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CIA Cancels Second Covert Assassination Program

Just days after the United States and the rest of the world was left to grapple with the realization that the Bush administration actually sought to protect the country’s national security above and beyond the collective imagination by secretly having the CIA spend nearly eight years planning to possibly capture and/or assassinate al Qaeda leaders, another Langley, Virginia-based bombshell fell squarely on Capitol Hill today, sending the still-reeling public in to the same state of shock and awe usually reserved for the nation’s enemies.

In an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

“It seems clear to me, after reading the reports and examining the progress made to date, that it would be irresponsible for the Agency to continue spending millions of taxpayer dollars every year planning an action that it is increasingly obvious will be performed by God before we ever come up with a viable plan,” Panetta told the tearful committee members.

The announcement came as a shock to lawmakers, many of whom expressed outrage at the fact that they had not been briefed by any of the intelligence services who they claim had a moral, if not legal, obligation to inform them that Castro was still alive.

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault,” according to House minority leader John Boehner, “I think it’s safe to assume that having such a liberal ascend to the position of House Speaker has given Fidel a reason to hang on.”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went even farther, telling sobbing Fox News host Glenn Beck, “I think this sends the wrong message. Now is not the time for the United States to be perceived as soft on communism. I’ll bet Khrushchev is sitting in the Kremlin right now laughing his butt off at us.”

Representative Spencer Bachus (R-AL), who has already compiled a secret list of 17 socialists currently serving in the House of Representatives, called for the formation of a new ‘Un-American Activities Committee’ to investigate the infiltration of socialists into the CIA and other agencies, adding that at an early stage in his own private investigation, he already has compiled a secret list of 24 names in the CIA alone.

Reaction to Levi Johnston’s ‘Today’ Show Appearance

PERSONALS:

Male satirist, mid-40s, behind in rent, enjoys old movies, sports, and free publicity, seeks post-statutory daughter of prominent and/or polarizing politician willing to commit to relationship through next national election.  Contact: TheDesperateBlogger.com

Limbaugh Sees Dem ‘Plot’ in Heinous Crime

While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.

“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”

According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.

Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”.  The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan.  He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”

Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections.  But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.

As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey.  “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”

Sanford Steals Show at Jackson Memorial

While luminaries from all areas of public life gathered to pay their respects, share their memories, and mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, the entire world seemingly held its collective breath during one of the most unexpected and poignant of moments, when a surprise visitor inspired perhaps the largest spontaneous group-hug in the history of American infotainment.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the Staples Center stage at approximately 11:58 a.m. local time, and tearfully apologized to Jackson, his family, and the thousands gathered, for having failed to apologize for his indiscretions personally before the ‘King of Pop’s’ passing on June 25th. He then held the mesmerized crowd in his grip as he tearfully recounted, in graphic yet respectful detail over the ensuing hour and thirteen minutes, precisely what those indiscretions were.

The embattled Governor and Horizontal Tango master, who in recent weeks has revolutionized the use of cameras, microphones, and enabling reporters to enhance the ‘group therapy experience’, then proceeded to hug and further apologize to the bereaved family and as many of the approximately 18,000 in attendance as he could before throwing himself, weeping uncontrollably, onto the deceased’s casket as the surviving Jackson brothers performed their number one 1970 single “The Love You Save”.

At a post-memorial interview, family patriarch Joe Jackson was effusive in his praise of Sanford, thanking him for “his candor in a situation so many of us have found ourselves in” and taking the opportunity to announce that Sanford has tentatively agreed to contract terms with his new record label.

When reached for comment, members of the Governor’s staff as well as South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer declined to make any statements, saying that they were neither aware nor informed of any plans by the Governor to leave the state.

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

Calls on Administration to Seize Arthur Treacher’s Franchises

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, appearing at a book-signing for his recently published children’s story, “Mommy Can’t Protect You”, used the occasion to criticize England for creating increased instability in the Middle East by instigating civil unrest in the streets of Iran. He also continued his attacks on the Obama administration for what he calls “policies that continue to jeopardize the safety of American citizens”.

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers, “And because their leaders have the moral courage to allow their interrogators to use the same methods that ours employed to gain intelligence that saved countless American lives, we now know that their assertions of a British led conspiracy to bring down their democratically elected regime were well founded.”

When asked what he thought the U.S. response to the confessions of British Embassy employees and others in custody for their involvement in recent protests in Iran should be, the bird hunter known as ‘Friendly-Fire” suggested a two-pronged strategy:

“First, I think we should enlist the international community to impose tough economic sanctions against Great Britain. They need to understand that unilateral intervention into the politics of sovereign nations is unacceptable and will not stand. Second, I think all Americans should start referring to those bread things with the nooks and crannies as ‘freedom muffins’.”

When asked for his reaction to Cheney’s remarks, an unusually subdued White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters, “I think it’s a brilliant f—–g idea. I believe that the f—–g ‘freedom muffins’ thing will go down in history as Vice President Cheney’s greatest f—–g contribution to the United States of America.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office, when reached for comment, released the following statement:

“It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

Bernie Behaving Badly?

Corrections Officials in Quandary

Federal Department of Corrections officials were left scratching their heads this morning trying to formulate a response to perhaps the most unexpected twist yet in the Bernard Madoff case.

“Was he threatening to commit more crimes, or was he merely expressing a form of appreciation in the only way he knows how? That’s what we need to figure out,” according to Corrections Department spokesperson M. Eileen O’Sullivan.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Bernie was just being Bernie. When he likes someone, he offers them help in the only way he knows how,” explained Madoff defense attorney Ira Lee Sorkin, “After this long process, he was merely acknowledging the hard work and dedication of the judge and the Justice Department as a whole.”

It all began shortly after Judge Denny Chin sentenced the poster-boy for Wall Street misanthropy to 150 years in prison. Madoff, who presumably will be 221 years old after serving his sentence and any possible parole because God has refused repeated requests to take him, asked to address the Court one final time. After permission was granted, a smiling, friendly sounding Madoff expressed his appreciation for the “fine work” done by Judge Chin and the prosecution, as well as his “profound appreciation for the years of dedicated service that have brought us all here together at this time.”

“Nobody appreciates the hard work and dedication of others more than I do,” the future license plate machinist continued, “and I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!”

Mr. Madoff was then escorted back across the street to the Metropolitan Correctional Center where officials say he will undergo further evaluation before being served green Jell-O “with fruit or something” in it.

“Personally, I don’t believe there was any intended or even implied threat in his statement,” former FBI profiler and Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey told The Desperate Blogger. “Rather it appears that due to the long term effects of the stress inherent in his personal situation, and perhaps related fatigue, his brain just kicked into auto-pilot. He simply said what is to him to be the most comfortable, natural, and familiar things he has always told people he barely knows. That being said, however, I would strongly advise any future cellmates or other prisoners incarcerated with Mr. Madoff to keep their cigarettes in their mattresses.”

In other news…

Health insurance industry executives today expressed concern over any “public option” as part of national healthcare reform, citing fears that the bureaucrats who currently come between doctors and patients will all apply to work for the government plan in order to receive better benefits.

Ahmadinejad Criticized for “Soft” Response to Sanford Scandal

Iran’s Guardian Council issued a statement today criticizing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his public comments regarding the revelations of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

The twelve-member council, which last week voted 11-7 to uphold the results of Ahmadinejad’s officially declared re-election, expressed their “… profound disappointment in the almost conciliatory tone taken by our chosen President regarding such a potentially dangerous infidel.”

Ahmadinejad, when asked by a reporter from the Iranian news agency Mehr for his reaction to the mysterious disappearance and subsequent explanation of the stability-challenged commander of the South Carolina National Guard, responded, “Death to Mark Sanford, death to South Carolina, and death to America!” – comments which have been denounced by prominent hardliners as ‘weak’, ‘insufficient’, ‘totally lacking creativity’, and ‘suggesting that he needs to grow a pair’.

“We suspect that this most dangerous enemy of Islam, regardless of his version of events, was on a secret Zionist-backed mission related to the ongoing campaign by British and American media to promote the civil unrest that would undermine our most Holy Republic’s precious democracy,” the statement read in part, “… and therefore a more severe tone from the President was merited. Unless he spells out very clearly the consequences of such activity, he might as well be apologizing to our enemies and inviting them to tea.”

“Running afoul of the Guardian Council is serious problem for any Iranian politician,” according to Newton Toomey, Professor of Middle Eastern Affairs at Pueblo State University. “In order to preserve Iranian democracy, the Guardian Council is charged with determining the suitability of every candidate for public office. Anyone they deem unfit is barred from running.”

But Professor Toomey also believes that Ahmadinejad is strongly positioned to weather almost any political storm, at least in the near-term. “The demographic breakdown of the electorate shows that his strongest support comes from the fastest growing segment of the population, while his only weak area lies in the one segment of the population that is expected to decline in the coming years.”

Indeed, the most recent election results would seem to support that assessment. Among the fastest growing segment of Iran’s population — the dead and missing — Ahmadinejad had almost unanimous support, even receiving 100% of the dead vote in the city of Shik-Ago. And even though he polled weakest among the elderly and retired, he still managed an even split in the vote with independent candidate Pat Buchanan.

