ALERT FLIGHT ATTENDANT PREVENTS AIR DISASTER

AirTran Crew Quarantines Flatulent Passenger, Makes Emergency Landing

For the second time in as many news cycles, the tens of dollars AirTran Airways has invested in advanced security training for its flight crews has paid a handsome dividend. Thanks to an alert flight attendant, almost certain catastrophe was averted on Flight 281 from Boston to Atlanta earlier today.

While scores of relaxed passengers, totally unaware of the peril in their midst, were innocently enjoying their complimentary meal of iceberg lettuce with tomato wedge, cucumber slice, and fat-free Ranch dressing, Rice Pilaf with lukewarm chunks resembling chicken meat, and a four-ounce container of red Jell-O with stuff in it, alert flight crew members sprang into action. Quickly, decisively, and heroically, they assaulted, kidnapped and humiliated a retiree before making an emergency landing in Charlotte, North Carolina — triggering not only flight delays up and down the Eastern seaboard, but also the mobilization of dozens of Transportation Safety Administration, FBI, and Homeland Security personnel, many of whom expressed their gratitude to taxpayers for the overtime hours.

The drama began when a flight attendant serving coffee overheard a young girl say, “Grandpa, it’s not nice to do stinky bombs on the airplane.” According to witnesses, the flight attendant, who company records indicate finished near the top of her class in the airline’s mandatory security and counter-terrorism training course, calmly yelled, “The dirty Arab’s gotta bomb!” as she emptied her pot of hot decaf onto 68 year-old Hiram Rabinowitz of Miami and his four-year-old granddaughter, Sydney. Alert cabin crew immediately descended on Mr. Rabinowitz, subduing him and removing him to the rear galley of the Boeing 737 “even faster than they disappear with the drink wagon,” according to one grateful passenger. Mr. Rabinowitz was turned over, without incident, to air marshals in Charlotte. According to an FBI investigator, the ‘stinky bombs’ produced by Mr. Rabinowitz (who “claims he is not a Muslim,” according to TSA officials) were the result of a chemical reaction between the cucumber slice from his salad course and the California White Zinfandel he ordered with his meal. “We have reason to believe there was some onion involved as well,” the investigator told reporters, “And we’re also examining the stuff they put in the Jell-O. We won’t know until the test results come back if he actually ingested any of the Jell-O, but I’ve always been curious to know what that stuff is anyway.”

“I want to make it clear that at no time were the lives of any passengers aboard AirTran flight 281 in jeopardy,” said TSA spokesman Paul Katz. “Unless the suspect somehow gained access to the cockpit, which is highly unlikely, the worst case is that he would have caused mild to extreme discomfort to the passengers around him, particularly the ones who were still eating. Thanks to the quick action taken by the flight crew, that was all but averted.”

The quick-thinking flight attendant, who asked to remain anonymous, issued a statement saying. “I’m not looking for any credit, I just did my job the same way any AirTran crewmember would. I’m just glad everybody’s alive and, thanks to the scheduled five-hour layover in Atlanta, still made their connection to Miami. And of course I hope little Sydney’s disfigurement isn’t permanent.”

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