on both players passing physicals.

The final obstacle, expected to be resolved today, is the $50 million the United States has, until now, offered as a ‘reward’ for bin Laden’s apprehension. Scott Boras, Cheney’s agent, maintains that it should go to his client, arguing that, “As of January 20, Dick’s ‘no-trade’ clause has been in effect. He can veto any deal, and thus should be rewarded for waiving the clause.” Boras also expressed anger with al Qaeda for breaking the story early, saying he “had planned on releasing a statement to the media during the historic Senate vote on the economic stimulus bill.”

Disagreeing with Boras about the $50 million are both al Qaeda’s future leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri and White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel was quoted as saying, “… No-trade clause my a** – just because he doesn’t work in Washington anymore doesn’t mean his f*****g Dr. Strangelove-looking a** doesn’t still belong to the American people… He should have been f*****g shipped out a long f*****g time ago… If he and his f*****g agent think he’s entitled to that f*****g money, they can kiss my f*****g a**.”

A comparatively subdued al-Zawahiri told reporters, “We are so thrilled at the prospect of having Dick Cheney’s talents here, where they rightfully belong, that our position is this: Let the imperialist, capitalist infidels keep their money. It’s going to be worthless soon enough anyway.”

When asked what prompted him to initiate the talks that led to this blockbuster deal through one of al Qaeda’s thousands of emissaries in Saudi Arabia, al-Zawahiri explained:

“We’re a small market team playing in the big leagues. We have to work with a fraction of the budget the traditional powers have. We can’t afford the firepower they can. We have to rely primarily on scouting, coaching, and the dedication of our team. As much as we’d love to kill millions of Americans, we have to be realistic. To emerge victorious in the long run, our best strategy is to keep the average American terrified – after all, isn’t that what terrorism is ultimately about? If they are scared enough, the imperialistic, capitalist infidels will bankrupt their country and forfeit their ‘precious freedom’ in the hope that this will protect them. So when a man with Dick Cheney’s extraordinary gifts becomes available, you have to pull the trigger, so to speak. We, of course, will miss our dear Osama tremendously. He has been a leader and an inspiration. But the fact remains that when he speaks, Americans feel ‘uneasy’. When Dick speaks, they become terrified. Ultimately, that’s what we’re in business for. Add to that what he can teach our younger players about treatment of prisoners and interrogation techniques, and it makes this deal a no-brainer for our organization.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, sports analyst and counter-terrorism expert Paul Sokoloff, who was once employed by ‘Alex Station’, the CIA task force dedicated to bin Laden’s capture that was disbanded in 2005, commented, “This is a great deal for both sides. When it comes to terrifying the masses, al Qaeda gets the game’s pre-eminent ‘closer’. And I’m sure the guys who’ve been looking all these years are anxious to get this Osama guy in for debriefing. They couldn’t ask for anyone better to provide them with intelligence on bin Laden’s plans and whereabouts.”

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BUSH ORDERS RETALIATORY AIR STRIKES AGAINST CANADA

Declares ‘War on Avian Terror’

President Bush, citing intelligence reports linking al Qaeda to a vast Canadian ‘suicide bird’ training network, today ordered air strikes against 6-8 suspected aviaries and wildlife preserves in Canada as retaliation for the apparent suicide geese attack against U.S. Airways flight 1549 this afternoon. “I know nobody was killed, thank God,” the visibly angry lame-duck told a hastily convened White House press conference, “but that was due to the heroic efforts of the pilot and crew. It’s obvious that the intention of these foul fowl was to kill Americans. Besides, do you have any idea of the impact on rush hour traffic?”

The President also had a stern warning for Canada as well as any other countries that might harbor what he referred to as “extremist terror nests”: “Our actions will be swift, and they will be severe,” he emphasized, “and your birds and larger flying insects are either with us or they are against us. But let me be perfectly clear about one thing — and you can mark my words on this — we will exterminate them over there so we won’t have to exterminate them over here.”