“But he needs to be very careful right now,” Toomey warned, “In Iran, political popularity is often like democracy and even life itself – very fleeting.”

PETA Launches Fly Adoption Program

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the often-controversial animal rights group, today announced the launch of “Operation Sol,” its latest worldwide effort to promote fly adoption as well as public education and awareness of ongoing threats to flies everywhere.

Still riding the wave of popularity brought about by the organization’s uncharacteristically muted reaction to President Obama’s savage killing of an innocent White House fly, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk today expressed confidence that this initiative — named for Sol Madison, the beloved late pet fly of New York Herald sportswriter Oscar Madison — “… will lead to greater understanding of, and tolerance for, annoying little shit-eaters of many species.”

Due to the vast number of homeless and endangered flies, as well as their staggering rate of reproduction, Ms. Newkirk cited ‘Op-Sol’s’ urgent need for a consistent food supply. Donations of fly food can be mailed (or shipped) to the address found by clicking the “Donate Now” link at peta.org (It is requested that ‘flymeal’ of human origin be limited to vegetarian sources only.) Contributors are also urged to give donations directly to PETA members in their community, who, as Ms. Newkirk noted, are generally easy to find.

Editor’s Note: The Desperate Blogger urges its reader(s) to support Operation Sol. Whenever you see someone throwing red paint on unsuspecting passers-by wearing fur or leather, please give them as much shit as you possibly can.

Conservatives Prepare for ‘Holy War’ Against Obama Court Pick

According to a recent New York Times article, conservative groups are working together to “stockpile ammunition” as they prepare to oppose the confirmation of President Obama’s eventual choice to succeed Supreme Court Justice David Souter, regardless of who he chooses.

According to the Times:

If President Obama nominates Judge Diane P. Wood to the Supreme Court, conservatives plan to attack her as an “outspoken” supporter of “abortion, including partial-birth abortion.”

If he nominates Judge Sonia Sotomayor, they plan to accuse her of being “willing to expand constitutional rights beyond the text of the Constitution.”

And if he nominates Kathleen M. Sullivan, a law professor at Stanford, they plan to denounce her as a “prominent supporter of homosexual marriage.”

(New York Times, May 16, 2009)

Last Sunday, the name of a potential dark-horse candidate emerged. And while arguably a liberal, one might assume that He would still be palatable to GOP conservatives – and perhaps He would be, if nominated by another President.

He is, of course, the world-renowned theologian and legal philosopher Jesus Christ. The somewhat reclusive Mr. Christ, who was only 33 years old when He last appeared in public on anything other than some unstable person’s food, has nonetheless maintained a prominent place in the public consciousness throughout the two rapture-free millennia that have passed since his much ballyhooed farewell.

In recent days, The Desperate Blogger has contacted prominent conservatives to get their thoughts on the candidate who could become not only the first Justice to wear His robes 24/7, but also the first whose lifetime appointment would, by all appearances, be eternal:

Rush Limbaugh: “Conservatives should ‘go to the mattresses’ if He’s the nominee. Turn the other cheek? Are you kidding me? Soft on crime is one thing – just plain soft is another.”

Alan Keyes: “Just like with Obama, if He’s going to hold such a powerful position, He should be required to prove his eligibility – I want to see His birth certificate.”

Lou Dobbs: “If President Obama is determined to name an Hispanic non-resident alien, I’m sure there must be a qualified candidate who is documented.”

Sarah Palin: “My love for Jesus Christ is well known. But I can’t support any candidate for such an important position who’s been known to pal around with prostitutes.”

Bill O’Reilly: “If the President is looking for a Hippie who understands the judicial system, Jerry Brown is available.”

Michael Steele:  “As my savior He’s jammin’.  As a Justice… gotta slam Him.”

Dick Cheney: “While I respect many of His views, He would, I believe, forgive those who seek to harm us. As a Justice, I fear he would vote to limit the President’s power to arbitrarily interpret the law in order to enact the policies necessary to keep our country safe.”

Pat Robertson: “Outside of government, I love Him. But when it comes to the laws of our land, you may have noticed we only draw arguments for policies and legislation from the First Book, not the Second.”

Karl Rove: “He should immediately be disqualified as a candidate as he would clearly come to the bench with a pre-established anti-capitalist, pro-big government agenda. Just look at His history. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers. Our banking system is the backbone of our economy and needs to be saved, not dismantled. He also supports a broad range of social programs. Judging from His record, He’s even more of a socialist than Obama is. His published teachings on almost every important issue are diametrically opposed to the positions of the Republican Party, and His nomination must be blocked at all costs.”

John Boehner: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem with everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

A Desperate Blogger Superstore Exclusive

Manny Ramirez is ‘Octomom’ Surrogate

Embattled baseball superstar Manny Ramirez stunned a Los Angeles press conference today when he “came clean” about the presence in his system of human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced by embryos during pregnancy.

“I’m carrying my friend Nadia’s next litter,” he told a visibly shaken group of reporters clearly unaccustomed to hearing such personal confessions from all-star left fielders, “We’re going to be mamas.”

Ramirez and Ms. Suleman, though a most unlikely pair, nonetheless quickly developed a strong friendship after meeting in early February during a taping of the popular TV reality series ‘LA’s Most Unstable”. While both share strong passions for both children and baseball, Ramirez insists their relationship is purely platonic. “Manny Ramirez is not a cheater – not in baseball, and not in marriage,” he insisted. “Nadia’s my sister… my BFF. And after these kids come, God willing, between the two of us, we’ll have just about enough to fill a roster. Besides, Nadia’s proven to me what I’ve always believed, and that I’m feeling now in ways I never imagined possible – becoming a mother is the most fulfilling experience a man can have.”

Ramirez went on to apologize again to team and fans alike for what he called the “unfortunate timing” of his suspension, reiterating that he was unaware that any problems might ensue. He further added, “I’d planned to play the rest of the season if at all possible, but I guess it’s probably better I stay off my feet for a while.”

He also defended his Octomom BFF from some of her harshest critics, saying “… people can stop complaining about taxpayers footing the bill for her. Even with the suspension, I can afford to take care of everyone — and our second team too.”

Reaction from the baseball community was mixed. Most of Ramirez’ current Los Angeles Dodger teammates simply shrugged their shoulders saying, “That’s just Manny being Manny”. His former Boston Red Sox teammates shared a much broader scope of viewpoints, however, ranging from, “deep down, he’s always been a ‘mother’,” to “the hormones of a pregnant woman explains a lot”.

Admit it...

CDC Update: ‘Elephant Flu’ Remains Potential Threat

Atlanta, GA –

The Centers for Disease Control have issued a public advisory regarding the human strain of the proboscidea influenza virus, more commonly known as ‘elephant flu’ or ‘GOP Virus’.

While considered ‘contained’ as of last November, the virus, which officials emphasize is non-life-threatening, remains, at the very least, a major public nuisance. While cases continue to be widespread throughout the country, the most affected areas continue to be in the South and upper Midwest, as indicated on the map shown below.

Since there are generally no outward physical signs that the victim is suffering from the illness, the CDC recommends that the public remain vigilant in recognizing its symptoms, which include:

• High fervor
• Delirium – many patients have shown difficulty in distinguishing schools, courthouses and government buildings from churches
• Increased anxiety and feelings of frustration
• Paranoia – generally manifested in fears reminiscent of historical ‘red-scares’
• Confusion – recent reports indicate victims purchasing tea bags even though they don’t drink tea

While there is no known cure for the disease, a good dose of common sense has shown to be an effective treatment. Unfortunately, it must often be administered forcibly, as those most seriously afflicted tend to be unable or unwilling to get over it.

Experts emphasize that there is no cause at present for alarm, pointing out that the number of registered cases continues to decline. But they warn that the public should remain vigilant, noting that the emergence of a more virulent strain could endanger civil liberties, the economy, and the overall progress and general well being of the country as a whole.

'Elephant Flu' (last updated November 2008) highly afflicted areas indicated in red

Obama Blamed for Swine Flu Outbreak

GOP Accuses President of ‘Twisted Health Care Stunt’

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his health care plan. While most stopped short of accusing him of intentionally contracting the potentially fatal illness, they nonetheless lambasted the President, characterizing the Administration’s swift, authoritative, and comprehensive response to the potential crisis as “a twisted political stunt”.

Rush Limbaugh, the ironically porcine and heavily medicated conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon, instructed his radio audience as well as the rest of the GOP, “Don’t let him get away with it! If everybody within the sound of my voice covered their mouths and noses with a white cloth – no, better yet, protect yourselves – dress entirely in white sheets, that’s it – white sheets, and take to the streets in a massive grass roots demonstration to let these infected D.C. liberals know that your children will only die socialist over your dead, influenza-ravaged corpse. Vaccines and flu shots belong to the majority of Americans with health insurance — after all, this is a democracy.   And don’t forget to bring tea. My mom always said with honey and lemon — it’ll suppress the cough enough to let those commie fascists hear your righteous outrage!”

Elsewhere, reaction from the ‘loyal opposition’ was more muted, if not less severe.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, relaxing during a brief respite from his ‘Spread a Little Sunshine’ interview tour, said he doesn’t believe the President would intentionally infect the American population with a potentially deadly virus, “… a fact which only makes us appear weak in the eyes of our enemies and threatens the safety of every American,” the Cree-P VP told reporters, adding, “and if he had allowed waterboarding to continue, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would probably have already confessed to masterminding an al Qaeda flu-plot and this whole situation may have been averted.”

