Jihadists Overwhelm Recruitment Centers After Televised Interview
Al Qaeda today announced that United States Vice President Dick Cheney has earned a $50 million bonus as the organization’s top recruiter for calendar year 2008. A spokesman, who described Cheney as “Our Prophet of Marketing” read a congratulatory greeting to the Vice President from none other than Osama bin Laden, which read:
“My dear, special Dick, it is with profound pleasure and gratitude that I present you with this year’s award as our top recruiter for jihad. With brothers as yourself causing young warriors to enlist in our blessed cause faster than even we can blow them up, I know we will one day prove victorious over all of the world’s infidel capitalist dogs. When we began this most holy crusade, pretty much all we had was balls. I am certain there is nothing that can stop us now that we also have such an incredible Dick…”
The spokesman, Baraq Hossein Ubama [no relation. Ed.], added that the Cheney-ABC News interview, in which the Vice President proudly acknowledged that torture (including ‘water-boarding’) was used during prisoner interrogations at Guantanamo Bay with Bush Administration approval, would continue to be broadcast “around the clock in fertile jihad breeding grounds” in Africa, Malaysia, East London, San Diego, and Falls Church, Virginia.
“Now it all makes sense,” proclaimed ABC News President David Westin. “Why else would he insist on doing the interview before the end of the year when we asked him to come in after the end of his term — pretty sharp on his part. It also explains why he would go out of his way to solidify Joe Biden’s claim to the title of “The Tight-Lipped Vice President.”
The subject of torture has been a divisive one even within the Administration. Proponents say it’s not only a productive means of extracting valuable information quickly, but when done correctly can be a fun and humorous way to relieve tension. Experts, on the other hand, claim that information received through torture is often unreliable; going so far as to suggest that people might actually lie to avoid having live electrical wires attached to their genitals.
One example which continues to stir-up controversy is the interrogation and subsequent confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. ‘KSM’ was discussed specifically in the interview, with Cheney saying he found water-boarding to be appropriate in his case, and claiming, “There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source… So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves.”
An anonymous NSA analyst, when reached for comment, responded only by asking, “What results? No more attacks here yet?”
Opponents of torture, however, question the veracity of KSM’s confession, the rambling 27-page document in which the alleged ‘9/11 mastermind’ boasted of his responsibility for a broad range of anti-West terrorist acts. Among the crimes to which al Qaeda’s ‘#2′ confessed were both World Trade Center attacks, the bombing of the USS Cole, the abduction and murder of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the baseball bouncing through Bill Buckner’s legs in the 1986 World Series, and urinating in the reflecting pool between the Capitol building and Washington Monument.
Human rights groups felt some degree of solace, however, when Cheney said that “at no time were detainees forced to watch any post 1985 episodes of Saturday Night Live.” The Vice President added, “We are a civilized nation. You have to draw the line somewhere.”
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