‘Farewell Address’ Indicates Possible Link to Widening Scandal
The lifeless remains of Mr. Peanut, the beloved icon and longtime face of Planters Corporation and, to many, all nuts, were found this afternoon at his Georgia estate. He was 87.
Authorities have ruled the death a suicide. A video, apparently recorded last night in his private office, was found next to the body. The Medical Examiner’s office released a statement saying that preliminary indications suggest the cause of death was ‘Peappuku’, a traditional, very painful Japanese form of ritual suicide where the nut, in essence, shells itself.
Friends and family alike, although noticing recent changes in his behavior, were shocked and saddened by the news, particularly when it was revealed that his taped message contained vague language which might indicate that he was somehow involved in the widening ‘Peanut-gate’ scandal. (A transcript of his recorded message appears below.)
“He hadn’t been himself lately,” according to his publicist, M. Eileen O’Sullivan. “He kept referring to the salmonella outbreak and muttering to himself about ‘those poor people’ and his name being ‘dragged through the mud’ and asking himself ‘what’s the right thing to do?’. Looking back, his demeanor had become increasingly salty, but I never expected something like this.”
Mr. Peanut is survived by his long-time companion, the Oscar Meyer Weiner. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. In lieu of flowers, relatives had requested that donations be made to the George Washington Carver Center.
Transcript of Mr. Peanut’s ‘Farewell Address’:
Good evening.
This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of peanuts. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the peanut industry.
In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for Planters and all peanuts. Throughout the long and difficult period of Peanutgate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which they entrusted me.
In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough base in the peanut community to justify continuing that effort… With the disappearance of that base, I now believe that there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.
I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of peanuts must always come before any personal considerations.
I have never been a quitter. To leave this world before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Mr. Peanut, I must put the interest of all peanuts first. America needs a full-time Peanut Ambassador and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad.
To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity at home.
Therefore, I shall end my life effective at noon tomorrow. Stewart Parnell of the Peanut Corp. of America will be sworn in at that hour in this office, and take the Fifth.
The Desperate Blogger 