Alabama Congressman Spencer Bachus blasted what he called a socialist plot to force universal health coverage down the already sore throats of frightened, flu-ridden voters, adding that he has compiled a list of seventeen members of the House of Representatives who have secretly received flu-shots since the President’s meeting with Mexican President Calderon.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) who under the tutelage of Karl Rove led the GOP’s successful fight to remove $870 million for ‘pandemic prevention’ from the Economic Stimulus Bill defended her position, saying only, “If I’d known ‘Typhoid Barry’ was going to travel to so many potentially infected areas outside of Washington, maybe I’d have done things differently, but nobody could have foreseen a major flu outbreak.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner issued only a brief statement through his office, which read: “It’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

In other news:

White House military office director Louis Caldera apologized to New York City residents who were understandably disturbed when one of the 747s used by the President flew alarmingly low over the Statue of Liberty and the lower Manhattan area devastated by the 9/11 attacks for approximately 30 minutes this morning, in what was apparently nothing more than an Air Force photo-op.

“I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused,” he said, adding, “Normally we’d just use computer simulation, but our video game guy was off today.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who initially expressed outrage over the flight, accepted the White House apology, telling reporters, “There’s a lot more political mileage in this flu-scare thing.”

Cheney Calls for Probe of McCain, POWs

Former Vice President Dick Cheney stunned even some of his most ardent supporters this morning when he called for an investigation of Senator John McCain and other former prisoners of war.

In an interview on Fox News’ ‘Happening Now’, Cheney, appearing via satellite from his wartime residence known to the public as ‘An Undisclosed Location’, cited what he referred to as “the now-confirmed effectiveness” of harsh interrogation techniques “in obtaining reliable, actionable intelligence”.

“Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war,” the man affectionately called ‘Friendly-Fire’ by his hunting buddies told a visibly stunned Jon Scott, “And since putting all the cards on the table seems to be the flavor of the day, I say let’s get them in, put them under oath, and find out what they told our enemies, even if we have to break out the thumbscrews to do it.”

When asked why he chose to single out Senator McCain, a staunch ally of his administration and someone regarded as a national hero by Democrats and Republicans alike, the former Vice President, whose greatest disappointment ironically came when his fifth military deferment left him without sufficient time to serve in the Viet Nam War, responded with a terse, “Because Wainright is dead,” a reference to Medal of Honor recipient Gen. Jonathan Wainright, who survived more than three years in Japanese POW camps during World War II. “Look, we have no way of knowing how much damage has been done, and for all we know is still being done,”  the ‘Cree-P VP’ continued, “Haven’t you ever heard of MK-Ultra or seen The Manchurian Candidate?”

In what is believed to be an historic first, conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh quoted, albeit with only a minimal degree of accuracy, an article from the New York Times in his vociferous defense of McCain and other American POWs. “Torture methods used by Communists in the Korean War… wrung false confessions from Americans,” the porcine pill-popper bellowed in a critical tone normally reserved for legislation designed to help the poor, “So you see, it’s right there in black and white. These methods do not work on Americans.”

While response from Capitol Hill lawmakers on both sides of the aisle generally ranged from, “He must have been drinking” to “Somebody’s still putting that guy on the air?” — some suggested that Cheney’s concerns might bear closer scrutiny.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters, “While Senator McCain has my full support and confidence, I have suggested to his office that he might want to stay away from Intelligence Committee meetings until this thing blows over.”

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-AL) refused to either confirm or deny that McCain’s name appears on his secret list of socialists on Capitol Hill, saying only, “I’m confident that in due course we will rid our government of the Red Menace once and for all.”

Finally, House Minority Leader John Boehner’s (R-OH) office released the following statement:  “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

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Polls Show Support for Texas Secession

Ever since Texas Governor Rick Perry sank his teeth into an otherwise routine conservative tea bagging of President Obama and his administration by suggesting that his state could possibly secede from the Union, pundits and rebel-rousers across the country have taken the balls and run with them.

And polls show the country is listening.

While 31% of Texans believe that the former republic has the right to secede, 75% polled would vote to remain in the Union. (RasmussenReports.com)

But polls in the other 49 states show overwhelming support for a new Texas Republic. Nearly two-thirds of adults nationwide who realize that the U.S. would lose roughly half of its current border with Mexico are willing to say ‘adios’ to the Lone Star State. And nearly 90% of registered democrats told pollsters that paying import tariffs on Dr. Pepper and Frito-Lay products would be a small price to pay to rid the United States of Texas residents Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. The poll also revealed that nearly half of U.S. residents nationwide, including 64% of Texans, have always considered the home of Six Flags, 7-Eleven, and eighth grade athlete red-shirting a separate country, at least in spirit if not in fact.

“Secession is the only viable option for Texas,” according to secession movement organizer Junior Toggles, III, “We have the resources, we have the firepower, and we have an education system that’s the envy of almost every country to our south. (www.amren.com)  We are proud of our heritage, and won’t stand for the Islamic socialist fascism the TV says is coming from Washington.”

Alaska first-husband and champion snow machine racer Todd Palin, himself a former member of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party, expressed his support for southern counterparts. “An independent Texas is better prepared to deal with international issues than Washington is. You can see Mexico from there you know.” Palin also added that an independent Texas would be an “obviously natural ally” for an independent Alaska, noting, “We’d practically have them surrounded.”

‘Manopausal’ Fox News personality Glenn Beck, a supporter of the secessionist movement,  is even taking time away from his paid journalism internship to take up the cause, announcing to his Friday cable audience that he is temporarily shelving plans for a Sunday morning show ‘The Sniveling Hardliner’ to dedicate more of his efforts to his new Political Action Committee ‘Patriotic Americans for Secession’. An unabashedly weeping Beck told his audience, “I’m sorry, I can’t help it. As much as l love my country, I love good barbecue and dressing up in cowboy outfits even more.”

In a related story, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, appearing on ‘This Week with George Stephanopoulos’, defended the President’s acceptance of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’ invitation to join his monthly reading club. “President Chavez is making strong, concrete overtures demonstrating that he wants better relations with the United States,” Emanuel explained, “And when you look at developing events, such as the f****rs on Capitol Hill dragging their feet on an energy program, the c**k-s****rs in Alaska talking secession, and now a bunch of mother-f*****s in Texas suddenly joining in, you have to realize that we’re going to need an ally in this hemisphere with an abundant supply of oil.”

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Organizers Needed for ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’

Must Understand Difference Between ‘Protesting’ and ‘Tea-Bagging’

A ‘Please-Steal-This-Idea’ Call to Action from TheDesperateBlogger.com

To Anyone Tiring of FOX-News:

1. Claiming to be “Fair and Balanced”
2. Promoting events supporting their agenda instead of merely reporting on them
3. Involving themselves in the political process instead of merely reporting on it
4. Representing GOP materials as their own research (http://mediamatters.org/items/200902100019)
5. Lying to support “fair and balanced” claim (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/13/foxs-cavuto-claims-networ_n_186156.html)
6. Representing themselves as ‘patriotic’ under Republican administration, then advocating violent overthrow of Obama administration (a.k.a. ‘treason’) (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

The time has come for a response they can understand! (i.e. numbers, not words)

While ‘Tea-Bagging’ is still against the law in many places, exercising freedom of speech in a good old-fashioned protest is not. And since the ‘Un-Silent Minority’ doesn’t seem to understand what any of these terms actually means, it is incumbent upon their fellow citizens to teach them – well at least the ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘good old-fashioned protest’ parts.

I encourage anyone reading this to take it and run with it. (ADHD has rendered me a disorganized mess…)

This country is in desperate need of Anti-FOX-News/Pro-Obama Agenda ‘Hanni-Tea Parties’ with turnouts that overwhelm the attendance numbers of the Fox-promoted Tea-Bagging sideshows.

They may not understand the Constitution, but they understand numbers. It is time they be shown that blatant hypocrisy and total disregard for integrity have no place in the ‘News’ business.

ASU Halts Recognition of MLK Holiday

Arizona State University President Michael M. Crow, still basking in the glory of his school’s biggest public relations coup since the Sun-Devil basketball program’s 1994 point-shaving scandal, today announced that the University will no longer officially observe Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

“This should in no way be construed as a lack of respect for Reverend King,” Crow told reporters, noting that the 1964 Nobel Peace Prize recipient, “was only 39 years old when his life was tragically cut short,” and then explaining, “Thus, in the opinion of our Board of Governors, his main body of work was still ahead of him. To bestow an honor such as closing the school for a day every year would not be appropriate.”

The announcement came only one day after the university made public its controversial decision not to bestow an honorary degree upon President Obama when he delivers their Commencement address next month, ironically defending their position using the same rationale. A decision on the school’s continued recognition of Christmas Day is not expected until shortly before the fall semester course schedule is released, but based on recent events, Crow said he would advise students and faculty to, “get their shopping done by the middle of August”.

