Sean Hannity Detained By Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. While Department policy prohibits disclosure regarding details of pending investigations, Paul Katz, an anonymous source familiar with the case confirmed that ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. The three choices given are military coup, armed rebellion, and war for secession. (http://forums.hannity.com/showthread.php?t=1326121)

“It wouldn’t be looked upon so seriously if at least one of the options listed was something like ‘social’ or ‘political’, or as foreign as it may be to the suspect, ‘sexual’,” according to Katz, “But since the only options provided to people who, by virtue of the fact that they follow this guy, I would remind you might charitably be described as ‘unstable’, we must take very seriously that, at best, he may be inciting violence, and at worst, he’s seeking the violent overthrow of the same government with which he had such an obvious infatuation until January 20th.”

“You must always be very careful dealing with someone experiencing feelings of rejection,” said Dr. Newton M. Toomey, a professor of criminology and adolescent psychology at Pueblo State University, “Rejection is the emotion most likely to lead to violent behavior. When dealing with individuals like Mr. Hannity and his disciples you have to take into consideration that not only was the personification of their ideals, and by transference them, so roundly and thoroughly rejected worldwide, but their idol’s replacement is perceived by many as being universally worshiped. They speak of revolution the same way a jilted lover speaks of murder or murder-suicide. This sort of cry for help should never be taken lightly, as these situations so often end tragically.”

No indication has been given as to how long Mr. Hannity will be detained or if any charges have been or are expected to be filed.

In other news:

Colorado State Troopers Nail Rogue Jaywalker

The Colorado State Patrol finally managed to track down 58-year-old fugitive Denver bus driver Jim Moffett. And when they finally got close enough to his bed in the St. Anthony Medical Center where he is being treated for bleeding in the brain, broken bones in his face, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and possible ruptured spleen and liver suffered when he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck just after pushing three people (including two elderly women) out of its path, the Troopers dispensed justice, ticketing the ‘wolf in good Samaritan’s clothing’ for jaywalking. State Senator and noted gay basher and religious fanatic Scott Renfroe (R-Greeley) applauded the troopers for their courage and swift action, saying, “Jaywalking is a sin and an abomination and offense to God. This man got what he deserved. The summons is just icing on the cake.”

Hedge Fund Managers Fear Worst is Imminent

Hedge fund managers are bracing for the worst, as reports indicate the Obama Administration is expected to seek the closure of a tax loophole that would result in all of their income actually being taxed as income.

According to Thomas B. Edsall of The Huffington Post:

“The most common arrangement provides that fund managers get a) a fee of 2 percent of the value of the fund, whether it goes up or down – a fee on which they pay ordinary income tax rates of up to 35 percent; and b) 20 percent of the annual profits, on which they pay only a 15-percent capital-gains tax rate.”

With the loophole closed, based on the flimsy logic that because the managers are not risking their own money, their ‘commissions’ should be considered income as opposed to capital gains, a fund manager who increases the value of his investors’ portfolio by $500 million dollars would only get to keep $65 million of that portion of his compensation instead of $85 million.

“I’m afraid people might start jumping out of windows,” said market analyst Ima Dippe-Schitte, “It’s a lot harder to live on $65 million than 85.”