GOP Allocates $84 Million to Investigate Clinton Finances

Starr Top Choice to Lead Probe

In the wake of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Federal Election Commission filing which revealed that she has ‘written off’ $13.1 million in loans she made to her Presidential campaign from personal funds, Republican Party Officials have announced they will spend “$84 million, maybe more if we have to” for a comprehensive investigation into the financial dealings of the both the Senator and her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

“I suppose she’s going to tell us she’s been speculating in pork bellies again,” an obviously irate Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan told reporters. “Something’s obviously wrong here. The Clintons reported income totaling $109 million since he left office 8 years ago. Liberals just don’t make that kind of money and remain liberals.”

Mr. Duncan said the investigation will be conducted privately and financed by the RNC. “No, we’re not asking for a special prosecutor this time. We’d only be at the mercy of Congress for funding, not to mention all the stifling laws and regulations — people crying about ‘due process’ and all the other crap that kept justice from being served the last time. This is too big. The whole thing stinks and we’re going to get to the bottom of it, even if it bankrupts our employee pension fund.”

When asked by a reporter about the choice of former Whitewater Special Prosecutor Ken Starr to head the investigation, Mr. Duncan became incensed. “Not Ken Starr, you idiot! Ken Starr spent $60 million and couldn’t indict a ham sandwich. The problem was that nobody, including myself, liked talking to the guy. A job like this calls for someone people will open up to. That’s the best way to get reliable information. So I’ve asked someone universally liked, especially by liberal, 1960s flag-burning hippie-types – you know, the kind of people who the Clintons would know and trust, Ringo Starr, if he will take this on.  I assume his touring schedule is clear, and I sincerely hope he’ll accept our invitation to serve the American people in this capacity. I realize, as far as being a legal scholar, he is not as highly regarded as our previous point man, but I’m confident he can get better results out of an investigation.”

In a prepared statement, Ken Starr responded, “I applaud the Republican Party for remaining steadfast in their resolve to maintain a certain level of hate for liberals in general and the Clintons in particular, especially in these trying times when our leadership has clearly demonstrated to the American people what a greedy, pandering bunch of unscrupulous imbeciles we really are. As for me, I am currently very busy representing wealthy homophobic clients in their defense of Proposition 8. When that case is finished, I will be joining the fight against one of the root causes of obesity in the United States: I have accepted the position of lead counsel for a group seeking to ban door-to-door sales of Girl Scout cookies. As far as the Clinton investigation is concerned, I hope Mr. Starr will accept the position he has been offered and I would be more than willing to share any knowledge or insight I may have with him. I have always liked Ringo, and I’m sure I would enjoy any conversation he wishes to have with me.”

A publicist for the former Beatle told Rolling Stone Magazine, “The only investigation Ringo is interested in right now is the one he’s conducting to locate the source of whatever it is these people are smoking.”

Thanks for the Info, Dick!