Past speakers who did receive honorary doctorates but could not be reached for comment include Frank Borman (1969), who, at age 41, received his just six months after commanding NASA’s Apollo 8 mission and six years before becoming CEO of the now defunct Eastern Airlines, and Kim Campbell (2005), who in 1993 became the first female Prime Minister of Canada, holding that office for 132 days, which, as Mr. Crow pointed out, “is a record for female Canadian Prime Ministers that still stands to this day”.

Crow, who has been the target of a national firestorm of criticism over the university’s Presidential snub, did however receive a strong gesture of support from a group of Trustees who today unveiled a t-shirt (pictured below) expressing solidarity with their embattled leader which they are encouraging fellow supporters from the University community to wear while attending President Obama’s speech.

Available at The Desperate Blogger Superstore

In a related story, students at Notre Dame University staged a noontime rally protesting the school’s invitation to President Obama to deliver their Commencement address. The students find Obama’s appearance inappropriate for the Jesuit university because of his pro-choice stance on abortion as well as his support of embryonic stem-cell research. They do, however, support his efforts to kill suspected terrorists. University President, Rev. John I. Jenkins, downplayed the controversy, telling reporters, “Our students are a community comprised of very active, vibrant young adults. Any distraction from the abstinence thing is a welcome one.”

Government Should Put Onus on AIG Bonus Execs

Editorial

I doubt I’ll offend too many by comparing AIG financial services executives expecting to cash huge bonus checks at taxpayers’ expense to racketeers. While it’s probable that the law is on their side, when it comes to scruples I can’t think of a better analogy. So after hearing a week of posturing by politicians and pontificating by talking heads (and politicians) I can no longer resist the urge to put in my two cents’ (or is it billions’) worth.

The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the wolves in designer clothing closely examined the rules and then figured out the best way to exploit the game. Add to that the fact that the government, ostensibly due to legal concerns, conveniently provided the same players with a loophole large enough to drive a Brinks truck through and we find ourselves in the midst of a $165 million scandal that has consumed the public consciousness to the point that two wars, the rest of the global economic meltdown, and the wacko with eight newborns have all but faded from view.

Fine. But now how do we deal with these bastards?

The answer is actually quite simple, and ironically, it’s something that property/casualty insurance companies (though not necessarily AIG) have been doing for years to avoid paying off on losing bets. Exploit the system.

Thanks to tight regulatory controls, whole life insurance has long been and remains one of the great financial safe havens. And let’s face it, dead is dead — there’s not a lot of gray area for lawyers to argue over. Other contracts, however, usually provide room for debate. Just ask any of the Hurricane Katrina victims whose insurance carriers denied their claims arguing that damage caused by the storm surge was ‘flood damage’ (not covered) as opposed to ‘windstorm damage’ (covered) to avoid paying an unprecedented and potentially devastating number of claims. It was a calculated gamble. Any actuary (most of whom are employed by insurance companies) will tell you that only a certain percentage of claimants will have the will or the means to fight for their rights in court.

This is where the racketeer analogy can and should be exploited. There is only one thing that most racketeers value more than money, and that’s anonymity. The fact that only three names of AIG bonus recipients have been made public shows us that the racketeer mindset exists. The piranhas fear becoming pariahs. So why not tell them that their claim to the bonus money is invalid and if they want to collect, they’ll have to sue? They’ll have to emerge from the comfort of the shadows, expose themselves to light of day, and explain to a judge and jury, on the public record, why they deserve to collect. Let’s face it, anyone who’s gotten to the to the level of seven figure bonuses has probably already made quite a bit of money and has the means to sue. But how many of these anonymous shadow dwellers have the will?

And for those who do, assuming the law is on their side and it winds up costing the taxpayers just as much or maybe even a little bit more than the current $165 million, at least we’ve sent a loud and clear message that the old game is over, the rules are changing, and the culture must change with them.

At least that would be an investment, not a handout.

To Our Loyal Reader(s)

Believe it or not, our lone writer (yours truly) will be ‘on assignment’, as they say, until mid-April, which is really cool as it might actually lead to some fresh fruit and vegetables.

I hope to post a few items during this time, but as you may have noticed recently, they will be much more infrequent.  We’ll be back to our somewhat normal schedule after April 15th.

For your convenience, you can e-mail us at: TheDesperateBlogger@gmail.com to request a free e-mail subscription.  All personal information is kept strictly confidential.

Thanks for your patience and continued support.  And while you’re waiting, buy something dammit!

Alberto Gonzales Named Attorney General of Sudan

Other Bush Officials May Follow AG ‘From Cartoon to Khartoum’

President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan announced that Alberto Gonzales has accepted his offer to become Sudan’s next Attorney General as well as a Presidential Special Counsel.

“In spite of the fact that he was employed by an infidel, imperialist regime that sought to colonize us, I am most pleased that Mr. Gonzales has accepted this most crucial position in our government,” Mr. Bashir told a captive audience of freelance journalists Friday afternoon, “He shares the values and priorities of this administration, and is an innovative thinker and noted scholar on the legal, moral, and social issues Sudan now faces.”

“I never dreamed I’d be voluntarily leaving my beloved homeland,” a choked-up Gonzales told a fidgety Career Day gathering of 5th graders at Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna Elementary School in San Antonio, “But the decision was made easier after talking to senior Sudan justice officials and learning that everyone there easily passes what I like to call ‘the Bush test’. From day one I’ll have a great, loyal crew working on the county’s business. I won’t need to fire anybody. Additionally, I have also been assured of a direct flight from the United States.”

“The direct flight, believe it or not, could have been a deal breaker,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “Sudan may be the only country where Mr. Gonzales would not have to worry about being either tried or extradited to face trial for war crimes. This is what you’d call a ‘great career move’ for him.”

“It’s also a logical move for Bashir,” human rights expert Bridget Duncan told the Los Angeles Times, “In legal circles, Alberto Gonzales is considered the modern-day father of both Civil Rights Nullification and Atrocities Justification, a rare combination which fits the needs of Sudan’s present government perfectly.”

In a related story, it is also anticipated that Bashir will soon announce the hiring of another former Bush administration official, former FEMA director Michael D. Brown. If he accepts the newly created cabinet-level position, Brown will be responsible for coordinating Darfur relief efforts in place of the 13 international aid agencies Bashir expelled from the country in retaliation for Wednesday’s war crimes indictment issued against him by International Criminal Court in The Hague.

In Other News:

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he will not accept the $438 million of additional aid pledged by the Obama Administration for Katrina reconstruction, saying, “In the first place, it’s too late. The government failed us once already, and I’m not going to give them a chance to do it again. And second, no word pisses off Louisiana Republicans more than ‘reconstruction’.”

Bring home the bacon...

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

News in Brief: March 3, 2009

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery
After American doctors refused to perform what they consider ‘unnecessary elective surgery’, conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh traveled to Canada today, where physicians report he is resting comfortably after a 54-minute operation. During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Mr. Limbaugh’s insurance company declined coverage after two medical opinions both concluded that with 44 months remaining until the next Presidential election, performing the surgery now would provide only temporary relief at best.

Fatah, Hamas Reach Accord on ‘Two State’ Solution
In a stunning development, officials representing rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah took only twelve minutes to hammer out an agreement on a ‘two state’ solution for disputed lands. Under their agreement, Fatah would control what are now defined as the ‘occupied territories’ on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. In return, Fatah would recognize Hamas as the legitimate government of all the territory currently referred to as ‘Israel’. Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was muted in her response, saying that while she has “serious reservations about the plausibility of this scenario,” she nonetheless appreciates, “this historic moment when two of the three major players finally agreed on something.”

Surprise Ruling in C.I.A. Interrogation Tapes Lawsuit
The federal judge presiding over the ACLU’s Freedom of Information Act suit today ordered C.I.A. interrogators to “re-enact to the best of their recollection, and based on their expertise and experience – and on each other, not detainees,” the interrogations of terror suspects that appeared on the 92 video tapes destroyed by the agency in 2005. C.I.A. attorneys are expected to appeal the ruling.

Commerce Department Overhauls Terminology
After the three largest automakers all reported February sales at least 40% below the same period one year ago, the Commerce Department announced changes to its reporting terminology that it claims will “better represent the reality of current economic times as well as produce numbers more likely to build consumer confidence.” Beginning next month, used car sales will be eliminated from the automotive sector report, and instead be incorporated into the statistics for ‘sales of existing homes’.

Only Available at The Desperate Blogger Superstore

Sean Hannity Detained By Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. While Department policy prohibits disclosure regarding details of pending investigations, Paul Katz, an anonymous source familiar with the case confirmed that ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. The three choices given are military coup, armed rebellion, and war for secession. (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

“It wouldn’t be looked upon so seriously if at least one of the options listed was something like ‘social’ or ‘political’, or as foreign as it may be to the suspect, ‘sexual’,” according to Katz, “But since the only options provided to people who, by virtue of the fact that they follow this guy, I would remind you might charitably be described as ‘unstable’, we must take very seriously that, at best, he may be inciting violence, and at worst, he’s seeking the violent overthrow of the same government with which he had such an obvious infatuation until January 20th.”

