BLAGOJEVICH TO FACE REDUCED CHARGES

No Evidence Jobs, Influence Actually ‘Sold’

In a stunning reversal, prosecutors have agreed to drop some of the most serious charges facing embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich – namely charges involving “violation of the public trust”.

“By their own admission, the FBI arrested our client prior to the completion of their investigation,’ a defense team member told reporters. “Had they not acted prematurely, they would have found that Governor Blagojevich never had any intention of following through on promises he made in his efforts to extort money from other greedy bastards such as himself. Had they followed procedure, certain charges would never have been brought.”

“Don’t get me wrong,’ the attorney continued, “We have no doubt that law enforcement personnel involved in this case acted with the best of intentions, particularly with regard to the public interest. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

“That is correct,” confirmed undercover Special Agent Meldrick Purvis, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Normal procedure dictates that your first priority, always, is to cover The Bureau’s ass. Then you protect the public. But once in a while we come across individuals who are so appalling in their nature that some agents ‘throw caution to the wind’ in their exuberance to separate these slugs from society. And maybe it is better to have some charges dropped than to allow unscrupulous predators to continue roaming the halls of government. All I can say is: thank God for that alert Ebay customer service rep who brought the Governor’s activities to our attention. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

It was, in fact, Ebay who first contacted authorities after several complaints from ‘winning’ bidders. “We had several ‘negative feedback reports’ regarding Ebay member ‘illguv2003′,” said a spokesman for the Internet auction giant. “Two involved ‘shilling’ which is the use of fraudulent bids to drive prices higher. The others involved accepting payment, but never delivering the goods – in these cases state jobs and government contracts. Ebay wants it made clear that these are considered serious violations of the Ebay Community Code of Conduct, and the account of member ‘illguv2003′ has been suspended pending review.” The spokesman then added, “Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

Calls to the Governor’s campaign organization were not returned. However, later in the day “Friends of Blagojevich” released a statement, which read:

“The Directors and Executives of ‘Friends of Blagojevich’ are obviously disheartened by the events and news reports of the last few days. If the allegations regarding the Governor’s actions prove correct, it would not only fly in the face of everything we, as well as all Americans, stand for, but also make a mockery of our re-election slogan, which we have always believed depicted our candidate in his true light: “Blagojevich – You Get What You Pay For”. While this would normally be a time when we would remind the public that, under our cherished system, Governor Blagojevich is entitled to the presumption of innocence until such time as he is proven guilty, we will decline further comment. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

Zero Proceeds to Benefit Rod Blagojevich.

Click Here to Buy Now (Please).

TODAY’S TOP STORY: Water in Venice Streets

There was water in the streets of Venice, Italy.

In what one meteorological historian described as “the biggest climactic surprise since The Great Sahara Crop Failure,” a combination of heavy rains, high winds, and an unusually high tide put much of Venice under water yesterday. As has been historically the case when the “Queen of the Adriatic” floods, the primary culprit was the unusually high tide, which sent news services from Al Jazeera to the BBC to The New York Times scrambling to get photographers in place before the flood waters receded, having already committed to making this their lead story on an otherwise slow news day.

“Of course this has to be a lead story,” Fox News Senior Editor Tony Vita said with disdain. “Pictures are the key, and nothing makes better footage than floodwater. A good crew can make a couple of inches of water look like ‘Noah’s Ark time’. Besides, who in the world would ever have imagined something like this could happen in Venice of all places?”

“It was bedlam,” observed AP photographer Karl Toomey, who like dozens of others on his charter flight from Mumbai arrived barely in time to snap photos of tourists wading through knee-high receding waters, “but they tell me this is the biggest thing happening today.”

As gondoliers scrambled to adjust their rate signs, Toomey and others, who had been covering the skirmish in and around the Taj Mahal Hotel that has now been relegated to a position somewhere between the crossword puzzle and the ‘homes for sale’ classified ads in most newspapers, descended on St. Mark’s Square, which on a normal day would have been filled with tourists enjoying the shopping and outdoor cafes.

