NY Governor Paterson to Appoint David Blaine to Fill Clinton Seat

Presumptive Senator Vows to Remain Seated for Entire Balance of Term

[Editor’s Note: The Governor’s Office released a prepared statement to reporters outside the State House in Albany outlining his choice of successor to the Senate seat being vacated by Hillary Rodham Clinton. The statement became exclusive to The Desperate Blogger when, as is typical with press kits that are distributed to the media working outdoors in Albany between November and March, all other copies were burned to keep hands, feet, and ‘equipment’ warm.]

New York Governor David Paterson ended weeks of speculation today when he announced that celebrity magician and endurance artist David Blaine will be his appointee to become the next Junior Senator from New York, if and when the U.S. Senate confirms Hillary Rodham Clinton’s nomination to the position of Secretary of State.

The Governor explained, “In these times of economic uncertainty, when our country is at war and also facing crises involving energy, global warming, a crumbling infrastructure, healthcare – you name it — we need a Senator who is not afraid to take on challenges most would describe as ‘impossible’. David Blaine not only has a record of accepting challenges others might call ‘crazy’, but he has a solid record of accomplishing what popular consensus said couldn’t be done. The people of New York deserve nothing less. Change is coming to the United States Senate.”

Until now, Mr. Blaine has been best known for his unique brand of “street magic” and feats such as being confined underground in a plastic coffin for seven days and encased in ice (in Times Square) for over 63 hours – all of which were featured in prime-time specials on ABC-TV.

The future Senator, who’s confinement to a steamer trunk submerged in New York City’s East River rendered him unavailable for questions at the time of the Governor’s announcement, nonetheless issued a brief statement through a spokesman in the form of Morse code conveyed through his emergency cable.

“I am as honored as I am stunned by the Governor’s decision,” Mr. Blaine tugged, “When his people inquired about my availability, I just assumed it had to do with a kid’s birthday party.” In a flurry of long and short pulls, he went on to say, “But I pledge to the people of the great state of New York that they will never have to worry about their Senator’s whereabouts or if he is present for an important vote. It is my intention; from the moment my butt hits that great and honorable seat, to remain seated for the entire duration of my term. I won’t get up from it until the next Senator is there to replace me. The people deserve, and should expect, nothing less from David Blaine.”

When asked if he thought Senator Blaine could stay seated in one place for at least two years without so much as a “rest room break,” his spokesman replied, “Piece of cake. Have you seen some of the relics voters keep sending back to Congress? If the commissary isn’t selling Depends, IVs, catheters – all of that stuff – then someone’s really missing the boat.” On the subject of whether his being submerged underwater in a trunk was in preparation for a future stunt, the response was a simple, “No, just relaxing.”

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