“You must always be very careful dealing with someone experiencing feelings of rejection,” said Dr. Newton M. Toomey, a professor of criminology and adolescent psychology at Pueblo State University, “Rejection is the emotion most likely to lead to violent behavior. When dealing with individuals like Mr. Hannity and his disciples you have to take into consideration that not only was the personification of their ideals, and by transference them, so roundly and thoroughly rejected worldwide, but their idol’s replacement is perceived by many as being universally worshiped. They speak of revolution the same way a jilted lover speaks of murder or murder-suicide. This sort of cry for help should never be taken lightly, as these situations so often end tragically.”

No indication has been given as to how long Mr. Hannity will be detained or if any charges have been or are expected to be filed.

In other news:

Colorado State Troopers Nail Rogue Jaywalker

The Colorado State Patrol finally managed to track down 58-year-old fugitive Denver bus driver Jim Moffett. And when they finally got close enough to his bed in the St. Anthony Medical Center where he is being treated for bleeding in the brain, broken bones in his face, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and possible ruptured spleen and liver suffered when he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck just after pushing three people (including two elderly women) out of its path, the Troopers dispensed justice, ticketing the ‘wolf in good Samaritan’s clothing’ for jaywalking. State Senator and noted gay basher and religious fanatic Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) applauded the troopers for their courage and swift action, saying, “Jaywalking is a sin and an abomination and offense to God. This man got what he deserved. The summons is just icing on the cake.”

Hedge Fund Managers Fear Worst is Imminent

Hedge fund managers are bracing for the worst, as reports indicate the Obama Administration is expected to seek the closure of a tax loophole that would result in all of their income actually being taxed as income.

According to Thomas B. Edsall of The Huffington Post:

“The most common arrangement provides that fund managers get a) a fee of 2 percent of the value of the fund, whether it goes up or down – a fee on which they pay ordinary income tax rates of up to 35 percent; and b) 20 percent of the annual profits, on which they pay only a 15-percent capital-gains tax rate.”

With the loophole closed, based on the flimsy logic that because the managers are not risking their own money, their ‘commissions’ should be considered income as opposed to capital gains, a fund manager who increases the value of his investors’ portfolio by $500 million dollars would only get to keep $65 million of that portion of his compensation instead of $85 million.

“I’m afraid people might start jumping out of windows,” said market analyst Ima Dippe-Schitte, “It’s a lot harder to live on $65 million than 85.”

Wednesday’s News In Brief

Jindal Top Choice to Deliver 2012 ‘Keynote Address’

DNC officials confirmed this afternoon that they have asked Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal to deliver the keynote address at the 2012 Democratic National Convention. Jindal, a Republican, became an overnight sensation among Democrats after his televised speech Tuesday evening. Originally billed as the ‘GOP response’ to President Obama’s national address, the speech is regarded by political experts to have more closely resembled a Sesame Street audition tape.

“Not since Barry Goldwater in 1964 has anyone made such a strong case to vote Democrat,” according to DNC Chairman Tim Kaine. “Unless he turns out to be their Presidential nominee, I can’t imagine a better way to jump-start our 2012 national campaign than to have a Republican leader like Bobby Jindal deliver our Keynote address.”

Iran Tests First Nuclear Power Plant

Using simulated fuel rods containing lead instead of uranium, Iran today conducted the first tests on its 1000-megawatt, Russian-built nuclear power plant. Western countries have long feared the plant is being used as a cover for Iranian pursuit of nuclear weapons.

“The Americans are long on suspicion and short on memory,” Iran’s President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters, “First of all, how do people expect us to provide power for our citizens in the long term? Second, anyone who can remember as far back as 1986 surely knows that the only serious threat posed by a Russian-built nuclear facility is to the population of the local and surrounding areas.”

GOP Reprimands Colorado State Senator

Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) was reprimanded by party officials today for comments he made on the floor of the State Senate regarding adultery. After ProgressNowColorado.org posted a video of Renfroe’s remarks during a floor debate over legislation that would grant same-sex spouses of state employees access to benefits, Party reaction was swift and severe. According to a Party spokesman, “While we of course support Senator Renfroe’s views equating homosexuals with murderers, he crossed the line when he said that we don’t have laws making adultery legal. We want to make it clear that our party has always supported adultery and long-championed many prominent adulterers. Senator Renfroe’s comments regarding adultery are inexcusable and will not be tolerated. We apologize to any heterosexual adulterers whom he may have offended.”

House Passes Resolution With Bipartisan Support

In what House Minority Leader John Boehner describes as “proof that the Democrats are falsely accusing us of playing partisan politics when it comes to the important issues facing our country,” the House overwhelmingly passed, by voice vote, ‘H.Res.18′, introduced on January 6 by the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. The resolution, “Honors the life and accomplishments of Paul Newman for his many contributions to American film, theater, and philanthropy.”

Tuesday’s News in Brief

Global Warming Monitor Causes Ecological Disaster
A $278 million NASA satellite designed to monitor global carbon dioxide levels failed to reach orbit after lifting off from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California this morning, crashing into the ocean near Antarcica. The crash reportedly set adrift a large chunk of polar ice and released countless chemicals and toxins into the previously pristine local environment.

GOP Senators Bash ‘Liberal Media’
Telling reporters, “Anyone who knows what a supply and demand curve looks like can see they’re lying to us,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of the Republican caucus, challenged the veracity of what he called the “Obama worshipping media” for publishing what he called, “an economically impossible scenario”. The statement was in response to reports released this morning showing that home prices are falling at the same time homelessness is rising.

Rove Charged With Contempt of Congress
Saying, “As long as it’s still open, Guantanamo might be an appropriate place for him,” House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers today sent a ‘resolution of contempt’ to the floor of the House following former Bush Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove’s failure to answer the Committee’s subpoena to testify under oath about his role in the firing of U.S. attorneys and prosecution of the former Democratic governor of Alabama.

House Republicans to Boycott Obama Address
Citing security measures he described as “discriminatory profiling of the worst kind,” House Minority Leader John Boehner called on Congressional Republicans to boycott tonight’s joint-session Presidential address. The Secret Service reportedly will require GOP Congressmen, none of whom voted for either the House or final version of the Economic Recovery Act, to remove their shoes before entering the chamber.

AIG Requests More Bailout Assistance
The struggling financial giant, which is expected to report a quarterly loss as high as $60 billion this week, is asking for government loan guarantees to assist its launch into what company executives believe will provide a solid foundation for its recovery – expansion into the lucrative market of insuring Chinese agricultural and food exports.

Today’s News in Brief

Pope Snubs Colbert
Citing “experience and qualifications,” Pope Benedict XVI today named Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, who in the last seven years has led the archdiocese of Milwaukee to two Final Four appearances, to succeed Cardinal Edward M. Egan as Archbishop of New York.  Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central’s ‘Colbert Report’, who in recent weeks had emerged as the front runner among Vatican watchers, was gracious in defeat. “Tim Dolan is fine Catholic who has a history of producing results – the guy’s a winner,” Colbert told Commonweal Magazine, “Until an appropriate opening becomes available, I’ll continue my pursuit of the Emmy for ‘Best Performance in a Variety or Music Program’ as well as a non-celibate lifestyle.”

Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain
Binyam Mohamed, who alleged he was tortured by U.S. interrogators during the 18 months he was detained in Morocco prior to being transferred to Guantanamo Bay, was finally released four months after all charges against him were dropped. “There was a lot of paperwork involved,” according to a Pentagon spokesman explaining the delay in Mohamed’s release, “We also needed time for our people to coerce his confession that he lied about having been tortured.”

Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors
A corporate spokesman denied rumors the software giant plans an expansion into the banking industry. Rumors began circulating after Microsoft sent letters to laid-off employees requesting that they return amounts “overpaid” to them in their severance packages due to “an inadvertent administrative error”. “Just because we gave too much money to unemployed people and act surprised they’re not giving it back doesn’t make us a bank,” the spokesman insisted.

‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced
Less than 24 hours after his film won eight Oscars including Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire Director Danny Boyle announced plans for a sequel, to be set in the United States. “We’re developing a script now, and expect to begin shooting in 12-18 months,” Boyle told a genuflecting Ryan Seacrest. “By then, pretty much any American city should do for a proper setting.”

Really. Proceeds go toward groceries.

Surrendered UBS Records Yield Many Surprises

Hoffa, War Loot, Missing Records Among Contents of Swiss Vaults

A little known clause in the agreement reached Tuesday between Swiss banking giant UBS and U.S. prosecutors is already “yielding a treasure trove of unexpected information,” according to a Justice Department source.

The provision, which calls for UBS to provide an inventory of items from American-rented ‘orphan boxes’ – safe deposit boxes that have either been abandoned or the rightful owners of their contents cannot be located – was intended to provide possible additional revenue from assets that have long been hidden overseas to evade American taxes. Instead, it has opened a virtual Pandora’s box of scandal and intrigue.

“The days of making something ‘disappear’ by putting it in a Swiss bank are over,” said Larry D. Mapp, a senior Justice Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “From now on, criminals are going to have to go back to keeping two sets of books or dumping in the oceans, where things might one day be found.”

Mr. Mapp added that the government “will soon be in possession of property and evidence that will go a long way toward closing many old cases at the same time as opening up many new ones.”