“This one is front page material!” Toomey declared, triumphantly displaying his photo of a lone dollop of latte cream that, while bobbing aimlessly in the water near an empty sidewalk café, narrowly avoided a disastrous collision with an empty Gucci slipper from last year’s collection. “This is what they send us here for!”

FEMA Monitoring Situation, Pledges Aid

The U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency is “watching the developments in Venice very closely,” FEMA spokesperson Erika Lozano told Washington reporters. “The Secretary is deeply concerned not only for the safety of American citizens who may be stranded, but for all those affected by this unpredictable catastrophe.” Ms. Lozano added that the agency has already set in motion plans to send 46 trailers no longer needed by victims of Hurricane Katrina to help house victims displaced by the flooding. “Providing safe shelter for those who find themselves homeless is our first priority,” she said, adding “and thanks to Hurricane Ike, we know these puppies can float.” The trailers are expected to arrive in Italy sometime in early June.

In other news:
– Brittney Spears, Driven By Son, Appears on ‘Good Morning America’
– Tensions Flare Between Nuclear Powers India and Pakistan
– Obama Unveils National Security Team
– Thai Court Dissolves Ruling Party
– Top Indian Security Officials Resign Over Failure to Prevent Terrorist Attack
– Locusts Continue to Swarm Over World Economy

NO REPRIEVE FOR WHITE HOUSE TURKEY

Tom the Turkey is dead.

His execution took place in the back yard of Number One Observatory Circle shortly after 3 p.m. yesterday following a brief but tense White House ceremony where President Bush refused to bow to pressure that he maintain the long-standing tradition of pardoning Washington poultry in advance of the Thanksgiving holiday.

“You have to draw the line somewhere,” the President told a distraught group of third-graders who had expected to accompany the turkey to a petting zoo after the ceremony. “Too many have gotten fat at taxpayer expense and then turned to this administration to save them when the stuffing hit the fan. I’m here to say ‘No more!’ If this head has to roll to send a message to the banks, the brokerage houses, the auto industry and all my other fair-weather friends and supporters, then so be it. I hereby deny Tom the Turkey’s request for a pardon and order that he be remanded to the custody of the Vice President to be shot forthwith.”

When an angry protester heckled the President after his announcement, Mr. Bush responded, “You can take it up with Dick if you want, but if I were you, I wouldn’t get between him and the bird.”

When quizzed later by a member of the White House press corps as to whether he thought his actions may have traumatized some of the gathered elementary-school children, the President said, “I believe that in the long run I did them a favor. I get briefings every morning on the state of the country and the world, and believe me, these kids are going to have to get used to the idea of finding and killing their own food.”

Later in the day, the President said he expects to announce “in the very near future” a $150 billion bailout plan for the Republican Party.

Available at The System Stinks Shop

Obama Taps Ayers for Homeland Security

‘Practical Experience’ Key Factor in Decision

What is expected to be a flurry of major appointments began with somewhat of a surprise yesterday as President-Elect Obama tabbed controversial education professor William Ayers to be his Secretary of Homeland Security. While reporters and pundits were caught off-guard by the announcement, transition team insiders indicated that Dr. Ayers appointment came as no surprise to “anybody who pals around with Barack Obama”.

In a brief prepared statement, President-Elect Obama praised Professor Ayers, who was named Chicago’s ‘Citizen of the Year’ in 1997 for his work in reforming the city’s education system, not only for his years of public service, but also his “practical experience as it relates to homeland security”.

“Bill Ayers knows how terrorists think,” Mr. Obama said of his longtime colleague and cribbage partner, “He knows what they eat for breakfast. Bill, or ‘Uncle Billy’ as my two girls call him, was part of a group that not only identified, but was also able to penetrate key terrorist targets a full thirty years before the attacks of September 11. That’s the kind of know-how, the kind of expertise we need in Washington. That’s the kind of guy we need on our side. In addition, Bill and I have a long history of working well together, and I know I can trust him at least 90% of the time. It’s not every day you get odds like that in Washington. So I say to you now, let the word go forth from this time and place, to those who would attack this generation of Americans within our own borders, ‘You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on William Ayers’.”

