Plans to Establish Iraqi Shoe-Shine & Repair Franchise
Citing “the most obvious sign from God about why he put me here since 9/11,” President Bush told a jubilant White House press corps that upon leaving office he intends to spend “a significant amount” of his post-presidency in Iraq.
“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” the unusually serene, almost trance-like leader of the free world continued, “but in those moments when I have stared into the abyss, His messages to me couldn’t have been clearer if He’d had Sinead O’Connor sing them directly into my ear. In this case, every time since the November elections that I’ve asked Dick Cheney for his opinion, he’s answered with, ‘Why don’t you just grab your shine-box and go to f****n’ Baghdad?’ Now, he has just sent a messenger in the form of that courageous young journalist who showed me close-up the Iraqi people’s desperate need for an affordable source of footwear maintenance. I now know my mission, and I intend to make it my life’s work to see that all of the good people of Iraq have access to affordable heel replacements, sole repairs, and of course a shine you can see yourself in. I ask you, what better way to enjoy Western-style freedom than to have really spiffy-looking shoes?”
When asked by a reporter how she feels about the prospect of bartering with Iraqi women over the price of gel insoles, First Lady Laura Bush responded, “Well, anybody who knows my husband the way I do knows just how deeply he cares about people, about freedom, and especially about cobbling. Of course he has my unconditional love and devotion, and my full support for whatever he chooses, at least until February.”
Muntadar al-Zeidi, the journalist whose protest has now had such unforeseen consequences, could not be reached for comment. According to officials in Baghdad, he boarded a plane to an unknown destination, presumably Cairo, shortly after the incident. A source close to the case noted that, “Of course, having no shoes, he flew right through airport security.”
Upon Mr. al-Zeidi’s return and/or extradition to Iraq, a parade is planned in the Sadr City area of Baghdad.
In other news, police in Wasilla, Alaska have charged a local teen with arson in connection with the Friday night blaze at the Wasilla Bible Church, best known as Governor Sarah Palin’s house of worship. The fire caused no injuries, but damage is estimated at nearly $1 million. Central Mat-Su police reported that the fire was set in the church entrance as a result of mistaken identity. “The kid mistook the church for a private residence that allegedly houses a ‘crystal meth lab’ whose owners had cheated him,” according to a police spokesman, ” Stuff like that happens in Wasilla all the time… No biggie.”
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The Desperate Blogger 