Panic Grips SC Campus As Phelps Turns State’s Evidence

Student Leaders Request Outside Aid

Columbia, SC – University of South Carolina student leaders called on people in neighboring communities as well as “concerned citizens everywhere” to send relief supplies as panic overwhelmed the school’s undergraduate population and virtually paralyzed the campus.

Shortly after the news broke that Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has agreed to turn state’s evidence and testify against anyone he may have witnessed smoking marijuana, local stores were flooded with terrified students seeking to purchase emergency provisions.

“The campus is experiencing dire shortages of critical supplies,” said Kappa Sigma fraternity president Stephen Travers, “We are asking anyone within the sound of my voice to please send vitamin B, niacin, and over-the-counter diuretics. Creatine would be helpful as well.” A fellow fraternity member then added, “One vitamin B tablet is selling on the black market for more than ‘X’ – you can’t imagine how severe this is.”

Bridget Duncan, who manages the local Walgreens, confirmed that, “frightened students have cleaned us out of anything believed to mask THC in urine. On the other hand, we haven’t sold a single Twinkie or can of Pringle’s all day.”

It all began after Phelps, the 23 year-old winner of eight swimming gold medals at last year’s Beijing Olympics, stunned legal experts and cannabis connoisseurs alike when he announced that he would surrender to the Richland County Sheriff’s Department and “cooperate fully” with authorities.

Under the terms of an arrangement hammered out late last night between local prosecutors and his apparent crack-head of an attorney, Phelps, in exchange for his testimony, will not be charged under local marijuana laws where he would have faced a maximum sentence of thirty days in jail. Instead, he will plead ‘no contest’ to a minor hairstyle infraction, punishable by a maximum $20 fine and thirty minutes of community service.

In addition, on advice of counsel, to further demonstrate not only to authorities but also to his many fans that he is truly remorseful for this overblown episode, Phelps has written, “I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again,” one hundred times.

Phelps is scheduled to surrender to authorities in Richland County on Monday. It is expected that his arraignment will conclude in plenty of time for him to attend a keg party in his honor at nearby Benedict College.

Really, proceeds go toward groceries.