BLAGOJEVICH TO FACE REDUCED CHARGES

No Evidence Jobs, Influence Actually ‘Sold’

In a stunning reversal, prosecutors have agreed to drop some of the most serious charges facing embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich – namely charges involving “violation of the public trust”.

“By their own admission, the FBI arrested our client prior to the completion of their investigation,’ a defense team member told reporters. “Had they not acted prematurely, they would have found that Governor Blagojevich never had any intention of following through on promises he made in his efforts to extort money from other greedy bastards such as himself. Had they followed procedure, certain charges would never have been brought.”

“Don’t get me wrong,’ the attorney continued, “We have no doubt that law enforcement personnel involved in this case acted with the best of intentions, particularly with regard to the public interest. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

“That is correct,” confirmed undercover Special Agent Meldrick Purvis, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Normal procedure dictates that your first priority, always, is to cover The Bureau’s ass. Then you protect the public. But once in a while we come across individuals who are so appalling in their nature that some agents ‘throw caution to the wind’ in their exuberance to separate these slugs from society. And maybe it is better to have some charges dropped than to allow unscrupulous predators to continue roaming the halls of government. All I can say is: thank God for that alert Ebay customer service rep who brought the Governor’s activities to our attention. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

It was, in fact, Ebay who first contacted authorities after several complaints from ‘winning’ bidders. “We had several ‘negative feedback reports’ regarding Ebay member ‘illguv2003′,” said a spokesman for the Internet auction giant. “Two involved ‘shilling’ which is the use of fraudulent bids to drive prices higher. The others involved accepting payment, but never delivering the goods – in these cases state jobs and government contracts. Ebay wants it made clear that these are considered serious violations of the Ebay Community Code of Conduct, and the account of member ‘illguv2003′ has been suspended pending review.” The spokesman then added, “Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

Calls to the Governor’s campaign organization were not returned. However, later in the day “Friends of Blagojevich” released a statement, which read:

“The Directors and Executives of ‘Friends of Blagojevich’ are obviously disheartened by the events and news reports of the last few days. If the allegations regarding the Governor’s actions prove correct, it would not only fly in the face of everything we, as well as all Americans, stand for, but also make a mockery of our re-election slogan, which we have always believed depicted our candidate in his true light: “Blagojevich – You Get What You Pay For”. While this would normally be a time when we would remind the public that, under our cherished system, Governor Blagojevich is entitled to the presumption of innocence until such time as he is proven guilty, we will decline further comment. Let’s face it, this guy is a real piece of s**t.”

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