Apologizes to Predecessors, Cites Effectiveness of ‘Enhanced Interrogation Methods’
Saying he was unaware of the day’s unfolding events until after last night’s inaugural balls, President Obama today apologized to former President Bush and former Vice President Cheney for their brief detention by federal authorities and, after telling the White House press corps, “I think many people in this room may well have done the same things they are accused of,” announced that he has pardoned both for “any related transgressions”.
Reading from a prepared statement, the President told reporters:
“…In no way should this pardon be interpreted as an endorsement of their actions. Quite the contrary – in my opinion both have violated the trust placed in them by the American people, and in thereby doing, have tarnished the offices they held and we as a nation hold so dear. The President, and the Vice President as well, are not in a position to give in to base instincts, and I want to assure everybody, not just in the United States but around the world that, under similar circumstances, they can expect better from me and from Vice President Biden. But that being said, with all of the important issues our country now faces, we need to move forward, not look back. My office has been in contact with their representatives and I have spoken with both men personally. I am satisfied that both are aware of and regret the situation they have caused and the actions that led to it, and both have assured me that they will cooperate fully with authorities and make full restitution. It is my understanding that, under interrogation, Vice President Cheney confessed to a couple of things we were unaware of, but I will withhold comment on those while investigations are ongoing. As far as matters relating to their detention and questioning yesterday, I see no benefit to be gained by their arrest and possible prosecution…”
It all began Tuesday morning shortly after moving vans containing the belongings of the still first and second families pulled away from The White House and The Naval Observatory, and alert staff began noticing several items missing.
“These are residences. They are homes, not hotels for God’s sake,” a irate Robyn Coghlan, the State Department’s Chief of Protocol told one reporter. “If you want towels, little soaps and shampoo bottles, stationery, silverware and the like with The White House logo on them you should buy them from the gift shop like everyone else. And beer? That’s just so wrong!”
The beer referred to by Ms. Coghlan, a vintage case of Carter-era ‘Billy Beer’ normally displayed in the White House pantry, is already on it’s way back to it’s rightful home. “It appears to be a case of mistaken identity,” said David Seward, a Homeland Security spokesman familiar with the former President’s interrogation. “I am told President Bush was visibly embarrassed when he explained to his interrogators that he mistook the case of beer for a similar one that he and the First Lady had received as a wedding gift.”
Regarding rumors that began circulating earlier in the day that an uncooperative former Vice President Cheney had been subjected to ‘enhanced interrogation methods’, Mr. Seward said that he could neither confirm nor deny what methods may have been used, adding only, “But as I understand it, the only materials and devices employed were ones found in his luggage and which are also believed to be property of The Naval Observatory.”
But a second, anonymous Homeland Security source claiming to have been present at the Cheney interrogation revealed that the wheelchair bound former VP was, in fact ‘water-boarded’, “by an overly enthusiastic former Abu Ghraib Prison guard.” He also confirmed that, “the prisoner then quickly confessed to ‘appropriating’ certain items of government property as well as masterminding the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center and once hijacking a Northwest Airlines plane using the alias ‘Dan Cooper’, which he claimed was mistakenly reported in the media as ‘D.B. Cooper’.”
If true, Cheney’s confession could prove problematic for prosecutors in the case of alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who after being ‘water-boarded’ also confessed to those same crimes as well as many others.
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