A source close to embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich confirmed rumors a short time ago that the beleaguered future Hair Club spokesman will announce his resignation on Thursday when he appears before the State Senate at his impeachment trial. The confirmation dispelled the widely held notion that Blagojevich only decided to appear after he realized that cameras have been present and the proceedings are being broadcast on television.
“Rod is making the transition from the small screen to the big screen,” according to his agent, prominent Hollywood attorney C. Stephen Travers, “He has just signed a lucrative contract with Walt Disney Productions and will begin shooting his first film this spring. As he is the type of person who believes in being totally prepared for his every undertaking, he will be spending the next couple of months immersing himself in studies necessary to perform his role to the utmost of his ability. But he wanted to visit the Capitol of his beloved home state one last time to bid the legislature a final ‘f**k you’.”
Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but an anonymous Disney source told reporters that the disgraced politician will play the character ‘Blago’, a sociopathic former paramour of Miss Piggy in the upcoming feature ‘The Muppets Go Postal’.
“He’s got the look, he’s got the fur, and from his past career, he’s got experience in both ends of puppetry,” said noted film critic and historian Eileen O’Sullivan, “He’s a great fit for the project. And the Muppets need the ‘edge’ that he brings to the table.”
“I believe Rod has finally found his true calling,” said lawyer-turned-movie star-turned-Senator-turned-TV star-turned-failed Presidential candidate-turned-afternoon-off-hours-can’t-get-ratings-radio call-in show host Fred Thompson, ‘and I think he’ll have the success I might have had if I’d only had hair.”
“The impeachment proceedings will proceed as planned, whether he resigns or not,” an angry John J. Cullerton, the Democratic president of the Illinois State Senate told reporters, “He wants to deny us the sublime pleasure of impeaching his crooked butt, but he’ll get away with it over my dead body. His political carcass is ours.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, Senator Cullerton’s Chief of Staff, Meegan Toomey, revealed the reason behind his zeal to convict, “that miserable prick,” telling al Jazeera, “The feeling in the State House is that once he is removed from office, federal prosecutors will not try him on charges that he tried to ‘sell’ President Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. We believe that they will drop the matter entirely, try him on a lesser charge, or let him plead to a lesser charge if he is willing, since they ‘pre-empted’ the actual sale. Nobody wants to risk giving that chinchilla-looking piece of s**t the satisfaction of being acquitted and then forever comparing himself to Job, Jesus, and Jason Giambi for the way he was wrongfully persecuted. Not to mention the disruption to the White House if he were to subpoena Rahm Emmanuel and others to testify just because he can.”
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Posted in Entertainment, Politics, Satire | Tagged: Blagojevich impeachment, Fred Dalton Thompson, Hair Club, John Cullerton, muppets, Rod Blagojevich | 3 Comments »
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