When reached by phone, Dr. Ayers told reporters, “I look forward to working with my ‘bff’ Barack Obama to keep our people safe and our nation secure.  And it’s going to be really cool to prowl the corridors of power without fear of being recognized.”

Obama Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emmanuel, when asked what role, if any, he played in Dr. Ayer’s appointment, told reporters, “The President-Elect had his mind pretty much made up before I came on board, but I couldn’t agree more with his decision and am delighted that William Ayers will be playing for our team. He’s the third guy who was in Grant Park last week who will be attending Cabinet meetings — five more and we’ll break the record set back in 1968.”

When a puzzled reporter asked if his statement indicated that Americans could expect the Obama Cabinet to resemble the ‘Chicago 7′ made famous by their trial on charges of conspiring to incite a riot at the 1968 Democratic National Convention, Mr. Emmanuel, in the style for which he has become known on Capitol Hill, responded, “Why, would that be a [expletive] problem for you?”

Visit The System Stinks Shop

CALIFORNIA COURT BANS HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE

Potential Setback for Proposition 8 Supporters

San Francisco, CA — Appellate Court Judge Lance Piersall, explaining, “This is a court of law, not a church – you can’t have it both ways here,” ruled today that Tuesday’s passage of Proposition 8, the ballot referendum banning gay marriage, rendered heterosexual marriage unconstitutional.

The Judge went on to explain his ruling:

“The Court finds all arguments presented in this matter supporting marriage between ‘one man and one woman’ to be faith-based in their nature and inherently in violation of the legal separation between church and state.

The Court sees the only remedy that would permit such faith-based marriage would fall under the ‘equal protection’ statute prohibiting discrimination based on religion. However, the Court also finds this remedy to be rendered moot, as no discrimination exists against heterosexual couples wishing to marry, insofar as they are no longer being denied any rights or privileges afforded non-heterosexual couples.”

He then added somewhat cryptically, “Let’s see how those IRS bastards deal with this one.”

It is now up to supporters of Proposition 8 to make the next move, but they may have to do it without the support of the Mormon Church, which not only encouraged its members to actively campaign for the referendum’s passage, but also contributed $25 million towards the effort.

“I think the prevailing sentiment of the Latter-Day-Saints is to let the Baptists and Methodists take it from here,” said Church campaign organizer Luke Smith, speaking on condition of anonymity, “We’ve gone more than the extra mile in the name of inter-faith unity. After all, it’s not like that ‘one man-one woman’ thing was our idea.”

Available at The System Stinks Shop

How to Avoid Another ‘Greenspan Oops’‏

I come not to bury Alan Greenspan, but to praise him…

After eight years of a ‘CYA at All Costs’ Administration Policy, Alan Greenspan had the wherewithal to admit to the House Oversight Committee that his long-held theory about deregulation was flawed. Fortunately, he pinpointed exactly where the flaw in the theory lies… and yes, it’s a doozy.

Mr Greenspan told the committee, now seeking to lock the bank door after all the money has escaped, “Those of us who have looked to the self-interest of lending institutions to protect shareholders’ equity, myself especially, are in a state of shock and disbelief.”

Terrific. The most powerful economic figure in the country, perhaps the world, truly believed that the same greedy bastards he essentially acknowledges would screw their own mother out of a dollar (if it didn’t mean losing their jobs) would somehow not take the risk involved in screwing their shareholders for a few hundred million. Apparently not being surprised every time Charlie Brown doesn’t get to
kick the football is not a prerequisite for becoming chairperson of the Federal Reserve.

But thanks for taking your lumps, Mr. Greenspan, because now that we know the root of the problem, perhaps we can fix it.

Economists need to understand basic human nature. And we can no longer take it for granted that they will acquire this understanding on their own. One might think that somebody in one of our many institutions of
higher learning would have thought of this. Apparently not.

Easy to fix. Make it mandatory for anyone seeking a degree in economics (or business for that matter) to pass an introductory level course in human psychology as a prerequisite.

If you agree, please forward a copy of this not only to your friends, but especially to Carol Geary Schneider, President of the Association of American Colleges and Universities. Her e-mail address is cgs@aacu.org.