The extensive inventory lists a broad range of items, such as:

• Many boxes purported to contain cremated human remains, including one labeled ‘J. Hoffa’
• A leather wallet containing a ticket to a Broadway play dated August 6, 1930 and identification with the name ‘Joseph F. Crater’
• The second .22 caliber revolver used in the Robert F. Kennedy assassination
• A box containing Lee Harvey Oswald’s CIA personnel file, an audio recording labeled “D. Kilgallen/J. Ruby, Nov. 1965”, and a bullet damaged almost beyond recognition.
• A jar containing a preserved human heart, labeled ‘If found, please return to Richard B. Cheney’
• Various artwork and artifacts reported missing from museums and private collections after World War II
• A home dialysis kit from a box registered to “Project for the New American Century” with a label reading: “To be picked up by O. bin Laden”
• $173,840 in American currency from a box registered in December 1971 under the name ‘Dan Cooper’
• Blood stained clothing from a box registered in 1994 as ‘In Trust For: Orenthal Simpson’

Mr. Mapp told reporters he expects that he and his staff “will be quite busy for some time to come.”

Scott Boras Expected to Get Commerce Nod

Nakagawa Never Serious Contender

Baseball super-agent Scott Boras, known in sports media circles as ‘The Great Upstager’, lived up to his reputation today, but this time it was not his own doing. While former Boras client Alex Rodriguez was conducting the most anticipated press conference in years, answering questions about his anonymous, positive test result for a banned substance six seasons ago, White House sources revealed to the remaining available reporter that Boras has emerged as the frontrunner in the Obama Administration’s search for the next Commerce Secretary. The revelation dispelled earlier rumors that newly former Japanese Finance Minister Shōichi Nakagawa would receive the nomination as soon as he sobers up.

According to Paul Katz, an Obama team member familiar with the vetting process, Nakagawa did receive some consideration until the final stage of the vetting process, when a check of Wikipedia turned up the fact that, “in April 2004, it was revealed that he had not been paying into the national pension plan for 21 years.”

“While that, of course, was a disqualifying factor, we did feel a little vindicated about the Geithner thing,” Katz explained, adding that an additional problem was the fact that women’s rights groups may have sought to block the nomination after learning that the Gekkeikan guzzling politician and Japanese cabinet member was once quoted as saying, “Women have their proper place: they should be womanly…They have their own abilities and these should be fully exercised, for example in flower arranging, sewing, or cooking. It’s not a matter of good or bad, but we need to accept reality that men and women are genetically different”.

“Broads get pissed off at comments like that,” Katz observed.

Tony Vita, a member of the vetting committee who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Nakagawa’s name was only floated publicly to resolve a wager between two staffers who, “bet on how long it would take (CNN host and radio personality) Lou Dobbs to publicly demand the construction of a wall along the border between the United States and Japan ‘in order to preserve American jobs and security’.” (Unofficially, it took 1 minute and 43 seconds.)

“Scott Boras is a great choice,” according to Professor Phyllis Thomas of the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce. “He has a reputation as a fierce negotiator, and he has a great motivation to succeed when you consider how large a percentage of the nation’s commerce he and his clients already control. Most importantly, I have it on good authority that the man has actually paid all of his taxes.”

For his part, Boras was playing it cool. “Of course it’s an honor to discover I’m even considered a candidate,’ the coy piranha told The Sporting News. “But a decision like this is not one to be made without careful deliberation. I want to take a couple of days to think about it and discuss it with my family. I’ll make my official announcement Sunday night during the Academy Awards.”

Today’s News in Brief

GOP Lawmakers Added to Endangered Species List
President Obama today signed an Executive Order adding GOP Lawmakers to the list of endangered species after last night’s vote on the Economic Recovery Plan revealed that only three Republicans remain in Washington who are actually making laws.

Search for Commerce Secretary Continues
The list of possible candidates narrowed yesterday after New York Governor David Paterson requested that Caroline Kennedy’s name be withdrawn from consideration.

National Peanut Corp. Files Chapter 7
After Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner refused to consider their request for government assistance in dealing with their toxic assets, company president Stewart ‘The Fifth’ Parnell declared that the company is now financially, as well as morally, bankrupt.

Phelps Apology Tour Continues
After Friday’s apology to the people of China, the Olympic champion today apologized to commercial marijuana growers, saying, “I made a serious error in judgment smoking ‘homegrown’ provided by the friend who photographed me smoking it. For that, I am truly sorry.”

Mascot Tests Positive for Growth Hormone
Lawyers for the San Diego Chicken are challenging the results of tests showing the presence of CGH (Chicken Growth Hormone) in his system, arguing that more than 90% of poultry in the United States is, “born that way”.

Mr. Peanut Commits Suicide

‘Farewell Address’ Indicates Possible Link to Widening Scandal

The lifeless remains of Mr. Peanut, the beloved icon and longtime face of Planters Corporation and, to many, all nuts, were found this afternoon at his Georgia estate. He was 87.

Authorities have ruled the death a suicide. A video, apparently recorded last night in his private office, was found next to the body.  The Medical Examiner’s office released a statement saying that preliminary indications suggest the cause of death was ‘Peappuku’, a traditional, very painful Japanese form of ritual suicide where the nut, in essence, shells itself.

Friends and family alike, although noticing recent changes in his behavior, were shocked and saddened by the news, particularly when it was revealed that his taped message contained vague language which might indicate that he was somehow involved in the widening ‘Peanut-gate’ scandal. (A transcript of his recorded message appears below.)

“He hadn’t been himself lately,” according to his publicist, M. Eileen O’Sullivan. “He kept referring to the salmonella outbreak and muttering to himself about ‘those poor people’ and his name being ‘dragged through the mud’ and asking himself ‘what’s the right thing to do?’.  Looking back, his demeanor had become increasingly salty, but I never expected something like this.”

Mr. Peanut is survived by his long-time companion, the Oscar Meyer Weiner. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. In lieu of flowers, relatives had requested that donations be made to the George Washington Carver Center.

Transcript of Mr. Peanut’s ‘Farewell Address’:

Good evening.

This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of peanuts. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the peanut industry.

In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for Planters and all peanuts. Throughout the long and difficult period of Peanutgate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which they entrusted me.

In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough base in the peanut community to justify continuing that effort… With the disappearance of that base, I now believe that there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of peanuts must always come before any personal considerations.

I have never been a quitter. To leave this world before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Mr. Peanut, I must put the interest of all peanuts first. America needs a full-time Peanut Ambassador and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad.

To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity at home.

Therefore, I shall end my life effective at noon tomorrow. Stewart Parnell of the Peanut Corp. of America will be sworn in at that hour in this office, and take the Fifth.

GOP, Fox News Announce Merger

O’Reilly to Replace Steele as GOP Chairman

Prompted by a report from Media Matters for America suggesting that Fox News represented a release from the Senate Republican Communications Center as its own research, Fox News and GOP officials confirmed today that they have agreed to terms on a merger.  Fox’s ‘research’ in question mirrored the release posted today in the section of the GOP website with the astonishingly outdated title “The Leader Board” down to a typographical error.

“We were hoping to withhold announcing the deal until after we’ve cleared a couple of regulatory hurdles,” said a red-faced Fox News CEO and Chairman Roger Ailes. “With the liberal elite now controlling Washington almost to the extent they control the rest of the media, we didn’t want the whole thing to be sabotaged by a bunch of overblown, cry-baby socialist ‘equal-time’ and ‘fair and unbiased’ sorts of questions before we even had a chance to state our case behind closed doors. Thanks to the communist supported ‘ethics in journalism police’ I guess we can kiss that goodbye now.” He then added that he believes government regulators will eventually approve the deal because, “the relevant agencies still have enough holdovers from the Rove/Cheney/Bush administration”.

“This is a deal that makes sense,” according to New York based political media analyst Tony Vita. “While we shouldn’t expect to see any perceptible change in Fox’s coverage of social, religious, or political issues, both sides have a lot to gain by officially joining forces. The Republican Party will acquire a significant number of shares in Fox News parent company, giving them much needed financial clout going into a new election cycle. And by becoming a full-fledged partner, Fox News now not only puts to rest accusations that they only exist to ‘carry the GOP’s water’, but also acquire a vested interest in a significant number of elected offices nationwide.”

Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News The O’Reilly Factor, refused to comment about rumors that as part of the deal he will replace the recently elected Michael Steele as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. O’Reilly, who media analysts have dubbed ‘the Norm Coleman of talk radio’ due to the fact that his afternoon ‘call-in’ time slot will be taken over by entertainment personality and forcibly retired politician Fred Thompson, sought refuge in a studio lavatory. His strategy apparently backfired, however, when he inadvertently revealed that besides the fact that all news research as well as some writing are now provided by the Party, other elements of the merger have apparently already been put into place. Shortly after yelling, “I have a right to privacy, you f*****g paparazzi,” he threw several men’s room items at reporters, striking one with what was later discovered to be official GOP-issued ‘Constitution’ toilet paper.

Conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh could hardly contain his enthusiasm when learning that O’Reilly would be taking over Steele’s post. In a moment reminiscent of his thoughtful and sensitive commentary regarding Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, the hefty pill-popper showed his disdain for the former Maryland Lieutenant Governor’s election by screaming as if in the throes of withdrawal, “it was entirely about race!”

