Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced this afternoon that a trilateral agreement has been reached among Israel, Hamas, and the U.S. Treasury Department that, pending ratification by Israel’s Knesset and the Palestinian National Authority, “will bring lasting peace to the Middle East and about 5.2 million Jews to the United States.”
The agreement, hailed by supporters as ‘a watershed moment in human history’ and criticized by detractors as ‘the lunatic ramblings of a desperate Blogger’, calls for Israeli Jews, and any other citizens who wish, as well as all Israeli corporations and ‘the entire Israeli economy’ to be re-settled in the United States. Once that process is complete (it’s expected to take 18-24 months – give or take a couple for kibbitzing), Israel will cede all lands under its control to Hamas, including the West Bank — currently controlled by rival Palestinian group Fatah. “I expect that may keep them busy for a while,” noted Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni. “I dare say they might even miss us after we’re gone.”
“This plan is a win-win-win,” a jubilant Paulson said in an interview with al-Jazeera, “The Palestinian people will finally have their own, independent homeland; the United States will have a stronger economy, thanks to the 1.4 million expected home buyers, thousands of new businesses and millions of new jobs; and the Israeli people will not only enjoy better security and peace of mind, but they can have their pick of some really outstanding properties at fire sale prices.”
The plan calls for the Federal Reserve to guarantee mortgages, to be issued by Fannie-Mae, for all re-settled Israeli citizens who wish to buy homes. “We expect the value of the package to total somewhere around $300 billion, which I cannot stress enough, will be paid back with interest,” according to Paulson. “Remember, these people will still be working for the same companies they were before, not American manufacturers or financial institutions. We can expect they’ll still be employed for the foreseeable future. Also, the figure I’m giving you already takes into account that homes in and around New York City, Miami, and Los Angeles are generally more expensive than the norm. Even with that price tag, for less than we’ve committed hoping we might somehow save Citigroup and AIG, we can provide a new home for every Jew in Israel.”
From a security standpoint, it’s a no-brainer,” according to an anonymous Pentagon source. “In these days when our biggest national security threat is global terrorism, the combination of our CIA and Israel’s Mossad will form the greatest counter-terrorism organization in history. The new security agency, The Mutual Office for Intelligence & Security/Hebrew and English (MOISHE) will begin operations as soon as the agreement is ratified.
“Times change, and I think the Israeli people are ready to make this move,” President Shimon Peres told the media, “Let’s be realistic. If this many Americans were willing to sell homes to Jews 60 years ago, there may never have been an Israel. And from now on, when our people are attacked from beyond our borders, we can retaliate without being ‘the bad guy’ any more.”
PNA President Mahmoud Abbas echoed those last sentiments when he stated unequivocally that Jews residing in the United States would be strictly off-limits to Hamas-sponsored terrorism. “Nobody cared how many rockets and mortars we fired into Israel. But we are well aware that if so much as one car bomb goes off in Miami, not only will we be toast, but the Americans will use the incident to justify an invasion of Venezuela.” Later in the day Mr. Abbas declared war on Egypt, stating, “They’re the ones who originally sent the Palestinian people into Gaza – which was fine, they’re not exactly tops on our list either — but on top of that, the incompetents couldn’t win a single war in all those tries, and left us to be the ones occupied. If we didn’t hate Jews so much, we’d have gone after those bastards long ago. My friends, our day has come.”
The Desperate Blogger 