Our apologies to Dr. Schneider for any inconvenience, but hey, this is an emergency.

Visit The System Stinks Shop

Forget About the 150K

For all those fixated on the Republican National Committee’s $150,000 expenditure on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe and accessories, STOP! You’re taking your eye off the ball.

This is a small part of a much larger, and increasingly clear picture.

First, they wouldn’t allow her to answer any questions posed to her until she had undergone a two-month “re-education” program [to borrow an expression from China, et. al.] Meanwhile, they determined that this state governor would also not be adequately presentable to the public without a wardrobe upgrade.

What a bunch of elitists! Ms. Palin ran a successful campaign against overwhelming odds and won the Governor’s seat in what is still part of the United States in spite of the best efforts of her husband and other friends she pals around with. But these ‘Real America’ snobs deemed it necessary to lock her up for two months with Henry Higgins (among other experts) and give her a wardrobe and cosmetic makeover as well before she could be presented to American Society. All this so that they can represent her and themselves as being more like Joe the Plumber and less like Aubrey the Banker or [gasp,] George the President.

What’s really important here is how this move exemplifies the obvious, and most important factor in this election to be dismissed out-of-hand by both the RNC and the McCain Campaign – Governor Palin’s lack of qualifications to hold the office for which they have nominated her. It also shows the lack of sound judgment involved with her nomination to begin with.

Citing GOP hypocrisy is no longer an intellectual exercise. They’ve dumbed-it-down to the point that their base’s no-longer-well-educated children can see it. For now, let’s even ignore the fact that shopping at Sak’s Fifth Avenue even goes so far as to support the economy of their real enemy, ‘The Other America’.

The RNC and McCain campaign, contrary to their words, have clearly demonstrated their own lack of confidence in their candidate. They needed two months to give Gov. Palin enough preparation to satisfy them that she could even be a suitable campaigner as a VP nominee, yet they expect us to believe she is ready to assume the office of President of the United States on a moment’s notice.

This is even bigger folly than William Seward spending $7.2 million of taxpayer money on that remote ‘Share the [Oil] Wealth’ socialist patch of ice this would-be President hails from.

Taking Back ‘American’

Over the last 8 years or so there has been a blurring of the definition of “American”. With a change of Administration imminent (whether the next one be Democratic or Republican) it is important that we all come to a consensus on what is American, or more to the point un-American, so we may finally agree on exactly what it is that we all seem to take pride in being.

Some suggestions:

1. War” and “Troops” are different things. We all have 4 different options. You can support one, the other, neither or both. The two options that involve NOT supporting our troops are un-American. The two that involve supporting them are both acceptable as “American”.
2. Faith, of any variety, can be the greatest part of someone’s life. Religious extremism, of any variety, endangers lives and freedom.
3. Separation of church and state will be considered “American” until such time that it is removed from our Constitution.
4. Social and religious tolerance are American values. Henceforth, intolerance will no longer be tolerated.
5. Wanting our leaders or even candidates dead is un-American. Disagreeing with them is natural.
6. Paying higher taxes in times of war is not un-American — it’s our heritage. Causing our grandchildren to become the indentured servants who will build the next great Chinese railroad is un-American.
7. Socialist principles, when properly applied in capitalist countries, have been proven an effective means of providing a “safety-net” for the masses — unemployment insurance, social security, education, etc. [in more advanced countries even health care]. When improperly applied they provide a “safety net” to the “financial elite” who don’t have to worry about all that other stuff anyway. Taking from the bottom 99% to give to the top 1% may not be un-American, but it’s sure hard to make a winning argument for…
8. Anyone who believes that the people of Washington D.C. and New York City are somehow un-American, anti-American or even ‘less American than they are’ should commandeer a plane and take a crack at it themselves.
9. Anyone who has ever suggested that American citizens who disagree with or criticize our government [while exercising their right to free speech] should “find another country to live in” must be prepared for their turn to “put-up or shut-up”.
10. DON’T PANIC. It will only convince the rest of the world that we finally realize we’ve been as stupid as they thought we were all along.

“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.” – Mark Twain