Limbaugh Proposes ‘Bipartisan Presidency’

Challenges Obama’s Commitment to Change

Conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh, responding to criticism by many of his faithful listeners that he hasn’t been harsh enough in his criticism of President Obama and the new administration, today unveiled his plan to ensure that the office of President will be truly bipartisan.

Reiterating the theme of his “54-46” proposed spending allocation for the economic stimulus package, Limbaugh today challenged President Obama to “put up or shut up” on his pledge of bringing true bipartisanship to Washington by allocating the office of the Presidency itself according to the popular vote from the November election.

“I call on the President to make good on his pledge of changing the culture of Washington politics while at the same time enabling him to show his true socialist colors. It’s time we spread the political wealth around, so to speak, and to do it in a way that is true to the great democracy our government is,” a defiant Limbaugh told a large group of supporters gathered for a charity breakfast and cross-burning. “The solution, the only fair and truly bipartisan answer to this problem is to do the will of the people, on a percentage basis of course. I am calling on the President to yield the office to his Republican opponent even less, actually, than would be proportional to the popular vote. I challenge you here and now, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama, to allow Senator John McCain to serve as our President on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Common sense says this is the fair thing to do. The other four days are all yours. After all, you won, and to the victor go the spoils.”

Following the profanity-laced tirade which is automatically triggered every time he hears the words ‘Rush’ or Limbaugh’, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel responded to questions about the proposal by repeating the same profanity-laced tirade.

“Now I know it was Rush who I overheard saying ‘…and to the democracy for which it stands’ during the Pledge of Allegiance,” said a chuckling White House Counsel and Inaugural Ball disc jockey David Swirsky. “As far as Mr. Limbaugh’s proposal is concerned, it has always been, and I believe forever will be, the position of this administration that the United States has only one President at a time.”

In other news:

A Vatican source today confirmed that former President George W. Bush’s request for an ‘indulgence’, a recently resurgent traditional Church practice that allows for “the taking away of temporal punishment due to sin” according to brochures published by the Vatican Tourist Board, has been denied. “His Holiness regrets that President Bush has fallen short of qualifying for an indulgence in three important areas,” according to spokesperson and religious scholar Meegan Toomey, “Much to the dismay of His Holiness and countless others, he has not demonstrated that he has performed any charitable acts nor confessed and repented his sins. And besides, he’s Methodist.”

Meg Whitman announced that she has formed an exploratory committee as the first step in an anticipated run for the Governor’s office in California’s 2010 election.  The former eBay CEO’s only other foray into politics ended abruptly when eBay canceled all bidding on customer “IllGuv2003’s” item #304793218776542587:  “Vacant Senate Seat”.

Panic Grips SC Campus As Phelps Turns State’s Evidence

Student Leaders Request Outside Aid

Columbia, SC – University of South Carolina student leaders called on people in neighboring communities as well as “concerned citizens everywhere” to send relief supplies as panic overwhelmed the school’s undergraduate population and virtually paralyzed the campus.

Shortly after the news broke that Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has agreed to turn state’s evidence and testify against anyone he may have witnessed smoking marijuana, local stores were flooded with terrified students seeking to purchase emergency provisions.

“The campus is experiencing dire shortages of critical supplies,” said Kappa Sigma fraternity president Stephen Travers, “We are asking anyone within the sound of my voice to please send vitamin B, niacin, and over-the-counter diuretics. Creatine would be helpful as well.” A fellow fraternity member then added, “One vitamin B tablet is selling on the black market for more than ‘X’ – you can’t imagine how severe this is.”

Bridget Duncan, who manages the local Walgreens, confirmed that, “frightened students have cleaned us out of anything believed to mask THC in urine. On the other hand, we haven’t sold a single Twinkie or can of Pringle’s all day.”

It all began after Phelps, the 23 year-old winner of eight swimming gold medals at last year’s Beijing Olympics, stunned legal experts and cannabis connoisseurs alike when he announced that he would surrender to the Richland County Sheriff’s Department and “cooperate fully” with authorities.

Under the terms of an arrangement hammered out late last night between local prosecutors and his apparent crack-head of an attorney, Phelps, in exchange for his testimony, will not be charged under local marijuana laws where he would have faced a maximum sentence of thirty days in jail. Instead, he will plead ‘no contest’ to a minor hairstyle infraction, punishable by a maximum $20 fine and thirty minutes of community service.

In addition, on advice of counsel, to further demonstrate not only to authorities but also to his many fans that he is truly remorseful for this overblown episode, Phelps has written, “I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again,” one hundred times.

Phelps is scheduled to surrender to authorities in Richland County on Monday. It is expected that his arraignment will conclude in plenty of time for him to attend a keg party in his honor at nearby Benedict College.

Really, proceeds go toward groceries.

U.S., Al Qaeda Near Major Trade Agreement

Report: Cheney Headed to ‘Tribal Region’

In what both sides are claiming as a major step toward victory in the War on Terror, sources confirmed today that a deal is in the works in which the United States would send former Vice President Dick Cheney to al Qaeda in exchange for Osama bin Laden and ‘future considerations’, reported to be two lower-level terrorists, the stature of which will be contingent upon bin Laden’s determined value to the U.S. after the next election season. According to a source close to the negotiations, the deal is considered “all but done” after both sides agreed to eliminate a standard clause that makes any trade contingent on both players passing physicals.

The final obstacle, expected to be resolved today, is the $50 million the United States has, until now, offered as a ‘reward’ for bin Laden’s apprehension. Scott Boras, Cheney’s agent, maintains that it should go to his client, arguing that, “As of January 20, Dick’s ‘no-trade’ clause has been in effect. He can veto any deal, and thus should be rewarded for waiving the clause.” Boras also expressed anger with al Qaeda for breaking the story early, saying he “had planned on releasing a statement to the media during the historic Senate vote on the economic stimulus bill.”

Disagreeing with Boras about the $50 million are both al Qaeda’s future leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri and White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel was quoted as saying, “… No-trade clause my a** – just because he doesn’t work in Washington anymore doesn’t mean his f*****g Dr. Strangelove-looking a** doesn’t still belong to the American people… He should have been f*****g shipped out a long f*****g time ago… If he and his f*****g agent think he’s entitled to that f*****g money, they can kiss my f*****g a**.”

A comparatively subdued al-Zawahiri told reporters, “We are so thrilled at the prospect of having Dick Cheney’s talents here, where they rightfully belong, that our position is this: Let the imperialist, capitalist infidels keep their money. It’s going to be worthless soon enough anyway.”

When asked what prompted him to initiate the talks that led to this blockbuster deal through one of al Qaeda’s thousands of emissaries in Saudi Arabia, al-Zawahiri explained:

“We’re a small market team playing in the big leagues. We have to work with a fraction of the budget the traditional powers have. We can’t afford the firepower they can. We have to rely primarily on scouting, coaching, and the dedication of our team. As much as we’d love to kill millions of Americans, we have to be realistic. To emerge victorious in the long run, our best strategy is to keep the average American terrified – after all, isn’t that what terrorism is ultimately about? If they are scared enough, the imperialistic, capitalist infidels will bankrupt their country and forfeit their ‘precious freedom’ in the hope that this will protect them. So when a man with Dick Cheney’s extraordinary gifts becomes available, you have to pull the trigger, so to speak. We, of course, will miss our dear Osama tremendously. He has been a leader and an inspiration. But the fact remains that when he speaks, Americans feel ‘uneasy’. When Dick speaks, they become terrified. Ultimately, that’s what we’re in business for. Add to that what he can teach our younger players about treatment of prisoners and interrogation techniques, and it makes this deal a no-brainer for our organization.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, sports analyst and counter-terrorism expert Paul Sokoloff, who was once employed by ‘Alex Station’, the CIA task force dedicated to bin Laden’s capture that was disbanded in 2005, commented, “This is a great deal for both sides. When it comes to terrifying the masses, al Qaeda gets the game’s pre-eminent ‘closer’. And I’m sure the guys who’ve been looking all these years are anxious to get this Osama guy in for debriefing. They couldn’t ask for anyone better to provide them with intelligence on bin Laden’s plans and whereabouts.”

FYI: They validate upon request.

Colbert ‘Top Candidate’ for Next Archbishop of New York

‘Color Blindness’ Key Factor

As reported in recent days by Newsmax, Pope Benedict XVI will shortly announce his choice for the next Archbishop of New York. According to the report, an anonymous Vatican source says that, “the Pope has chosen an archbishop who is ‘dynamic, conservative and orthodox’.” That quote has led to widespread speculation among Vatican watchers centering primarily around two top contenders: Archbishop Timothy Dolan of Milwaukee and prominent television personality Stephen Colbert.

Colbert, 44, an Emmy-winning Bill O’Reilly protege and New Jersey Sunday school teacher, has, according to insiders, emerged as a strong contender on the strength of his New York ties and his self-described ‘color blindness’, a term used to describe his ability to ignore skin color in his dealings with others.

‘His Holiness believes it is important to send a clear message that the Church is moving forward and will remain in-step with the times,” according to an anonymous source close to the process, “And embracing high level leadership that goes so far as to not even acknowledge race will probably create a more positive image of the Church than embracing those who deny the Holocaust has done.”