The President then outlined intelligence reports indicating that in recent months, suspected al Qaeda operatives had approached both government officials and black market sources in Canada, Greenland, and several Central and South American countries “in an effort to procure large numbers of dangerous birds which they would use to bring American air traffic to a standstill.” He also added, “And I think anybody who’s seen that Hitchcock movie knows their long-term agenda is probably even more sinister.”

CIA spokesman Christopher Toomey told reporters, “They fill the heads of these young birds with anti-West rhetoric, suggesting we commit such atrocities as eating their young, even their unborn. They tell them we keep their relatives locked up in cages. Then they teach them that if they die as martyrs, they will go to a place where the streets are paved with stale bread and that they will each be rewarded with 72 statues. The little pea-brains don’t stand a chance.”

A Pentagon spokesman would not confirm the number or locations of the targeted facilities, saying only that they were primarily in remote areas where “anybody around there on a Thursday afternoon won’t be missed.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who convened an emergency session of Parliament, was unavailable for comment, though an anonymous source close to the situation in Ottawa reports, “there is a general consensus, given the current global state of affairs, that Canada should immediately surrender and request foreign aid.”

Robert Gibbs, Barack Obama’s press secretary, issued a brief, prepared statement emphasizing the President-Elect’s previously stated [ad nauseam] position that “there is only one President at a time.” One transition team member, speaking on condition of anonymity, later added, “It never made sense to me that the President isn’t sworn-in earlier along with the rest of the government, but I never dreamed it would come back to bite us in the ass like this.”

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REID: ECONOMY, PEACE “WILL HAVE TO WAIT”

Ego Issue Top Priority for Senate

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced today that the Senate’s, “top, and only priority, will be to resolve the Burris and Franken matters before proceeding to any of those other minor issues people seem to be so pre-occupied with.” According to Senator Reid, “The United States Senate is considered perhaps the most exclusive club in the world, and we’ve got some serious membership issues here. The ‘little people’ are just going to have to wait.”

First up: The Membership Committee will meet Thursday with Roland Burris, embattled-but-still Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s legitimate appointee to fill the seat vacated by President-Elect Obama. Mr. Burris, “has graciously agreed to answer any and all questions put to him by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers,” Reid revealed at a morning press conference, “so that should kill at least a couple of days.” He then continued, “But we want to make it clear from the outset, as Mr. Burris himself told us right up front that he also understands, race is absolutely not an issue here – not with Mr. Burris, who I’ve just spoken with and is obviously a credit to his people — and not with the two Jews from Minnesota either.”

In fact, according to an anonymous Membership Committee official, the fact that Mr. Burris is African-American may actually work to his advantage. “We all understand the importance of diversity in our society and within the Senate itself. For example, if we don’t have at least one Black member, the PGA, by rule, cannot sanction any of our golf outings. As far as the Franken-Coleman situation, I can assure you that the Republican leadership just wants to wait until all legal avenues are exhausted before seating another Democrat. The fact that Mr. Franken is Jewish is not a factor – so is Senator Coleman, and trust me, the fact that nobody around here ever liked him has nothing to do with his faith. As far as Mr. Franken’s ‘show business thing’, I understand why that part of his background might make some members a little nervous. After all, we all know what those people are like.”

Senator Reid said that he hopes the Senate can work out its internal disputes in time to get to matters “such as the worsening economy, the two wars the country is fighting, the Middle East, health care, and maybe even education” before breaking for their summer recess, adding, “I hate to think about how much worse all the visitors to the Capitol will smell if they’ve been out of work for awhile.”

In other news:

Tensions flared between Hamas and France today when a spokesman for Hamas leaders threatened that they would consider declaring war on France if “that infidel with the hot wife doesn’t butt out,” adding, “And I doubt there’s anybody out there who doesn’t believe we can and would kick France’s ass if it ever came to that.” When reached for comment, French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded only by saying, “They don’t scare me. As long as I’m not a civilian, they’ll never target me.”

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HAMAS, ISRAEL AGREE TO U.S.-BROKERED ACCORD

Israel to Cede All Land to Palestinians

Hamas Declares War on Egypt

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”

The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”

“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”

The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”

From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.

“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”