Seeks to ‘Cement Place in History’
The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) announced today that Norm Coleman, the former Democratic Mayor of St. Paul, former Republican Senator from Minnesota, and current Brooklyn-born Jewish private citizen will host a music and variety special scheduled to air on CBN during the May ‘Sweeps’ week. It is widely believed that Mr. Coleman will be the network’s first-ever featured performer to hail from New York City.
‘Music From the Malls with Norm Coleman’ will feature a variety of performances, both live and pre-recorded, from the Mall in Washington D.C., Coleman’s most recent home, and the Mall of America in his resident home state of Minnesota. The common thread of the performers to be featured will be that, like Coleman, all were also once considered prominent.
“This is a great opportunity for Norm to cement his place in history,” said Cullen Sheehan, Coleman’s campaign manager. “This show represents the perfect vehicle to showcase his broad range of talents and earn him an Emmy nomination. While losing a gubernatorial election to a pro wrestler and an incumbent Senate seat to a comedian are solid losing credentials, being the first to lose the Emmy to Stephen Colbert would, we feel, establish Norm Coleman as the United States’ pre-eminent loser.”
According to New York based political strategist Tony Vita, Coleman already holds a unique place as a losing public figure. “It takes an extraordinarily rare individual to accomplish what he has already,” Mr. Vita explained, “To consistently be nominated to high office and almost as consistently lose, particularly to weak and/or inexperienced opposition, is the political equivalent of being superficially likable enough to regularly be a member of wedding parties, yet personally disagreeable enough to never sustain a close personal relationship.” Mr. Vita is also confident that the former Senator’s current goal is attainable. “When you look at the reality of ‘superficial’ gets you nominated but ‘substance’ gets you elected, the fields of politics and entertainment suddenly have a lot more in common than most people realize. I expect his campaign people to hit the ground running, and with Conservative Evangelical Christian money and media behind him, recent trends suggest that he should both get nominated and lose.”
According to Sheehan, the decision to go after the Emmy nomination was not made lightly by either Senator Coleman or his advisers. “See that, you just referred to him as ‘Senator’ — people remember him for the one blemish on his otherwise exemplary record of losing, but they forget that he was a shoe-in to lose until Fate intervened in the eleventh hour,” he admonished the reporters present, “Norm Coleman has reached a point in his career that every outstanding politician reaches sooner or later. He needs to consider his legacy. He needs to know he has somehow raised the bar for those who will follow him. This will be his crowning achievement. This is what future generations will read about.”
The ‘blemish’ on Coleman’s record referenced by Mr. Sheehan was, of course, Mr. Coleman’s victory in the 2002 Senatorial election. Coleman was expected to lose comfortably to incumbent Democrat Paul Wellstone, who was tragically killed in a plane crash shortly before the election. Democratic officials named former Vice President Walter Mondale as a last-minute replacement for Wellstone on the ballot, but despite what insiders refer to as ‘Herculean efforts’ on the part of Coleman, he still fell 2.1% of the vote short of becoming the first candidate to lose to Mondale since 1976.
In other news, an agreement has been reached among Republican Senate leaders seeking to bar Al Franken from being seated, Democratic Senate leaders seeking to bar Roland Burris from being seated, and representatives of Franken and Burris. According to the agreement, before the first session of the new Senate is called to order Tuesday morning, two seats will be removed from the Chamber. The National Anthem will then be played, and when the music stops, the two Senators left standing will be removed from the session.
Norm for Emmy Nomination
The Desperate Blogger 