What some consider an indication that Colbert may in fact be the Pontiff’s choice are reports that have surfaced where witnesses have described seeing the Pope “practicing his finger wag in the mirror”. Pope Benedict, long a fan of the regular ‘Colbert Report’ segment ‘Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger’ is said to have long admired Colbert’s admonishing finger wag technique.

Confronted with questions regarding the fact that Colbert has never been ordained, and is, in fact, married with three children, the source told reporters, “These are not necessarily disqualifying factors. His Holiness recognizes that positions such as this often require a fine balance between the political and the ecumenical. As a former presidential candidate, and perhaps even more so as a Sunday school teacher, Mr. Colbert will be prepared to deal with whatever Church politics he may have to face. And as a popular television personality, His Holiness must also consider his ability to ‘put the butts in the seats’ every Sunday. With the financial crisis already forcing the closure of fourteen of our schools in New York City, the diocese could benefit greatly from ‘The Colbert Bump’. As far as him having children, that could work out in his favor as well. If the Archbishop has children, conventional wisdom says it’s much less likely to be revealed later that he’s ‘had children’, if you get my drift.”

A spokesman for Comedy Central told reporters that Mr. Colbert was, “being fitted for robes and [was] unavailable for comment”. He added that the wardrobe fitting had nothing to do with the possibility of his Church appointment, but did reveal that the network is in the initial planning stages for a possible holiday season special tentatively titled “A Colbert Christmas II: Archbishop Stephen Rocks St. Patrick’s”.

In a related story, sources close to Caroline Kennedy flatly denied as untrue reports that Ms. Kennedy had contacted Vatican officials to express her interest in the vacant Archbishop post.

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President Unveils ‘Create-Your-Own’ Tax Cut Plan

House Republicans Propose Putting Obama’s Picture on $100 Bill

President Obama, long at odds with GOP lawmakers over the type and extent of tax cuts to be included in the $800+ billion economic stimulus package, today unveiled a plan which would allow corporations and individual taxpayers to ‘create their own’ individualized tax cut.

Here’s how the plan would work. Wages, salaries, etc. would still be reported as they are now, and W-2 and 1099 form requirements will remain unchanged. “But there are a lot of other lines there,” said the President, “and there are parts of items that we currently require the taxpayer to self report. Under this plan, everyone can choose one item to eliminate. For example, employers will still report wages and salaries, but other income, such as tips, cash bonuses, gifts, etc. can be left off. Or, depending on your situation, you may choose to leave out capital gains, or interest and dividend income, or whatever item best suits you – as I said, there are a lot of lines there. Just indicate above where you sign your form what you’ve cut. So long as the rest is in order, you’ve got one ‘gimme’ compliments of Uncle Sam.”

“This is not a new idea,” the President continued, “And we know it can work. It’s worked for members of my Cabinet as it has for I’m sure many other individuals and business all across the country. What I’m proposing now is that this plan be instituted as policy and available to all.”

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ), who has not only been one of the harshest critics of the proposed stimulus package, but has also questioned the President’s commitment to bipartisanship on Capitol Hill, was among the first to praise the plan.

“I can’t tell you how delighted I am that the President, in this time national crisis, is crossing party lines to help all Americans the same way we in Washington have always helped ourselves,” the smiling Kyl told reporters, “This is change I can believe in.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner not only announced his enthusiastic support for the plan, but also his intention to introduce a bill which would replace the image of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill with that of Barack Obama. “I know Ben Franklin was a great American and had numerous great accomplishments. But this guy’s a f*****g genius,” he said in an interview with Tiger Beat magazine, “I wish I could tell you that many of us in Washington came up with the idea before the President did, but speaking for myself, I cannot say that – at least not until the statute of limitations expires.”

In a related story, an anonymous source at the Internal Revenue Service confirmed reports that an audit is currently underway to determine whether Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner properly reported income that he received when he was moonlighting as Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Tom Daschle’s driver.

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Duncan Ousted as RNC Elects New Chairman

Eleventh Hour Entrant Wins Post

He didn’t even throw his hat into the ring until yesterday. Today, after 4 ballots and a great deal of maneuvering to build a coalition, he is the new chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Events quickly began to unfold on Thursday. After former Tennessee state chairman Chip Saltsman, better known since his holiday season gift gaffe as ‘Chip the Magic Redneck’, withdrew from the race, a once prominent party member suddenly appeared on the scene in a manner almost as mysterious as when he vanished from it years ago. Once seen as too conservative by party moderates and too liberal by conservative hardliners, today, Lex Luthor has been tabbed to bring the GOP back from the abyss as it tries to rebuild after being swept out of power in the 2006 and 2008 general elections.

“What we have is a liberal in the White House who people seem to think is Superman,” a grinning former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters, “Who better to have lead the fight on our behalf than Lex Luthor?”

“Lex Luthor embodies all the principles and values the Republican party has long held so dear,” according to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “I would think there must be a few people on the other side of the aisle, those who believe merely giving lip service to bipartisanship will fly, who would rather eat Kryptonite than try and put that over on Lex come election time.”

“Lex Luthor may be evil, but he’s not stupid. He has a long history of accomplishment,” President Obama told the newest member of the Washington press corps, Fox News White House correspondent Samuel ‘Joe the White House Correspondent’ Wurzelbacher. Apparently reading from an outdated note card, the President continued, “I hope we can work together not as Democrat and Republican, but as Americans to do the country’s work. I anticipate some lively debate when the time comes. But for now, there is only one president at a time.”

Upon accepting the post, Luthor took many by surprise when he immediately proposed a bold departure from traditional Republican mantra. “We have to admit to ourselves that ‘trickle-down’ is a failure. We must move in a different direction. Look at the current disaster. Holding to our longstanding beliefs, we have given all the decision making power at the Federal level to the Democrats. I ask you my friends, here and now, how much of it do you see trickling down to us?”  He then received a thunderous ovation when he optimistically promised Party faithful, “But we shall overcome our defeats. We will once again rule this greatest of republics — and we’ll accomplish our goals by any means necessary!”

In other news…

Both House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Hair Club President Rod Blagojevich were released from hospitals today, and both are apparently doing fine.

Doctors in Illinois reported that all precautionary x-rays taken of Blagojevich after he was struck by approximately 14 of the more than 40 shoes thrown at him by members of the Illinois State Senate after his speech Thursday were negative.

Pelosi was released from Georgetown Medical Center after toxicology tests ordered when she reportedly hugged House Minority Leader John Boehner at a White House cocktail party Wednesday night also proved negative. Doctors report that Pelosi is in excellent health and fine spirits after undergoing what they described as a “routine delousing”.

Blagojevich, After Inking Movie Deal, Will Resign Tomorrow

A source close to embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich confirmed rumors a short time ago that the beleaguered future Hair Club spokesman will announce his resignation on Thursday when he appears before the State Senate at his impeachment trial. The confirmation dispelled the widely held notion that Blagojevich only decided to appear after he realized that cameras have been present and the proceedings are being broadcast on television.

“Rod is making the transition from the small screen to the big screen,” according to his agent, prominent Hollywood attorney C. Stephen Travers, “He has just signed a lucrative contract with Walt Disney Productions and will begin shooting his first film this spring. As he is the type of person who believes in being totally prepared for his every undertaking, he will be spending the next couple of months immersing himself in studies necessary to perform his role to the utmost of his ability. But he wanted to visit the Capitol of his beloved home state one last time to bid the legislature a final ‘f**k you’.”

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but an anonymous Disney source told reporters that the disgraced politician will play the character ‘Blago’, a sociopathic former paramour of Miss Piggy in the upcoming feature ‘The Muppets Go Postal’.

“He’s got the look, he’s got the fur, and from his past career, he’s got experience in both ends of puppetry,” said noted film critic and historian Eileen O’Sullivan, “He’s a great fit for the project. And the Muppets need the ‘edge’ that he brings to the table.”

“I believe Rod has finally found his true calling,” said lawyer-turned-movie star-turned-Senator-turned-TV star-turned-failed Presidential candidate-turned-afternoon-off-hours-can’t-get-ratings-radio call-in show host Fred Thompson, ‘and I think he’ll have the success I might have had if I’d only had hair.”

“The impeachment proceedings will proceed as planned, whether he resigns or not,” an angry John J. Cullerton, the Democratic president of the Illinois State Senate told reporters, “He wants to deny us the sublime pleasure of impeaching his crooked butt, but he’ll get away with it over my dead body. His political carcass is ours.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Senator Cullerton’s Chief of Staff, Meegan Toomey, revealed the reason behind his zeal to convict, “that miserable prick,” telling al Jazeera, “The feeling in the State House is that once he is removed from office, federal prosecutors will not try him on charges that he tried to ‘sell’ President Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. We believe that they will drop the matter entirely, try him on a lesser charge, or let him plead to a lesser charge if he is willing, since they ‘pre-empted’ the actual sale. Nobody wants to risk giving that chinchilla-looking piece of s**t the satisfaction of being acquitted and then forever comparing himself to Job, Jesus, and Jason Giambi for the way he was wrongfully persecuted. Not to mention the disruption to the White House if he were to subpoena Rahm Emmanuel and others to testify just because he can.”

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Posted in Entertainment, Politics, Satire | Tagged: Blagojevich impeachment, Fred Dalton Thompson, Hair Club, John Cullerton, muppets, Rod Blagojevich | 3 Comments »